do you think Osama bin Laden ever sent a sext that was like "President's Daily Brief: Bin Ladin Determined To Tap That Ass"

weird, based on what I heard I thought he'd be more of a Mushroomhead guy

this is good but this also seems like how we get Terminator. which, honestly, fair

I am honestly shocked it's taken this long for any of their hotel locations to get figured out

when ur a law firm but also a cooking imperative

Fuck man. I don't know. That could be a very small horse. Or boat.

i stand by this statement every year

@nometahere.bsky.social get a brain moran

harry potter book for adults: the pilsner of in my hand

Im fucking farting

Me, enlightened and also very handsome: actually they're all garbage

@sighfieri.bsky.social IMPORTANT: youtu.be/c-6OT-lNtBE?...

FUN FACT: Sweet Baby Broccoli was a middle infielder for the St. Louis Browns from 1908 to 1913.

Last Christmas, the conceit of which I figured out roughly about 10 minutes before it was revealed in the film, during which I just had to clench my jaw with increasing fury and be glad I had only paid a Tuesday night discount to see in the theaters. God what a piece of absolute shit

I think they should join the acc

oh damn, CBP goofs/pratfalls AND cocaine? sounds like a party

[spilling my Lay's bag all over the board as the old men in the park glare at me]

The reason the Eagles didn’t just fly the ring into Mordor is that Kevin Patullo was coordinating their offense

Ah, the panic of "where did this huge dried out zit on the tip of my nose come from" followed by the sweet release of realization of "oh okay that's just a dried chunk of pinto bean from the burrito I had an hour ago"

BeaTwix Potter

Dropping grapes into my king's mouth without making physical contact so as to prevent myself from being turned to solid gold

Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.

hey you throw harpoons your name is Queequeg we'll share a bed soon so call me Ishmael

A boomerang that doesn't come back for 5 or more years is legally presumed to be a stick.

There's actually a little Easter egg in some of the German army scenes of World War 1, where sometimes you can see a corporal (I don't think he has any lines) who's actually supposed to be the bad guy in the next one.

13-10 strikes again when you least expect it

That's what I love about these college kickers, man. I get older, they are not a sure thing from any distance at all,

yeah there was something real fucked in the air at Aldi's this morning

Layla Hays putting that spin on the ball is a goddamn cheat code

"Open Windows in Prague" (A24, 1618)

Grandma had a threesome with a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve You can say the cuck chair's not for Santa But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

I'm laughing because I know Italians aren't real

whoever who finally comes up with a way to phrase "I want to die" in a non-actual-ideation way that nevertheless adequately expresses "I very much currently do not want to exist right now in this present moment and situation however this is extremely temporary and I'll be fine" will likely make me

mad about corn

doctor operated on my anal glands instead of my adrenal glands because he forgot about dre

Guy who has only read Nixonland, looking at the political climate in the last year: Getting a lot of 'Nixonland' vibes from this...

these sheets are for when you don't have a dirty T-shirt or sock within reach, I guess?

Riley Moss got bailed the fuck out there

Walking up to Maynard James Keenan before a concert and handing him a setlist I’d like him to play “because it’s my birthday”.

tonight I did karaoke

girl crush me between your, concrete

[testing something] England should fucking sink into the ocean for food crimes

[celebrating Iowa winning] [Checking Kirk's contract] oh no

As a Dallas sports fan watching Post Malone after Detroit rolled out Jack White and Eminem is like what it feels like sitting in traffic while thinking about Japan’s maglev trains

You've just died. 6th picture in your gallery is what killed you.

oh no, Detroit is cheering for Telsaa?!?

I do not believe Tom Brady is, "fired up" for Jack White's performance

Google Gemini: Lie to your children to cover for your mistakes™

a mufo kindly responded to a sweaty post-biking picture of me drinking a tall boy of Grain Belt with "DILF vibes off the charts, well done" 🫠