sorry for my bad mood earlier but my vibrator died this morning

I don't like walking past geese because you never know what their intentions truly are

But does the Hulk *feel* Incredible?

I all for going to bed an hour earlier. It's this getting up an hour earlier that bothers me.

Half an egg in the morning, half an apple in the afternoon, and half the refrigerator at night

I wish i had SpongeBob's energy.. That boy was ALWAYS ready for work😊

This tire is like my dad. Deflated and impossible to change.

I know alot of jokes about retired people..but none of them work😅

I have no complaints about the dancers

Reminder, have sex with your wife.

Training new employees is tough because you have to remember the real rules..not the ones you've invented😅

Went to Walmart for deodorant...spent $278.16 forgot the deodorant 😳

A lion would never play golf. But a Tiger Wood.😄

I absolutely can not wait until its 70 degrees at night and stays daylight until 9 pm..🌞

I remember 2025 like it was yesterday

I still dont know what im wearing to the living room New Year's Eve. I might not even go..

Christmas is 365 days away & people already got their decorations up.. Unreal

The speed limit is whatever song im listening to

Nothing says fall like sweating in a sweater at noon 😔

Its finally November..Merry Christmas 🎄 everybody

The era where you dropped your phone and your battery flew out was just insane

People talk down on sweets, but who's always had your back during tough times? Definitely not lettuce😆

If you relate to me please seek help immediately

I would like to trade my generational trauma for generational weatlh

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Quick reminder: if you have to end a joke with, "it's a joke," then it is a bad joke.

Adult peer pressure is seeing your neighbor mow his lawn

Weekend math: 2 days to recover from 5 days of chaos. We're losing.

i hope this email doesn’t find you at all. i hope you got out. i hope you’re free

I got 3 likes!! * deletes post

stretching is very important. especially when you're old.

If i wake up at 8:27 and my alarm was set for 8:30 you can bet 100% im going to close my eyes and go back to sleep for those 3 minutes

private life is the new flex. the lesser they know, the better.

What if my last two brain cells kissed and they both were boys

lmao no, TikTok users are not moving to Bluesky. They would literally rather learn Mandarin than learn how to read a feed of text posts. This is a millennial retirement home.

Blocking them isn’t enough, I want their socks to forever be wet

Life alert but it shows you when cool animals are near by: LLamalert

Growing up being made to watch soap operas all day lead me to believe there would be a lot more mature women trying to slip into something more comfortable. Let down 😒

She a 10, but she says Die Hard is NOT a Christmas movie

They have Valentines Day merchandise out if you want to get an early start🙄

The best gifts come from the heart which is why I store blood in snack bags throughout the year for the PERFECT stocking stuffers.

don't 👏invite👏me👏to👏your👏party👏if👏you👏aren't👏serving👏cheese👏

I average about 7 likes on this motherfucker. I feel badass

They say you can drown in as little as six inches of water and that is all the permission I needed.

Me waking up from a coma: Did we ever find out who let the dogs out?

Aaron Rogers lost again. That’s a shame.

Who knew there so many generous lottery jackpot winners! Almost as many as ladies on here wanting to simply get to know me better! 😂

I put my pants on just like everyone else ... .. when the manager at Chili's asks me to.