I think finding a venue to host our child's first birthday party might actually be hell on earth. I'm in hell.

🤭🫣 #wagonwednesday

We’re interviewing a part time nanny for 1-2 days a week today, she got lost on the way to our house. She got her instructions on Mapquest and has a flip phone… seems promising so far.

The cheese would never have to stand alone if I had anything to do with it.

You ever have four ibuprofen and an energy drink for breakfast and think, Yeah, that’ll fix you, you piece of shit? Yeah, no, totally. Me either. That’d be crazy.

Try not to be too jealous, but a special someone gets to send a poop sample in the mail!! #humblebrag

Think he should have been Carlos RoDONE after 5 probably.

Grad school is always like write a Linear Regression Analysis and never like ... how are you doing? Did you eat today?

ACAB includes sexy Halloween cops and stripper cops.

Boston #1

Not now Hakeem, can’t you see I’m busy?

No one: No one at all: Verse in 90’s dance hit Boom Boom Boom: “Girl your booty is so round I just wanna lay you down Let me take you from behind I won't cum until it's time But if I cannot sleep with you Maybe I could have a taste Put your niney on my tongue And your booty on my face.” 🙃

Based on the facial hair I’ve seen tonight I think the Yankees should bring back the cleanly shaven policy.

I witnessed someone order a big mac in front of me a few years ago, McDonalds is already CRAZY SALTY. The proceeded to ask for extra salt and extra mayo. I could tell they were a smoker but the idea of eating this order fucking haunts my dreams. Rest assured, they got a diet coke with it!

Just finished The Flame Bearer by Bernard Cornwell 4 out of 5 ⭐️ www.goodreads.com/book/show/28...

What idiot called it a penis instead of a GOOtensil?

It was -50lbs by 40 and 6 weeks which is close enough for me. Can I get a hell yeah brother??

Kid in full leather mail is by far the hardest dude at the apple orchard.

Dads have earned a little sip, as a treat. 🍻

Just finished ‘Warriors of the Storm’ by Bernard Cornwell. 4.5 out of 5 ⭐️ www.goodreads.com/book/show/25...

My daughter tried wheat today and loved it, as expected. Her Italian father, who’s battled weight most of his life and would shank someone for bread, always knew this day would come.🍞🤌🇮🇹

BuT tHe FrEe SpEeCh YoU'rE uSiNg DoEsN't MaTcH MY aGeNda

The duality of watching my daughter learn to feed herself while she’s taking a very loud shit is truly something else man.

Too early?

Nightmare Blunt Rotation:

Ate an apple cider donut for breakfast today, you can't tell me shit... till at least lunch.

I’m sorry what now?

Did any of you do a wrestling rpg stuff, I remember in the late 90s doing some as wrestlers I created and cutting promos on a message board and the commish would write matches and do cards? A simpler time, man it was cool to have nothing better to do in jr high…

I am dealing with an inner crisis right now. I have been a DeWalt guy for a while, but the store did not have DeWalt hex drill bits stocked and I had to get Milwaukee. They seem nice but I’m worried DeWalt devotees may look at me and smell this betrayal. #housedivided

Happy Fat Boy Friday to all those who celebrate (shout out to Fat Pussy Friday as well.)

I'll tell you what the world DOES NOT NEED, and it's this cover of Blind Melon's No Rain but in a pop/dance/elevator style with a Caribbean style mixed playing at the car dealership. What fresh hell is this?

A little Miss Rachel drama/gossip for you: Frankie (puppet) totally wants to get with Ms. Keisha but she’s into the white dude who plays guitar that looks like Steve the bartender from Sex and the City mixed with Rick Moranis.

Wild that it takes a conservative white male being shot and not all the FUCKING CHILDREN being killed regularly in school shootings.

I don't mean to brag but... your boy took his first shower in 3 days last night.

If you listen to AI Podcasts I can only assume you have brain worms.

horny4stats

Currently paying $1200 to dig a giant trench in my back yard, AMA.

#justfinished The Empty Throne by Bernard Cornwell ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ out of 5. www.goodreads.com/book/show/21...

It's an under appreciated Nicolas Cage film, not his best but I usually watch it if I see it on cable.

First car payment in like 5 years... feels bad man.

I can assure you there is zero useful reason to say "we've already been over this MANY times" on a call where someone is trying to help you. This is not constructive behavior, grow up.

For reference last year I was the Cleveland Cucks, and ESPN wouldn't let me use the word Cucks so I had to be the Cleveland Cuck Chairs.

You forgot grief and end of life before you can pay them off.

I need everyones help naming a fantasy team, I gave a friend a good one but now I need to name mine! His team name is the 'Brockton Bussy' I fear it's too good and I should have kept it for myself. I need another wild name that starts with a B for myself. Please help.

Croquets. I think I’ve made my point and there’s nothing else that needs to be said.

You don’t fucking say… but they’re going to keep letting him do literally whatever he wants.

CEO of company starting a social hour for people who come in on Wednesdays - Good. Insisting on calling it Wet Wednesday - 😬

Sleep Token, not close.