i like to look at dating apps and never swipe right or whatever. like, i don't ping em or whatever

sorry i haven't posted in a bit, the military got deployed to my city lmao

every time one of you puts trending discourse into my feed, i mentally transform you into a posh little victorian boy crying over a giant lollipop he dropped on the sidewalk, and you stay like that in my brain forever

i love post not found. my favorite new feature!

lie on your couch at 3am on a tuesday night listening to fountains of wayne on your phone

i would read a story aloud to anyone who asked, but people don't ask that sort of thing these days

[Morpheus] You think that's piss you're squirting now?

it's really sweet of you to let me follow your account

just got raptured or whatever

you guys are funny. but sometimes i'm looking for something beautiful and true

i think i burped a little bit while giving you mouth to mouth

if just 3.5% of the population locked in at the same time we could cause a global major vibe shift

if she's not sorta a loser that's an ick

do you guys actually use this?

i live in a puddle and eat itty bitty bugs

Me: I need more power Gf being cute: I’m stronger than 10,000 samurai😊 Me: haha..no you’re not. The strength of ten thousand samurai is immeasurable. [2 hrs later] Ten thousand. Wtf In tears as I bend the knee in servitude: Daimyo.. Her thinking Im proposing: ohmygodohmygod

mom caught me watching dropout tv reels again

i hope i'm popular with friends

I would be a terrible therapist. Mostly because I am not trained or certified in psychiatry

mice keep eating through the insulin in my walls

don't dm me if you're only today years old

there are two types of people

you never see doordashers anymore, those economic bellwethers.. these streets used to have a dozen cars double-parked with their hazards on around lunchtime, but gone are the days of plenty..

hey im sorry i have to hang up. Something is breaking in my window. Yeah the yonder one. Some sort of light

i'm bored. i wish i was crying

yeah i work in the biz

there are two people who are ever up this late, just me and snakeroot

i guess all this news about tv is a pretty big deal if you watch tv

if someone's being stupid, try blocking them. let me know how it goes for you

Bring a creamer and a cup for this iced ass coffee

passively accruing reddit gold on a post to r/hair, for empoweringly saying that i'm still worthy of love despite having the dryest most frizzy hair in the world

girl youre like the Bible to me

i wish i could post what i smell like, but the technology isn't there yet. when it is, i will make money this way.

i follow you on my other account. i see accounts who i think are you and i follow them on this account, which you know is me. you follow my other account without knowing it's me. i rt myself on this one as a hint. we're in each other's alts anonymously, we assume. we're ghosts and hunches, you and i

there are so many things i don't care about

meeting my future boyfriend by purchasing a stack of business cards that just say "business card" on them, and handing them out at every opportunity until i find an affable goober who's charmed by that sort of thing

*trying to make conversation* wow i love your books. they all have such nice covers *not wanting to seem shallow* which of course means jack shit

freaking out and then calming down and feeling peaceful and freaking out again

omelette. denver. hold the onions. hit it, quit it, split it and shit it

yeah, you could watch the dub, if you're a fucking idiot, absolutely

posting my cute little cries for help in a workplace basement with fluorescent lighting

it feels like a year since i tweeted on this account

ETSY WITCHES ARE HAVING A MOMENT

i'm an invasive species that devastates my environment with cigarette butts, and a truck full of men with big nets are coming to take me back to the zoo

What if there was a big ass dog and he was red as fuck and his name was Clipper