DAWG WE'RE DOING STATE-RUN GAS PRICES AT PRICE CONTROLLED RATES DESPITE INCREASING SHORTAGES TO PACIFY THE PEOPLE AND THEY'RE SCREAMING ABOUT HOW THEIR OPPONENTS WANT COMMUNISM I AM GOING TO LOSE MY ENTIRE GODDAMN MIND

Let's not have any dancing on the grave of Mitch McConnell. Make way for all the people who want to piss and shit on it please .

Who called it a crucifix and not Christ T

How were the fireworks honey? Not bad. Accidentally spontaneously started worshipping a glowing obelisk though. That was kinda weird. Good corndogs.

You guys check out this hair stuff my kid brought back from Japan

Did you all ever consider that your dogs just aren't patriotic enough?

Handing out large metal poles while wearing a shirt that says "Lightning is a liberal hoax" is apparently a crime now? Land of the free my ass

The dude rushing into the ER with his hand wrapped in a bloody towel did not seem to appreciate my "GImme three and a half" joke.

My wife, picking up my nieces baby daughter that I have once again placed in the corner: "You have to knock this shit off. That movie came out 30 years ago. Nobody thinks its funny."

Today is the fourth (day in a row I have eaten an unreasonable number of hotdogs and have given myself a terrible tummy ache, followed by a period of intense self reflection on the toilet followed by another trip to the store to replenish my hotdog supply)

In keeping with the rising tide of political sadism in the country, U.S. officials announced that today's fireworks are being set off exclusively to terrorize dogs and other weak-willed animals.

As usual, Henry gets it.

Monthly reminder: Many people have a book in them, but it takes a special kind of freak to leave the Land of Laziness, cross the Plains of Procrastination and Insecurity Mountain, find the Blade of No One Made You Do This, and use it to cut your chest open and yank that book out.

Just a reminder. I'm always surprised how many people aren't aware of this. #Libraries

Just never get into sports betting, gas station heroin, or creative writing, and you'll be fine

You guys leave poor Mitch McConnell alone. He only single handedly ratfucked the American Experiment into fascist oblivion laughing the whole time, big whoop let him lie in a pool of his own bloody hot diarrhea in peace sheesh

My post workout smoothie has so many supplements in it that I'm either going to die or become a superhero. Excited to find out which

Im going to self publish my novel that I have been sitting on for a decade, because fuck it man why not?

The Flatliners PUP Jared Keeso Catherine O'Hara (RIP) Cancer Bats

maybe no one is building a time machine in the future because everyone is dead

Oh what am I up to? Oh the usual....shame eating a giant bag of fast food in my car in the parking lot outside my work

Yesterday I invented the Neopolitan Milkshake, which apparently you have been able to order at In N Out for years.

Putting closed captions on my audiobook

You've Blinded your last Melon

My favorite part of being a Transformer is how my car insurance also works as my health insurance.

RIP Brente, who ate half a jellybean and ruptured his teeny tiny baby tummy. Godspeed, lil fella

The sound of snow falling Getting really lost in a book A hot shower, especially after walking in the rain Morning coffee The soreness of muscles from working out

I know this is not the biggest concern going these days, but it stresses me out that basically every artist/writer/critic is now expected to create their own tiny empire instead of getting paid by any existing entity to perform a job they've worked to get good at!!!!

Researching how to sink yachts for a writing project, and also not for a writing project

When I was 17 on vacation in Mazatlan, I did a shot with a worm in it, and ever since then, during quiet moments, I can hear it speak. Unfortunately it's all in Spanish, which I failed in High school, and Duolingo seems like a hassle so I just wish he'd shut up. Ayudame my ass, ya dumb worm

🇺🇸 today 😔

Got this fancy cup o noodles at Whole Foods for 5 bucks and let me tell you I would 1000% have preferred to have 5 1 dollar cups o noodles from the dollar store instead

I would watch the hell out of a Boneshaker movie

Disclosure Day was a pretty big Meh for me. It felt dated and rehashed, the cgi animals looked fake as hell, and aside from one scene, was kinda boring as well. Emily Blunt was awesome of course, and Colin Firth was surprisingly good as the main antagonist. Gtade: C. Just go see Backrooms instead

Disclosure Day sure had some fake ass lookin animals in it huh?

My favorite part of the Equalizer is where Denzel says "you just got equalized homey" everytime he kills a guy

Of course he gets a stormtrooper escort, that's Darth Wader.

Tinder, but for finding other middle-aged dudes to be in a band with you

Re: your eloquently stated previous point: agreed, and may I add, fuckity fuckshit pooping assbutt ratfuckshitballs

Grape stomp lady karaoke

hairless chewbaccas for han solos with allergies. just a big pink fleshy naked guy strutting around yelling

I think my campaign started going downhill when I said I would "get pink eye from keeping a close look at those assholes in Congress"

Oh shit, Backrooms is absolutely for real.. I'm torn between wanting to watch it again tomorrow and hoping I never see it again.

The latest from North American Friends TV Club

In what I can only describe as an act of psychological terrorism, my kid started singing the chorus of Amber by 311 this morning and I have found myself accidentally humming it at least seventeen times today.

Me, driving around the Valley of The Shadow of Death, avoiding it entirely and only adding an additional seven minutes to my journey: I wonder if there's anything good on the radio

❤️

“This poem revolutionizes our understanding of the ancient world,” says Trinity professor Oliver O’Leary. “We had no idea that the ancient Romans had knowledge of Nantucket, let alone met a man from there. And the rich anatomical detail—“