.001 milliseconds after it dawns on me that I’ve been ignoring/supporting a genocide: most important thing now is no scolding about this

bored at the zoo

I'm sorry but imagine fighting with your partner and then you come into the room 30 mins later to reconcile and he's drawing this lmfao

guy who can only speak in mixed idioms: well… when life gives you romans..

[checking out at the grocery store] How am I doing? Well, frankly, I'm on the brink. Even the slightest inconvenience could be what finally pushes me over the edge. Anyways, I thought the tag said this cat food was $5, but it seems to be ringing up as $6?

your CPAP machine is lowkey annoying af. i'm turning that shit off

8 inches and enby, call that the river monster

sorry for sort of thirst trapping but i'm four weeks into a cut after rehabbing my shoulder for three months & i'm already getting close to the level of muscle definition i had here looking forward to seeing where i'm at when like april rolls around

what the hell did spotify mean by this

where does the new york times even find these people

man goes to doctor. says he is depressed. says life seems harsh and cruel. says he feels all alone in a threatening world. doctor says, "treatment is simple. download tubi app. pull up jeff dunham "all over the map" special." man says thanks. goes home. it works

i decided that it's about time for me to start working on my mental health

As the author of several acclaimed stories such as "Busty Topless Woman Jacks Off My Self-Insert," "Busty Topless Woman Fellates My Self-Insert," and "Sex," I think you should be more considerate of authorial intent.

nothing worse than not being able to find your headphone case when you need it. except for genocide of course

people like to crack jokes about september 11th, but i'll say this much: i wouldn't like it one bit if people flew airplanes into where i work and killed me

[messaging a woman on tinder] picture this.....watership down, ringing bell, plague dogs triple feature. and then we kill ourselves

The face he makes when he want cuddles, enchanted boots, or sex

heyyyy i know this is random but i don’t know if you saw the yevgeny prigozhin news yet. anyways, it had me thinking how you and i were our own mercenary team. us against the world. haha no worries if you don’t want to reply

sorry i havent been around as much recently. ive been playing baldurs gate 3 and variously spurning and accepting the invitations my party members in that game make to have sex and cum inside them

i guess if you executed everyone with a lifted truck, it wouldnt solve the problem of, like, Windows resetting your audio settings after an update, or topsoil erosion. but a lot of times i find that if i tackle one easy thing, the solution for the harder problems becomes more clear. so lets just see

the kiseki games are about love, finding your own family, and how the one token bisexual guy who hangs out around you is harboring massive, earth-shattering secrets

Tinder date: i’m really looking for a man with ambition. would you say you’re ambitious? Oda Nobunaga, great daimyō of the Sengoku period: はい

Saluting a random guy in a Teamsters shirt. Getting a little carried away and accidentally calling him dad. (Adam Curtis voice) But then something funny happened: he actually became my dad

bluesky is cool and everything, but unlike with x, people that see the icon on my phone aren't going to immediately think i downloaded some sort of glory hole locator. can the devs do something about this?

trying to pick people up at the bar by telling them that i had a permanent white tiger pet in maplestory

mark david chapman did a respectable job but i think it would have been much more satisfying to kill john lennon with a hammer

What if Baby Yoda had AIDS. That’s right, the trolls are here.

only the brilliant mind of elon musk could come up with an idea for his website so stupid, and so clumsily executed, that it effectively sabotaged his competitor

training like goku traveling to namek so i can deliver a punch to hasbulla powerful enough to completely collapse his chest cavity

kong toy for wizards and they have to use their spells to get the peanut butter out

Me: Tragic what happened to those people on the submarine. At least, by way of the vessel imploding, they were spared the experience of watching their oxygen supplies dwindle as they fruitlessly awaited a rescue that would never come. Inflation Dave: What if I blew you up like a balloon. Lol

THAT’S ME IN A TESLA THAT’S ME AT THE CROSSWALK CHOOSING MY COLLISION

(as angry as it is possible to be at a colleague) Hey! Any update on this?

[gooning until i activate 100% of my brain like in the film lucy] hello sharks,