Stranger: Your dog is such a good girl! Me (turning into my parents): She’s a *relatively* good girl.

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

There's a special place in heck for people who criticize my swearing.

Frankenstein is a metaphor for the dangers of reanimating corpses with electricity

Hey Orange County! Come say hi to me tomorrow, November 8, at Barnes & Noble in Aliso Viejo!

This is what they took from you

Happy Friday!

If a month of watching classic movies has taught me one thing, it's that everyone in the past was British, everywhere in the world.

Craving chocolate? Try some celery instead! The disappointment you feel will remind you of your childhood.

This is a great time of year for people who go to bed at 5:00

everyone automatically clacks these twice upon picking them up because deep down we all know we’re crabs

If you describe a wine as having notes of cassis, no one can dispute it.

Yes, of course we don’t allocate jobs among humans based on relative need, god knows, but all humans do share a fundamental requirement of “needing to purchase food and shelter to stay alive,” whereas all LLMs/Gen AI tools as a category do not face this hard imperative.

The song implies a static end to the process of becoming but this no longer reflects the nature of our fractured reality. they will spend the rest of their lives perpetually engaged in the project of becoming the Brady bunch. Or that’s what deleuze says anyway

Ever had a popular song from your childhood going through your head when all of a sudden you figure out a lyric you got wrong for 30 years? Like, “Omg, my BEATS PER MINUTE never been the same!”?

It’s wild how you can smash into the Louvre and it’s not even the worst illegal defacing of a globally-famous building that week.

"Friends" is a beloved American sitcom that aired from 1994 to 2004, following six young adults—Rachel, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe—living in New York City. The show explores their friendships, romances, careers, and personal growth over ten seasons.

I’m not a morning person. I’m also not a night person. I’m not a person.

icarus: just flew in from the sun and boy are my wings fires,,

In 1894, Gilbert Clifford Noble became a partner at a New York bookstore where he’d worked as a clerk. In 1917, he entered into a partnership with William Barnes, and their flagship store soon got a name: Barnes & Noble. …Come see me at the one in Aliso Viejo on November 8!

The thing that stimulates the human bladder the most is being someplace where there’s no access to a bathroom.

Somebody I used to meow

I realized today that I don’t talk on the phone often enough with my brother, because when I saw that he was calling I composed myself to hear who died.

"Pegasus" is not a term for any winged horse; Pegasus was a specific winged horse ridden by Bellerophon in Greek myth. The generic term for a winged horse is Frankenstein.

It’s 2025 and reading literally any online article requires cookie pop-ups and auto-playing videos and auto-refreshes that knock you off the page or make half the text disappear or includes a comment section that crashes. Like, the internet is clearly getting worse, not better.

Etiquette tip: In gay culture, if you realize you are going to be on time, it is necessary to send several polite warnings of this unexpected development.

If you have the hiccups, I will lunge at you unexpectedly and scream, because that's the kind of friend I am.

Friendly reminder: if I’ve corrected something you said, the appropriate response is, “You’re right, thanks!”

just spent 10 minutes writing a joke so good arrested development already did it

The worst thing about consuming your twin in the womb is that you'll never eat anything that delicious ever again

Last week I told my classes: if you take issue with my swearing, focus on all of the sentences where I don't swear. That's the majority. There's something for everyone!

The title of "The Great British Bake Off" had to be changed to "The Great British Baking Show" for the American audience and this makes me so mad I wanna throw a sorcerer’s stone at somebody.

Delaware Live, you are severely overestimating how much I want to visit Delaware Live

"It's all very disturbing" is the new "good morning"

Being Gen X and getting older is depressing. Now, I can barely listen to 10 maniacs in one sitting.

I have never once heard a car alarm and thought, oh no, someone is breaking into a car

Ever notice how you “park” in a “driveway,” but memories of you will be the only thing left after you are gone?

Misremembering the details of classic stories is my Achilles' nipple.

No thoughts only run

I was at the mall today and they already had white 7-day candles in the western-facing windows to guide the dead and black scrying mirrors on all the shelves and I was just like, dang, Samhain gets earlier every year…

Asking someone for a movie recommendation & then saying, "Oh, I don't like movies with subtitles" is like asking for a restaurant recommendation & then saying, "Oh, I meant can you recommend a Denny's."

approaching the overpass with a CLEARANCE 8'6" sign on it. my truck is at least 9' tall. but how is that my problem? that sounds like a truck problem.

Mark my words, your addiction to highlighters has gotten out of control.

Ruin a movie by making it about Gary: Garyspotting

Ruin a movie by making it about Gary. Charlie and the Gary Factory

Date: so what do you do in your free time? Dr. Frankenstein: I'm sorta into bodybuilding

Today’s the day! MAYBE THERE ARE WITCHES is officially rereleased in print! (Leave a comment to let me know what you think of the new cover…and to boost my engagement on the app.🤓)