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Do you think air looks at water and thinks “nobody has to remind people to take more of me you dummy”?

Apparently Matt Gaetz has promised to go after everyone on Santa’s naughty list

Dear me in 6 months, You stupid bitch. You never learn.

Sometimes it feels like nothing I scream in couples therapy is helping

Ep 2 of Legends of Comedy now on Channel 4. Featuring the amazing Sally Phillips and written by me and Lenny Henry! Enjoy the blurry picture of my credit that only took 11 tries to get right

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I’d paid attention when subsequent song lyrics were mentioned

This job paved the way for me to become a full time comedy writer or as my 3 year old calls it “looking out of the window all day again”

[crooning] L is for the way I lick your peen O is for the orgasms you scream V is very very slippery wet and hairy E ejaculate in ropey streams across my butt And LOVE is what we call this thing we do LOVE is sweaty fun for 3 or 2 More than 3 can make it but it gets more complicated…

[crashing your wedding] “wow this place is a real echo chamber.”

ME: President Kennedy! I’m from the future, to warn you your nephew will grow up to enable a dictator! JFK: Okay, anything else I need to worry about? ME: I don’t know man, I’m not really a history buff

The worst thing to happen to a Kennedy in a vehicle, since JFK drove through Dallas

Got called into HR for being too handsome and charming again. Those weren’t the words they used, but I can read between the lines.

Lenny Henry’s Legends of Comedy starts tonight on Channel 4 at 8:15pm Written by me! 👀

When I make that little signing gesture in a restaurant, I’m not asking for the bill, I’m encouraging the waiter to finish their screenplay

I mean, anyone can just say things can’t they? I’m going to put a pumpkin on Venus in eleventy staples. See it’s easy

DOCTOR: Please rate the pain between 1 and not getting cast in the school production of Oliver

The only way to dispose of a used Q-Tip that has landed behind the toilet is to burn down your entire house.

And therefore I can reveal that the murderer is none other than… I’m so sorry we were introduced earlier but remind me

THERAPIST: Let's do some word association. ME: Night. THERAPIST: What? ME: Black. THERAPIST: We didn't start yet. ME: Up. THERAPIST: Oh boy. ME: Girl.

Your porn star name is your first pet plus whatever people called you when you started having sex on camera for money

your email finds me at the bottom of a deep hole. dirt under my nails. dirt in my teeth. no memory of how I got here. or who I am. or, who I used to be. I am something different now. a desperate creature, resigned to the earth which swallows me. but that's cool about your terms of service, I guess

Urgh, my wife getting all pissy about proof reading my Grindr bio

clearly the maggots came from somebody's carrion luggage

Had Pizza Hut for lunch, so just gonna shit myself to death real quick

JUDGE: On the charge of poor grammar, how do you plead? ME: You’re honour… JUDGE: Take him away

If you play Zeppelin albums backwards on your phone, Spotify has to give you money

This is fast becoming my Citizen Kane

JUDGE: On the charge of poor grammar, how do you plead? ME: You’re honour… JUDGE: Take him away

If you can’t handle me at my bratwurst, you don’t deserve me at my brat summer

Optimist: The cup is half full Pessimist: The cup is half empty Indiana Jones: The cup used by Christ at the last supper and it belongs in a museum!

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll put the maggots in his mouth to keep them warm and you know what I’m just gonna cancel my direct debit

Not to brag guys, but I just asked my therapist to come and see my play and she didn’t say anything

Just put lavender pillow spray on the bank note I snort cocaine with

Can’t believe I’ve come on holiday without my butt plug adaptor

Exhausted from another weekend geared entirely around my child’s happiness, whilst remembering that when I was a kid every Saturday was spent watching my dad buy wood

Damn, you draw one little chalk outline around a child's body, and everyone loses their shit

[jon lovitz voice]

. Me: My mother always told me to find a man who'll walk with me, hold my arm, and open the door for me. I just never thought I'd actually find you. Cop: Watch your head.

There are two pizza places about equidistant from my place in opposite directions. Both you can get one slice, which is all I want. Both thin crust, but one more crispy, one more floppy. So, maybe everything really will be okay.

*keeps your skeets in a little Tupperware in the fridge so I can reheat them to enjoy later*

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I’d paid attention when subsequent song lyrics were mentioned

. CATHOLIC CHURCH: No meat on Fridays! ME: Okay, so, no eggs for breakfast. CATHOLIC CHURCH: No, eggs are okay. ME: But eggs are chickens, right? CATHOLIC CHURCH: No, not until they hatch. ME: OH. So, a thing isn't a thing until it's born? CATHOLIC CHURCH: Correct. No, WAIT -

I open a jar of strawberry preserves and find a tiny mobster wearing a pinstripe suit and a fedora. "It looks like you're in a real jam," I say right before he shoots me.