Oh, is it "I'm Taking Your Six Week Summer Class But My Parents Planned A Vacation Without Telling Me" season already?

One cool thing about soccer is that even if your team doesn’t win the game, they can still get second place.

Same, like on Yelp, I give a bad review for things like outright fraud. Things people need to know. Otherwise, 5 star.

No-context #Survivor, episode 12

Everyone has at least one relative who posts photos of their meals on Facebook but uses their phone's flash so every casserole looks like a horrible car accident.

I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.

The TSA agent called me “young man” three times. Things have gotten so bad they’re hiring people with serious visual impairments.

I wish there was a way to communicate to every congressional campaign in the country, definitively, that I will never care about your quarterly fundraising goals.

A box of puppets in my office came open overnight and it looks like one of those kids in The Others who’s allergic to sunlight.

The big wildcard in modern polling is that "willingness to talk to a pollster" is a MUCH bigger outlier, demographically, than any other possible trait. Like, there are more people who iron their socks than there are people who answer the phone when a random number calls them.

I’m finally getting back into baking and I decided to try some classic mid-century family recipes. I hope the judges at the Orange County Fair love my grandma’s Tuna Cinnamon Rolls as much as we did growing up!

Emails from my union have the best subject lines

I’m In a tiny temporary Lovely Box I live in lusting after lux pix of people in attire for a Thing in some non existent land but I love the essence of a year distilled and I soak up every moment to see an artist overcome the format and talk of creating a truth we notice. And amazing gowns. Perfume.

I feel bad for whichever member of Timothée Chalamet’s team wrote a carefully worded statement about the importance of art forms like opera and ballet.

Cassandra Kulukundis just won the Oscar for Best Casting for "One Battle After Another." I bet now she's glad she watched all those hundreds of auditions before discovering Leo DiCaprio. #Oscars

Six years ago today. Never forget.

What’s an example of a phrase unique to you that you’ve said more than almost anything else over the course of your life? Like, the number of times I’ve said, “…the part that’s not Chicago” is probably in the thousands.

kind of crazy that if you have enough money and don't like what you see in the media, you can just buy up every film studio, news station, and social media app and change it

Even on the darkest night, you can still find a little light. It's usually found within the eyes of the fierce moss ghoul sneaking up behind you in the forest, but it's still there, nonetheless. Take comfort in that.

What’s the point of being outside during the day? It’s so bright. I can barely see my phone.

When *you* house sit for people, you make the bed. When *I* house sit, I turn off motion smoothing on their TV. We are not the same.

Oh, George RR Martin hasn’t finished one book? Big deal, I haven’t finished dozens.

i'm pretty sure this isn't what it looked like guys

No-context #Survivor, season 50 premiere

If you're working from home and you feel a pang of nostalgia for the office, microwave some day-old fish!

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

If you don't throw all your money into this industrial shredder right now you're gonna miss out.

Half the people who listen to true crime podcasts are thoroughly convinced they would make much better murderers than these other fools.

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

When I go through difficult times, I am aways reminded of the last words of my great aunt: “Aaaah! A crucifix!”

I’ve seen many posts on social media criticizing the Super Bowl halftime show because it wasn’t sung in English, and I’m like, what do these people do when they’re at the opera?

Oh, we don't go to that Coinstar. That's the haunted one

a good alternative to meditation is screaming

In 1996, I read an article in Might Magazine titled “The Sudden and Inexplicable Ubiquity of Caesar Salad.” It was about how Caesar Salad was literally everywhere—at every restaurant chain, even Denny’s and McDonald’s, in Caesar-flavored chips, etc. Anyway, have some Dubai chocolate.

When is the last time three different horror movies took the top three spots at the U.S. box office?

Normalize making verbs out of adjectives by adding a suffix.

You must seek out the great astronaut Pagliacci

Scientists have found some dogs have an advanced word-learning ability, a skill that puts them functionally on par with 18-month-old children: They can learn the names of new toys not only through direct instruction but also by eavesdropping on the conversations of their owners.

Student: I spent most of the break on the East Coast. I was working in Dallas, Texas. Me: Dallas isn't really...part of the East Coast. Student: I mean, like, the Midwest.

This watermark graffiti by street artist Mathieu Tremblin is, like, the best thing ever.

The menu says the salad comes with “pork floss,” and all I can think is that my dentist has been holding out on me

Teaching my dog karate was a terrible mistake

My new full-time job is texting “stop” to candidates and political action committees.

Pro tip: When you're having pizza delivered, order a salad as well. The act of throwing it away when you find it in the fridge next week will burn calories!

A buddy in MN shared a drawing a classmate of his kid made. They've been making thank you notes for parents who have volunteered to carpool them to school so their own parents don't have to risk waiting out by the bus stop.

It was the omg what now of times, it was the omg what NOW of times

happy feast of circumcision to all who celebrate

The City Council has yet to approve an ordinance that would lift zoning restrictions for vampire extermination businesses, but they're having conversations with stakeholders.

“Wanna play this board game?" NORMAL PERSON: Sure! How do you win? BOARD GAMER: Who’s the designer? Who published it? What are the mechanics? What's the weighting? What's the theme? [35 minutes into the game] What are the victory conditions?