Look at this ridiculous primitive country, casting out its sex pests rather than making them Presidents or Mayors or Supreme Court justices

*ushering a group of tourists into the next room of their Vatican tour* "and here is the largest collection of sports jerseys ever assembled" "were these donated by some wealthy collector?" "nah, everyone just thought it was funny to troll Leo"

"your honor, the government is just making shit up"

Pritzker addresses Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino. "No child in America should have to go trick or treating in fear that they might be confronted with armed federal agents and have to inhale tear gas." "I honestly can't even believe I have to make this plea."

confidential to everyone who said we were being “hysterical” before the election: do fuck off

That smile says "people are going to be giving me, the Vicar of Christ, sports jerseys for the rest of my time on earth, and that is not a problem I thought I would have in my papacy."

Abalone w Thousand Island dressing should be an international crime

If your skeleton doesn't stand outside with a sandwich raised, are you really a Washingtonian?

COUNT III We tried dropping an anvil on Kat Abughazaleh’s head to slow her down, but for some reason, the anvil dropped on our own heads. COUNT IV We set up ACME TnT to explode when she ran over the tripwire. She ran over the tripwire, but it delayed exploding until we went to see what was wrong.

I recently learned humans should windmill their arms after receiving a vaccination, and would like you to test this for Cat Science.

Schedule switcheroo! 😯💥Procedure is happening now, so lots of chaos 😵‍💫Please help me not worry, and keep sharing/giving, so we can save my home and healthcare now! gofund.me/e2f782df4 Your support is incredibly invaluable; I appreciate your grace and mercy xx 🩷😘🤗🌷🍀

“Our pal Traci is having a run of bad luck & hopes you can spare her a little help”

Laughter to weeping.

I’ve been to south carerdddd it’s not a bad place

Someone just sent me this asking if it was real. I was skeptical but checked my phone notifications. It's been deleted, but it was real.

South Korea gave Trump a literal crown and mini beef patties with ketchup hahahaha

Your honor, by electing a man who appeared in the beloved sequel Home Alone 2, Americans clearly demonstrated their preference for fighting crime with wacky vigilante hijinks.

Awww yeeeeaaaah #sqrlpix

Badger was a bit chilly on his walk but couldn’t wait till he got home to sketch all the beautiful trees he had seen in his new notebook, so he snuggled in his patchwork blanket and started drawing there and then.

my friends’ kids call me aunt but i’m not related by blood someone alert the authorities

Does that mean Trump downwardly revises the number of wars he's solved to 7 again? 🤔

At a fundamental level, we have to accept much of silicon valley has gone insane.

Rhinoplasty is named after elephants who got a nose job and botox.

he’d warned that fucker not to play wonderwall

AOC graduated cum laude from Boston University. trump claims to have passed a dementia test based on animal crackers.

BREAKING: President Trump Refuses To Rule Out Doing This Thing I Just Suggested To Him

Related question: is it possible to unsubscribe from the New York Times without first subscribing to it? I'd like to skip the irrelevant step and go straight to signaling my lack of belief that you're worth anything.

Hans Holbein, Portrait of Henry VIII. Art but Make it Squirrel

If you see someone stealing groceries, no you didn’t

close the law schools

🌞Thank you for your faithfulness in my time of need 🤗 I have more medical appts this week (pre procedure). If you would please keep sharing/giving, so we can help save my home and healthcare now: gofund.me/e2f782df4 Each gift is appreciated with and beyond words xx 💜🌷☘️🍁

“If you can give our pal Traci a small donation we’d be ever so grateful”

When you decide to go wandering with your big sister at the last minute @boganella.bsky.social @gmpug.bsky.social @nedpyle.com @dozo-yoroshiku.bsky.social @zarchasmpgmr.bsky.social

it's very hard to distinguish between Trump's cognitive decline and his cognitive never-having-inclined

The president got his feelings hurt, so we're doing 10% more tariffs on Canada. Joke of an administration.

the lies and disdain for labor are bad enough, but the way the culture treats these unremarkable men like they're sociologists is salt in the wound

Peering into the future I see a future editorial headline: “Donald Trump, (now in his 3rd term) drops a nuke on an American city, and here’s why that’s a good thing”

JESUS CHRIST DUDE

hey so for once there's an actual happy update to something our local ice cream guy came home and he's getting a green card

“throw everything at the wall and see what sticks and then push that” has been an enormously successful political strategy for Trump and I don’t understand why many Dems consider it anathema

ICE is gonna post something at the end of the year like "Can we remember three agents killed in the line of duty." One will have died of COVID, the other electrocuted trying to remove a toaster strudel from a toaster and the third from attempting the cinnamon challenge.

The energy we need is this suburban dad standing out in the street -- barefoot with Blackhawks pajama pants on -- screaming at the masked goons to get the fuck out of their neighborhood.

its remarkable to see random suburbanites in their fucking PJs have more courage than the vast majority of america's political, social, and civil elites

Hey kiddo, can't sleep? I know you're scared by these uncertain times. For $7 a month, gain access to unlimited Dad. Tuck-ins, reassurance, daily Dad games.

How else is the Cat Distribution System supposed to distribute cats?

who put the goddam sword in the stone in the first place

#BREAKING U.S. District Judge Sara Ellis orders Border Patrol commander Greg Bovino into court Tuesday.

Art but make it Squirrel, Lewis Chessmen edition

“So it’s agreed,we’ll take the cash and repeatedly refer all questions to each other until the questions stop.”