This isn’t a dig at Mahmood’s appearance (there are plenty of other things to tackle her on) but why does this photo look like a facial reconstruction after they’ve discovered a skull in an ancient graveyard?

Sainsbury's has an aisle for things that don't exist.

Motsi looks amazing tonight #strictly

I love Alex Kingston ❤️ #strictly

See the budget still doesn’t extend to Tess having a stylist #strictly

Well don't I feel stupid

Just seen a dessert on a menu described as “baked cookie dough”. So, a cookie?

Watching Blues Brothers because A) I’m poorly and need comfort telly B) It‘s nice to actually see someone take action against Nazis Instead of indulging them

Yes, but also it should be bottomless gravy. Free refills. I should not have my gravy consumption limited by Big Carvery.

Despite repeatedly asking the 12yo not to cough her cold germs in the face of her immunosuppressed mother, guess who woke up gagging on her own tonsils this morning?

Apparently someone told my boss today that they hoped I was staying on a project because I’m “fierce” in meetings and I’m not sure if it’s because they appreciate my efforts or just my entertainment value

If anyone’s looking for a project now that the nights are drawing in, I have a solid knot of tension between my shoulders that you could have a crack at. It is actually the only solid muscle in a body that otherwise has the tone and strength of custard.

People are doing rapture jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

The Duke of Wellington and Wes Anderson. Obviously.

Why are you covered in jam? I pumped it up. You… Pumped it up. *opening mouth Bike pump. *we both continue to eat our toast in silence.

Just been to the cinema with the MIL to watch Christopher Plummer rip a Nazi flag up in 4K (swoon)

My 12yo, who has no idea who Tom Skinner is, correctly identified that he has Biff Tannen vibes #strictly

*have a banana noise* Guadalajara

Husband scowled through Radiohead but just declared Mr Vain “class” #totp #groundsfordivorce

Could someone ask Johnny where his jumper’s from please? #totp

Well, a woman posted. Better explain to her what she just said

Put in a pair of proper socks for the first time this autumn and I feel like I’m being prepped for surgery

Heard an American bloke saying ‘we don’t kill people for speech in this country.’ I mean, you do though, don’t you? You’re sort of notorious for it. You’ve got boulevards and federal holidays named after people you killed for speech. Proper people. Not just gobshites.

Racist, homophobic, misogynistic, transphobic views aren't 'controversial'. I thought we had got to a stage where we agreed these things were backwards and vile. The sooner we start calling bigots by their name the better

She came from Ayr she had a thirst for porridge 🎵

In Next earlier and a young lady was asking where the changing rooms were and staff just either told her “in Womenswear” or dismissively wafted their hands in their direction (it’s a massive retail park store) 1/2

I know there are bigger issues at play but I just saw a bloke in full camo and a hi viz vest. Make your mind up, mate.

I’ve been busy all morning, so it’s not like I’m sitting around bored, but I Cannot. Stop. Snacking. I have a Friday tapeworm.

My parents’ next door neighbour has broken her hip because she was at line dancing class and her shoes had too much grip. She’s 95. Absolute menace.

one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy five for silver six for actually that's a lot of magpies seven for oh no they are massing eight for oh my god they're going to attack nine for run, run away now ten for magpies Magpies MAGPIES

Concerned by how long the queues might be in Tesco today

Time to turn the tables. If you're a corporation who does business with me you are now subscribed to my email updates. Every morning you will hear my most horrible thoughts

Daughter is asking me to teach her to cook, while I am making myself a monster munch bap…

Sitting in bed relaxing and a bloody great tit flew across the room in front of me and smacked into the window, before eventually finding its way out of the open window. Need a bloody Valium after that

"That's me, that is."

Rumors of my death have been greatly appreciated. Needed the rest.

Will watch the start of the WSL season this afternoon with cheese, crackers & olives, then pretend to know what’s going on in the rugby world cup ENG vs AUS game, then and me and my family will all just stare at each other because none of us have worked out what to have for dinner

The trick to being productive is to have multiple things you're procrastinating from doing

I like how they’re now showing Horrible Histories on BBC3 so that I can easily flick to a better song when #totp 1998 gets too 1998

YOUR ENEMIES LAMENT YOUR VERY EXISTENCE. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH WATER TODAY?

I am a hypermasculine and extremely powerful alpha male. As such my greatest fears are seed oils, rainbows, people who don't look like me being on TV, and preventative medicine. I cannot explain any of these fears and consider that to be your fault.

Just been shouted at by the cat because I accidentally woke him up and now he’ll never be able to get back to sleep

Appears I‘ve finally been subtweeted by Susie Dent

Off the back of this brilliant thread, I wanted to reminisce about THE greatest book of all time:

Friends fear she’s eating London cheesecakes again…

I can

Just overheard a lady explaining her change of surname from her ex-husband’s and described it as her “mistake name” (as opposed to maiden name)

This is the catalyst that eventually leads to my 12yo being referred to Prevent

Once again for the people at the back…