If you say anything in support of trans people, conservatives immediately assume you're trans because they don't understand the concept of caring about people other than yourself.

Just spent 20 minutes staring in confusion at my coworker after she casually mentioned having "a few new elves living in the house this year." Then I realized she meant those Elf on the Shelf things and not actual elves.

Neurotypicals will be like "This person has bad vibes 😱" and it's just a harmless autistic person with common autistic traits.

Re-dialing this customer service number in hopes of being put on hold again so I can hear that really sick saxophone solo.

Fuck yeah I'm good in bed, assuming you mean passing out by myself in a sea of half-read novels and having an 18-hour depression nap.

Guys who drive Cybertrucks don't wash their balls.

One of my special interests is horror movies, which means I spend way too much time thinking about the scene in Halloween: Resurrection where Busta Rhymes, a main character for some reason, screams "HIII-YA" in a cartoonishly high-pitched voice before kung-fu kicking Michael Myers out of a window.

Vecna from Stranger Things looks like an "edgy joke" guy who everyone hates at open mic nights.

Hi, friends. I have a new prose poem in Dream Boy Book Club today. It's about autism. Or is it actually about smoking weed? Nobody knows! Happy Thanksgiving. ❤️📺

Humbled and excited to announce that I'm being added to Super Smash Bros. as a playable character. My final smash is called "avoiding eye contact."

When I accidentally step on my cat's tail, I feel like I need everyone in the world to text me and reassure me that I'm not the worst person to ever live.

Coworker just went on a 20-minute rant about how mermaids are real and how you can find evidence of this on TikTok.

On a video call with a coworker who has a poster behind him of what appears to be a scuba diver riding a narwhal. My social anxiety is preventing me from asking some urgent questions.

Names I've called my cat over the past week: Mr. Man, Floofy, Slappy, Pumpkinhead, Frank, Roger, Big Pimpin', Bob Barker from The Price Is Right, Whiskerboy.

My favorite type of ASMR is when conservatives shut the fuck up.

My crazy radical take is that pedophiles shouldn't be presidents.

Accidentally said "nice" at my job when my boss told me there were 69 emails in the inbox.

This is the only social media app I can open and not immediately see someone spewing fascist talking points. If this is what an "echo chamber" is, I like echo chambers.

Started saying "Well, that's one way to tame a sasquatch" in various situations at work and it's been a pretty big hit.

Hey, sorry I took 5 months to reply to your Instagram DM. I was watching reels of cockatoos.

If you killed me in PVP mode, I'd drop an orange slush vape and 3-6 terrible love poems.

Coworker called out of work because she stubbed her toe, which I think is completely understandable.

I require breadsticks.

Creating a girlfriend application that's just bad horror movie trivia questions and a color-by-number emperor penguin.

Made myself sad by remembering that it's physically impossible to read every book I want to read in a single lifetime.

It's me. A god-fearing conservative. I'm here to lecture you all about masculinity.

The spookiest part about Spooky Season is when my overstimulated ass has to choose between the uncomfortable feeling of dry skin and the uncomfortable feeling of lotion.

Look at he.

Just thinking about The Brave Little Toaster. Man, what a legend.

Protesting mansplaining by being a man that doesn't know anything.

A show like Ghost Adventures but everyone is autistic and they're just trying to figure out why their crush ghosted them.

I think my biggest neurodivergent tell is that I'm visibly uncomfortable during small talk, yet totally at peace when someone starts oversharing the weirdest shit I've ever heard.

After I die, the only song I want played at my funeral is "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" by Soulja Boy.

I only have one person blocked on social media and it's because they kept sending me conspiracy theory videos about chemtrails.

Hate it when people at my job ask me if I "have any big plans for the weekend" because it's really no one's business that I'm gonna be eating dinosaur nuggets with my cat.

I bring a "late again but only because I passed some alpacas and had to pull over to say hi to them real quick" kind of vibe.

Saw that "ANTIFA escalator" was trending on social media today, which is a pretty good indicator that conservatives are having a normal one.

Too many neurotypicals will make a Tylenol joke until it's a dead meme and then go back to forgetting that autistic people exist.

Cool tip for neurotypicals: if you're having discussions about autism, you should consider...inviting autistic people into the conversation.

I’m sorry, the message was literally “ANTI-ICE” written in pen?

The real rapture is when your crush ghosts you.

Me and all the autistic baddies are at the EDM club with our Tylenol. 💯

"Uhhhmmm, but what if that homeless dude just buys drugs with the money you gave him?" Uhhhmmm, don't be a fucking cop. ❤️

Flirted with a really cute person today. And by "flirted," I mean I looked in their general direction for a second and then moved to a different country.

I got raptured but I kept info-dumping about the history of Midwest emo, so they sent me back.

What this administration doesn't realize is that autism makes you cooler. Normies are about to start snorting Tylenol.

I want the ghost of Bob Ross to come paint little trees for me when I'm sad.

I think Mr. Rogers should've fronted a hardcore punk band.

The autistic experience of not wanting to be perceived by anyone while simultaneously longing so desperately for connection.

I have a growing suspicion that my cat is a republican but I'm not ready to talk about it yet.