Creative writing will survive humanity's greatest crisis. The robots can never replicate my need for attention

Fiction dead? No one reads anymore? The obituaries they write are their own, not yours! Live más!

I'm fully confident literary magazines will survive the AI apocalypse. There is no better time to become a creative writer. You already have an inside track because most people have never even heard of these things that can never die. We will be here with the cockroaches and Taco Bell

The most illustrative reply I’ve ever seen.

My new theory: A.I. is basically just @kenjennings.bsky.social. Very knowledgeable, useful in many contexts, SHOULD NOT BE IN CHARGE OF THE ECONOMY. www.chortle.blog/p/ai-ken-jen...

The president called this grieving woman and her murdered wife professional agitators. The federal government called them terrorists. We are ruled by irredeemable monsters

Living in America makes me feel disgusted and heartbroken in new ways almost every single day. I really don’t know how to handle it.

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

"The Criterion Closet, in direct contravention of this administration’s priorities, acts as an expertly curated sanctuary for foreign films that are criminally difficult to find."

We are the sons and daughters of the Timothées you couldn't Chalamet.

In some ways, this was the most shocking week of ‘Reality’ in recent memory. No spoilers, but let’s just say that it featured more horrific twists than an episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ starring Chubby Checker.

I had something published on @chortle.blog this morning. Please check it out if you'd like a laugh, especially you @criterionchannl.bsky.social 😉

This year, we’re once again forgoing a traditional “gift guide” in favor of a spotlight on the hottest GRIFTS of 2025—because nothing says “I care” like helping a loved one achieve financial prosperity via moral bankruptcy.

At the heart of it all, these guys are all compulsive freaks.

"Among members of Gen Z, the use of a semicolon is considered rude." open.substack.com/pub/chortleb...

“A lot of people have stopped using semicolons, and nobody knows why. They aren’t bulky like fax machines or hard to fold like maps, so it can’t be one of those reasons.” More semicolon facts heavily researched by @greenleeish.bsky.social below!

Damn girl, you had a lot of issues! It’s Spotify Wrapped season again, and every place seems to have its own imitation—now including your therapist.

Dear Q-Tips, Your packaging warns, “Not to be inserted in your ear!” I disagree. If God didn’t want us to scratch our inner ears with your little cotton ball lollipops, maybe he shouldn’t have put a little pleasure center in there.

While others have laughed and joked at Nuzzi’s writing style and bizarrely terrible judgment, her account rang all too familiar to me. In fact, she’s helped me realize that it’s time for me to admit something: I also had an emotional affair with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Here is my account.

The holidays are here, which means it’s time to buy a gift card for your child’s teacher while idling in the school pickup line. Your choice says a lot about you as a parent—and it probably isn’t good.

Can someone who knows about weird Jesus people explain to me exactly what “a lot of prayer” means in this context?

Please delete this app, people.

Give it enough time, and even traditions become unrecognizable. You may be expecting to revisit your favorite old customs this week, only to find they’ve been quietly swapped out for bizarre new versions that almost but don’t quite resemble what you remember.

i promise i don’t mean to high horse this but if you’re thinking about giving lizza ten bucks there are a lot of good independent journalists whose work you could subscribe to for a month instead

I’m guessing Trump liked Mamdani because they spent the meeting talking shit about Andrew Cuomo.

Within Mickey and the Roadster Racers’ chromatic cacophony lies something pure. In an age of irony and postmodern detachment, this series offers something increasingly rare: CARS. I like cars. Show me more cars, Daddy!!!!

Important reporting here

Good news: these Pyramids will be built FAST. It’s insane. I can literally just, fucking, like, do it. I just have to, like, type it! And I can make like 100 Pyramids! I can make 1,000! Bad news: the Pyramids are not real.

Let’s face it: America loves sports gambling! And there’s virtually no downside, apart from threats to our athletes, undermining of competitive fairness, catastrophic damage to individual fans, and some level of contribution to the overall breakdown in our larger social contract.

The Inuit have one hundred words for snow. The Egyptians have fifty words for sand. I have twenty-six words for that weather where it’s too hot for a jacket but too cold for a T-shirt.

To get a read on the current moment, we polled 304 extravagantly rich assholes about their economic outlook. Their answers may surprise you.

I just scrolled past a headline about ‘The Real Housewives of Rhode Island’ which I briefly thought said ‘The Real Housewives of Blood Island’ and for a moment I was pretty intrigued.

The Files agreed to this interview, they tell me, because they’re tired of being talked about without being heard from. “Everyone has an opinion about what I contain, what I mean, what I’ll do to the country,” they say. “But no one’s actually asked me how I’m doing.”

this is a bop

The Epstein Files are surprisingly mundane in person. No gilded edges, no leather binding. Just a manila folder, slightly bent at the corners, its exact contents hidden teasingly inside…

Republicans wanted to overwhelm Epstein email revelations, so they released a shitload more Epstein emails—which has led to a shitload more Epstein email revelations. Am I getting this correct?

The radical left seems to think the entire police force should be identifiable and benevolent and human. That’s insane!

one thing i hate is when the president is a pedophile

I know it was just a few months ago when I called that fateful press conference and declared it was time to spend more time with my wife and kids. Now, I want to retract that statement.

First they came for the barstool man, and I said nothing.

Where my Tucson heads at?

The funniest thing that has ever happened.

Researchers at multiple institutions reported an abrupt shift in vibes that occurred late Tuesday evening. It appears to have originated in and around New York City, though scientists caution that it is still too early to determine the exact nature of this karmic realignment.

Having already chosen a name for his own Wok restaurant (a secret of course), in his generosity @jasonbentsman.bsky.social shares a VERY thorough list of further ideas.

the reason republicans lost yesterday is because theyre a bunch of weird freaks pushing policy that everyone hates

Headline news

Horrible politicians continue to ruin the world, but today I realized that we’ll get to read some excellent obituaries over the next couple of decades.

The defense team presses Lairmore on whether the sandwich really 'exploded.' They return to the photo of the sandwich and wrapper on the ground. "That sandwich hasn't exploded at all, has it?" defense asks. "It looks like a little bit is coming out towards the bottom," Lairmore replies.

Border Patrol agent Lairmore testifies that he was not injured by the sandwich, but he felt the impact through his ballistic vest. The sandwich came apart and "kind of exploded" on his chest upon impact, he says. "I could smell the onions and mustard."

Uh oh, your worst nightmare has come true! You accidentally made a completely singular, wholly unique, 100% never-been-done-before original film…