Coffee shops will be making a toastie and a latte and making so much noise doing it you’d think they were forging metal.

She’s a 10 but she buys her clothes from Amazon

I don’t want to be dramatic about it but if I ask for a flat white and you serve me a small latte, I am going to tut loudly and shake my head.

Telling my kids this was Glinda and Elphaba

Idk man I just haven’t felt fergalicious in such a long time

If you don’t get excited about going through a car wash, why are you lying? I’m 32 years old and I still get excited about going through a car wash.

Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’ https://theonion.com/trump-threatens-to-sue-bbc-over-misleading-edit-of-the-vicar-of-dibley/

Adulthood is the moment at which you go from tolerating carrot cake to actually enjoying it.

Graham Linehan is a fucking weirdo, pass it on

Nobody: Literally nobody: Foxes having sex at 2am:

I’m not ashamed to admit I think pigeons are actually really fucking cute

What kind of sick pervert buys their lunch at Boots the chemist?

what’s it called when you get a tummy ache after eating a whole packet or oreos, knowing full well it would give you a tummy ache?

Putting my name in the ring for next pope. I’m not catholic, but I think I’d look smashing in the big hat x

Happy Easter but only to everyone who works in theatre and isn’t getting a single minute of time off this weekend 🐰 that two show day is what Jesus would have wanted, queens x

Imagine acting prestige and your outfit is from Temu

Might fuck about and join a cult x

WRONG it’s the walk to the Elizabeth Line at Liverpool Street station

the neurodivergent urge to lock eyes with the ceiling

Is there anything more profoundly embarrassing than a pro-life man voicing their silly little opinions? Literally shut the fuck up.

Me: my food was cold Deliveroo: here’s 46p credit now shut your stupid mouth

can i just say, none of this is very brat

Donald Trump. An Apology. The new Private Eye is out now

*shouts through tear filled eyes* TELL ME TOMORROW I’LL WAIT BY THE WINDOW FOR YOU

Every day from now on, there is gradually more daylight until summer.

If you see anyone talking about how the Amazon strike could disrupt the flow of packages:

I once got elected as my country's opposition leader and the only thing I was noticed for in my first six weeks in office was having a go at sandwiches

i did not leave twitter to have that dumb bitch all over my TL here

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

the wealthiest man in the world having his mom go on TV to say she finds it "degrading" when people refer to him as the wealthiest man in the world rather than "the genius of the world" is some real tinpot dictatorship state-run TV shit

A rap battle is two men writing poems about each other

“So if you care to find me, look to the western sky...”

Netflix - please stop minimising the end credits of movies to suggest something else. Let viewers enjoy the soundtrack and see the cast and crew that worked on the film. We'll exit it ourselves when ready to. #film #filmsky #movies #moviesky

To be fair she does look like a chicken.

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

people who hate musicals talk about it endlessly... it kind of sounds like it's a really big emotion that might be best expressed through song for them

A comprehensive list of the loudest sounds ever recorded: - Krakatoa eruption, 1883 - Saturn V rocket launch, 1967 - The “see it, say it, sorted” announcements on Greater Anglia trains, 2024

Andrew Tate couldn’t make it a single day on here without getting banned and if that’s not a reason to love this app idek

Thinking about how Rod Stewart sings the whole song "Maggie May" to a person who just woke up

Hard to think of anyone better suited - sartorially & temperamentally - to protesting in this weather than farmers.

[whispers into the void] Oh. This is nice.

AirPods died at the gym, it’s just me and my demons now

Imagine sitting down for a drink or a meal with people whose company you enjoyed & being told by management that half of the table would be now occupied by people who just wanted to shout ‘C**t’ at you. The exodus has absolutely nothing to do with ‘opinions’. Media reports must reflect this more.