I am once again asking how did my freedoms end up all the way over there?

It's a good thing that other guest was calling in over zoom because I really thought @jonathancapehart.bsky.social was gonna bite his head off if he was there in person. youtu.be/VO8t7Reg6qg?...

I got a new job as the guy that writes the fortunes inside fortune cookies. 🥠

Pats going to the Superbowl is a recession indicator. #nfl

I'm so close to having this down.

Nancy Wheeler, you're dead to me

Extraordinary courage from Ahmed al Ahmed, a Muslim, 43-year-old father of two, who bravely risked his life to save his neighbors celebrating Hanukkah. Praying for his full & speedy recovery. And so deeply inspired by his example.

i'd rather be autistic than whatever the fuck RFK Jr. is

i think if you ride public transit enough you learn that most weird behavior is not dangerous, and conversely i think driving a car teaches you that everyone is trying to kill you at all times

Nerf this boss please

And the Oscar for best supporting actress in a video game goes to: Sherma!

i do not like living in the plot of springtime for hitler

Listening to Clairo on a cloudless morning in New Jersey. True Bliss.

Everything in the world is in motion. . . . Life changes, productive forces grow, old relations collapse. — Karl Marx

flags at half mast for teh massive fuckeign shit i;m gonna take later

It Only Tuesday https://theonion.com/it-only-tuesday-1819569397/

Also me

Go Bills!

Drop an old person you're going to turn into in the future

Even though I don't work in a restaurant, it is nice I still have a walk-in refrigerator to cry in at work.

[gets into heaven] hell yeah [goes to hell] heavens no

I spend a lot of my life trying to counter recency bias.

It's wild how obsessed I get with songs but this is the latest in the cycle and I've already listened to it 50+ since discovering it less than a week ago. #MARINA

new york minute: 7 seconds washing machine minute: 7 minutes

They really got mad at us for even suggesting to defund the police but they can just defund public media, a thing people actually enjoy having in their house.

You could literally play anything and tell me it's by Hootie and The Blowfish and I'd believe you.

I made the news #philly #phillyStrike

Tim Robinson should play @bradlander.bsky.social on SNL

Wish I could text my cat to ask him if he wants anything from the grocery store.

*Hey Louis, what started you on the journey of becoming a self identifying polytheist?* Well, in junior year my 90% white high school did a production of Once Upon This Island and I started saying "dear gods" a lot to make fun of them and it kinda spiraled from there.

“I asked ChatGPT-“ okay well I asked the big oak tree at the center of the woods and she said you’re a lazy dork

Today we celebrate Him

Any bar with a gift shop is a bad bar.

They should make an elevated Fast and Furious movie where the cars are a metaphor for depression

I'm 33. I'm going to run to primary Senator Schumer at this point.

If we could set back technology for everything except hot water, light bulbs and modern medicine, that would be my ideal society.

“Spring forward” is the worst night of the year, worse even than the purge

Doing any additional shrek while the Smash Mouth lead singer is dead and gone is just a sacrilege I can’t even

Describe your account in one Simpsons image

Can’t believe the knives are already out in the stores. The Ides of March gets more commercialized every year.

TO: <ALL STAFF> Please respond to this email confirming that I am cool and funny. Failure to do so will be taken as confirmation of the same.

If Disney wasn't cowards they would do the live action remake of Oliver and Company.

"Actually I feel like he rescued me." But I'm talking about my two orange cats that share one brain cell and can't do anything cept sleep and eat.

(pointing to punisher logo on policeman's shirt while being arrested stealing baby shoes from Ross) thats fucking awesome . I love dead pool

despite everything, the world is beautiful