nice try you fucking idiot, my cool amulet said you'd tell me that

why tf my genie say hes not a miracle worker to my wish I thought that was literally the point

bro my son is older than me fuck this stupid time loop bullshit

I'm lowkey highkey lowkey you know

not enough rappers are yodeling these days

when a kid bullies my kid I dont get angry at them. I earn their trust with my skateboarding, then I whisper to them that the most fun they can have in life is to microwave rodents that they catch. the problem sorts itsself out

Every so often I get something I wanted when I was a kid, and have an out of body experience as I see that tiny part of me get happy and excited only to disappear under the sorrow of not being able to experience it when I was a child. Today's joke is a lovely knock knock joke about the jews.

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

if his name wasnt Dafoe, spiderman wouldve had an easy first movie

I was called into HR for "illicit sexual activity in the workplace" and had to introduce them to my personal shoeshiner that works under my desk

a dumbbell dumbfell on my dumbfoot

Ive been losing my hearing for the past year that Ive been practicing guitar and I really think Im sounding much better

Kids these days are too soft. When I was my nephews age (8yo), I could pick my dad up and spin him like a pizza.

too many parents are like "dont do drugs, dont have sex, dont drink irresponsibly" bro they tryna turn us into fuckin losers

hey gang we need something bigger than an inch for the imperial metric system does anyone have any ideas that doesn't involve their fucking fetish? jeff: hear me out on this one

Mob boss: Hey go take care of that guy. Me: Ok I was under the impression that you hated him though, maybe just tell him how you really feel

im in your pockets, stealing your paperclips

im not a little guy anymore im big now trust

Whenever you get weaker, I grow stronger

i got no thoughts hi though

lol my local miniatures shop thinks im a huge dnd nerd but im just picking up a lot of d4s to use as caltrops

you wouldn't even be able to recognize if Scatman was having a stroke

sex with me is really gross, wanna see?

i taught my cat to get me cigarettes but the local stores all ask him for his id now.

if you dont get it im with u. i dont get anything cuz bad brane

yall going on about alt text but i want a picture with every text post cuz readings hard

Me: *shaking maracas wildly* Interviewer: I meant how do you handle stress at work? Me: *shakes maracas more wildly*

La Croix: Tap Water

“HEY! ARE YOU INVENTING NEW KINDS OF NOODLES IN THERE?” my father bellows as he bangs against the door. I want to hide my research but there isn’t time. Instead, my fingers grip the handle of the fire poker. Tonight we will learn who the future belongs to. We will learn who owns the family name.

Shampoo for my real friends and real poo for my sham friends.

If you're having trouble thinking of a Valentine's Day gift, just dump them.

can i have a little butler yet or is that just for the morbidly rich??

If I was a tree that could talk Id be a real prick to everyone

every time you go to the bathroom is an opportunity for a 3-pointer

the first rule of connecting my wifi is you gotta forget everything you know about english, itll only slow you down

moaning peacefully

bro im gonna get soo funny later trust

cant wait for them to invent a coffee thats not delicious

spreading misinformation on x so i can come on here and be honest. i pooped

i aint have anyone interact with my posts for a month can i get some haters or something

nice

potato potahto tomato tomahto however you say it i’m still gonna fuck it

i wont sleep with a man for 20$ but i might for a large pizza

didnt ask but i appreciate your interest and the time you invested in telling me that thing, stupid

a good sandwich can fix me

bro what is up with the power of bidets now, used one once and my ass has both a crack AND a hole in it

Side hustles aren’t enough, I need front hustles and back hustles too .

Hey I see you struggling and just want you to remember you can always do that somewhere more private