And don’t get me started on toblerones

September 30th vs October 1st

Was out for drinks with colleagues tonight and they are all so incredibly young. One girl was born in 1998 which is 27 years ago and I told her 27 years before I was born it was still WW2 and she laughed for about 3 minutes.

One bottle after another amirite

Counterpoint: No it isn't

*Simon le Bon voice* You’re off to Riyadh to tell jokes upon the sand Insult your hosts and they’ll cut off one of your hands

You could fit my limited vocabulary into a really small thingy.

Considering we older people have to apply anti-wrinkle cream to make us look younger I think it only fair that young people should apply wrinkle cream to make them look older

I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes I think I’m getting frostbite Hope I don’t lose my nose

Not too shabby

Oh piss off

When your wife is looking at herself in the mirror and says she looks awful/old/hideous the best thing to say is that “you’re still beautiful to me.” That’s all she needs to hear along with “yes I’ll sign the divorce papers.” #tomstips

I'm hearing Tom Bombadil has been arrested by ICE. They won't let Goldberry see him.

sorry to say 100% tariffs on movies will make them twice as long

Raspberry beret Your mom’s at Walmart wearing second-hand jorts

"Heathrow, it's me, I'm Cathay"

Rachel Reeves pledges a library in every primary school in England

Trump has asked Pam Bondi to look into retrospectively revoking Shane Lowry’s visa and shipping him off to Alligator Alcatraz

Trump will be royally pissed 😎

Watching Jamie Oliver on the food network channel. He just made loads of Pizza dough and ate all of it raw. It was absolutely fantastic.

Americans are about as good at golf as they are at choosing presidents

STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FIND OUT WHO EZRA KLEIN IS

God, what have you done? You're a pink brony guy And you dance at the club Oh mama, I'm just having fun On the stage in my hooves It's where I belong down at the Pink Brony Club Dressed like Applejack Down at the Pink Brony Club

Bringing in Tony Blair to settle this argument with my wife

ShitCard

a lot of people think maria from the sound of music is antifa, but she isn't, she just thinks its a long long way to run

You ever stop to think how wiggity wiggity wack everything has become.

Hearing that the planned Corbyn-Sultana podcast The Left is History won’t be going ahead after all.

Colic! At the Horse Show.

The Rest is BetterHelp

RIP Pythagoras, you wiv the angles now

They offered me a rapture but I said no cos I have important work to do on Earth finishing this word search.

Your Gritty Detective Name is any two of the weather areas on the shipping forecast map I'm Dogger Lundy.

not sure about this new X-Files reboot.

This pair look like the villains in a movie where the hero is a dog.

I like the sound of High Holidays

What a time to be alive.

Bitten by a radioactive willy, he became…

Few things make me as proud to be a contemporary Londoner as just how fucking much Tr*mp hates us & hates our mayor so much he has to mention him in a speech at the UN!

is there any way we could just wall the US off for a decade or so?

"There's reason to believe maybe this fiscal year will be better than the last" - Accounting Crows

I'd like to like the lib dems but they keep putting leaflets through my door telling me they want to stop housebuilding in this area. I want more houses built in this area. @libdems.org.uk

Just checked the app and looks like my deliveroo guy got raptured and took my burger with him

The king watching over his kingdom! 👀 #cat #catday #bluesky #animals

thank god

STOP SCARING THE BABY RACCOON

starting to wonder if all our society's problems are not actually the fault of immigrants and trans people

I can't dance I can't talk Only thing about me is the way I walk

I hope it's not a typo and today we're all going to suffer a rupture