The menu says the salad comes with “pork floss,” and all I can think is that my dentist has been holding out on me

Teaching my dog karate was a terrible mistake

My new full-time job is texting “stop” to candidates and political action committees.

Pro tip: When you're having pizza delivered, order a salad as well. The act of throwing it away when you find it in the fridge next week will burn calories!

A buddy in MN shared a drawing a classmate of his kid made. They've been making thank you notes for parents who have volunteered to carpool them to school so their own parents don't have to risk waiting out by the bus stop.

It was the omg what now of times, it was the omg what NOW of times

happy feast of circumcision to all who celebrate

The City Council has yet to approve an ordinance that would lift zoning restrictions for vampire extermination businesses, but they're having conversations with stakeholders.

“Wanna play this board game?" NORMAL PERSON: Sure! How do you win? BOARD GAMER: Who’s the designer? Who published it? What are the mechanics? What's the weighting? What's the theme? [35 minutes into the game] What are the victory conditions?

Real Estate: You’re Bidding Against Blackstone

I booked an AirBnB that’s a basement apartment in an old house, and there’s this creepy child-sized rocking chair in the middle of the floor. I asked the owner about it in the morning, and she said, “What chair?”

I kinda love when a bookstore decides, “The books you need will find you.”

My Mac’s startup noise sounds exactly like the opening chord of Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U,” which is appropriate because it takes seven hours and fifteen days to boot up.

That is some impressive dedication.

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

orcas have the chance to do the funniest thing

“Just for once…let me look on you with my own eyes.”

If you received an invitation to the tigers’ New Year's Feast, please be aware that you are the feast.

I am an adult and I understand that an actor is not their character; an actor is an artist who plays a character. Obviously. But also Mark Hamill is Luke Skywalker and I will hear no arguments.

Amazing that this one movie from 1995 had four future Oscar winners in the same scene.

Some years you hang a shining star upon the highest bough; some years you have to muddle through somehow.

They should make those Yule Log videos on Netflix available in different sizes. A crackling fireplace on a 32” screen is a horrifying crematorium on a 55” screen.

Tis the season to TURN OFF the bad default settings on your family’s TV! 📺

If you're enjoying these words, you might enjoy some of the other words that there are

Since it's national short person day, I feel safe confessing that as a tall person, I always imagine leapfrogging over you when I'm walking behind you.

I’m not sure what I did in a past life, but two flights in a row where the person seated directly next to me decided to bring on board & eat fried chicken is a heckuva thing.

The biggest revelation in Hamilton is that there was never a real "Thomas Jefferson;" it was just the Marquis de Lafayette in disguise.

I've read them all.

That feeling when you see the person sitting next you on a crowded flight decided to bring aboard a bucket of piping hot fried chicken…

A student came up to me after class to ask me about the movie Heathers, because she’d seen it on a slide of my favorite films. We talked about it, and why I recommend it, and she said, “I’ve been wanting to watch it, but I don’t like musicals.”

'Let it Snow' with all the positive lines removed

I worked in the kitchen of a diner that had rainbow sherbet on the menu. Twice a week, a very old lady would order pink sherbet and I'd have to carefully scoop out the ribbons of pink. She was the only person who ever ordered sherbet, but the manager would only buy rainbow.

If everyone knew how brutally sadistic reindeer games are, the nature of that song would drastically change.

(calling santa) have you been seeing all this ??

I think these Thanksgiving dishes need to soak a little longer.

The guy in line in front of me at Popeye’s was dressed in full elf attire, including a hat & striped stockings & shoes with pointed toes. I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “Thank you for your service.”

How many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Students be like, “Hi professor, I’m so so sorry I cheated on the final paper by writing it with ChatGPT and I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY! Anyway, is there any way I can get extra credit so I can still get a B? K thanx!”

This year we're doing Whamutopia. Every time you hear Last Christmas you have to have a mulled wine at your earliest convenience and toast George Michael, because he was a lad

“You can turn your turkey leftovers into quesadillas and make those mashed potatoes into savory pancakes!” Or you could just, you know, eat them.

I’m seeing all these articles and TV segments about elaborate recipes to use up Thanksgiving leftovers. And I’m like, I feel bad for these people who don’t have microwaves.

It’s not true that our wild bear habitat only contains a Billy Bob robot from an abandoned Showbiz Pizza Place. We also put a jukebox in there.

Get ready with me to let the forest wreathe my bones

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.”

What are jobs where there is exactly one feature film that everyone tells you you absolutely must see when you start the job? Like, I imagine if you get hired to work in Antarctica, they tell you you have to see John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Important.

Just saw a horned demon swatting children with birch sticks and I was like, for chrissakes, it’s not even THANKSGIVING yet. Gets earlier every year.

An all-too-common mistake is inferring the sexuality of historical figures based on contemporary standards that didn’t apply back then. For example, in the 1970s it was normal for a cop, a biker, a Native American, a construction worker, and a cowboy to be friends. It didn’t mean they were gay.

Stranger: Your dog is such a good girl! Me (turning into my parents): She’s a *relatively* good girl.