I didn't get signed off for mental health. Instead I burned out, had to leave work and never got a full time office job again

can this be a solution?

Even for them this is beyond embarrassing. I'm sorry you've never heard of Sugababes, Sophie Ellis-Bextor or Wolf Alice, you fucking weirdos

Happy Mario day!

can't believe just as I've got into Palm Royale, they've cancelled it. how rude

The 3 genders

my brother has just messaged me that my mum thinks the AI summary at the top of Google is from someone called Al, who runs a website called Al Overview

What the headline doesn't make clear is that he was following the speed limit, not just randomly driving at 20mph

So uh, Spider-Man’s boss at the newspaper, nowadays he’s probably saying “bring me PODCASTS of Spiderman!” I put the joke into an envelope, I send it off to Bill Maher, c/o every strip club in the greater Los Angeles area, I hope the simple message finds its way

"just fucking bursts out of there like the Kool-Aid man" is going to be lodged in my head for the remainder of my mittelschmerz years

when I was a teenager I worked on the phone for a catalogue company that was filled with weird contraptions like this. nothing you would ever see in shops, just pure gadget madness

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

just remembered when my brother and his partner were meeting my aunt, and my mum told her "she's a very tiny woman, with her hair in plaits and a tiny backpack - basically looks about 12". the partner saw someone who looked like that, but was like, wait, that's an actual child. it was my aunt.

hey "nice" backpack haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns around and reveals he is a netrunner from the arasaka corporation] oh fuck

Until the film "Fight Club" came out most people had never heard of the idea of two people getting into a fight

crying that some of the "no DMs" in bio people apparently think this is serious

ME: (typing on a computer) Here’s that report you were asking for! I’m around all day if you have any questions! Thanks! ME: (typing on my phone) Rivers Cum-o from the band Jeezer

my husband created a memoji of himself and he looks like brunette 1990s ellen degeneres

Oh sure, “you’re not supposed to drink WD40”. Then why does it come with a straw?

the camellia is once again at its prettiest

international worms day

im an international woman of mystery

What if god was one of us Just a slug like one of us Just a slime trail on the bus Trying to make his way home

my husband thinks benedict cumberbatch looks like a worm

The banter timeline demands that these tax exiles who fled the UK so they could do as many racisms as they goddamn want while being serviced by slaves, have to watch the wealth they accumulated from their various grifts get vapourised while being forced to pay the tax they tried to dodge

my mum has a lanyard - she works in a care home for minimum wage

new tag yourself just dropped

Noem has just been fired

OpenAI and…the United States Military…are teaming up to notify YOU that your son has been KILLED IN ACTION. Click here to speak with your son via AI one last time

thanking the universe that my mother hates social media and I never have to fear that she's in the Discover tab posting incoherently

If I shit on your dining table it’s not a distraction from me shitting in your bed. I also shat in your sock drawer.

just for a sniff has done me in

fog on the tyne is all mine all mine sounds like a guy that thinks he can fuck vapour

"The CIA conspired to make me less cool than I was when I was 25" is the most succinct Gen X manifesto I've ever heard

I don't want to sound like a dick but *penis noises*

oh my god this photo of ian miles tails cheong hanging out with his fellow paid to live in dubai social influencers i am DYING. smeagol glow up era.

Steam community: “Can we play as a male character?” Me (indie dev in this economy): “Best I can do is sentient tofu.”

i would post every meme in my phone on this app if it didn't hang at least 50 times a day

I love her so much

I'm inventing micro bops, tiny dance moves

The obvious follow up question: why did he sign off the letter in the first place then?

I genuinely love watching bluesky hit all the mastodon milestones

I was watching a tiktok about films that guys make women watch, like fight club, and realised that my husband has never done this. he hasn't even seen fight club (I have of my own volition)

When you have the chance, please take the time to watch Harrison Ford's remarkable, beautiful Life Achievement Award acceptance speech. #ActorAwards www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV_2...

Americans really need to make their mind up, what are we the bland spiceless nation with no seasonings, or are we the weird nation with a wall of unknowable spices that are strange of foreign?? Like, I get all of these aren’t super common, but surely everyone should have Zaatar and Sumac??

there's a bit of attitude on here about checking people's bios, but I think it actually saves a lot of grief, especially if you're about to do a snarky or shitty reply

the best laid plans of biker mice from mars and men

I want to bully both of these wet lads