*gets irrationally excited about the arrival of business cards*

Loving the text transcription of answerphone messages on my mobile. I'd say I do have questions yes. Unaware as I was of a vegan policy, it's highly probable I may not have adhered to that. Or if I'd like to have any of that Aspiration. Or what's God got to do (got to do) with it?

You can always tell when The Stranglers have been in to return their books.

Not many people know neurotypicality is stored in the foreskin

Parks and Rec now on Channel 4. That is all. www.channel4.com/programmes/p...

Every time I visit my nice neighbour she has a new set of rescue kittens smaller than the last. Next time I go I'll have to take my magnifying glass.

This is the problem with people who are used to being listened to. They think we should listen. The notion of “a period of quiet reflection” has alas gone the way of the concept of shame in public life.

I binge watched "Believe Me" on ITVx last night. Brilliant and an excellent example of why women don't report rape. The attitudes of police in this case are unforgivable and far from uncommon.

the hungry observatory

People ask me why I hate Starbucks. Well firstly their coffee is awful, and also the company is awful. Here's an example:

So what happens when Reform take over your local council? This. #KentCountyCouncil

It seems I am not only participating in no mow May, but thus far also no mow 2026. Big shout out to the scaffolder yesterday who congratulated me on looking after wildlife 😁😍

There are days when I miss being an editor. I loved writing headlines. Whoever did this, I hope they took the rest of the day off.

It was kind of Robert Jenrick to set me up for an obvious joke at his expense.

WHERE DO I VOTE

My coffeebus and I had a lovely day at West Hoathly Festival of Sport, a highlight was meeting Harry the dog who helped me clear up. It does say something about the value of the Arts in our country that I earned more selling coffee than the gig I was offered playing for a performance of Elijah...

Hello all my UK pals. The government has handed over our health data to Palantir, a pretty awful company. No consent. You can complain in under a minute if you like. Or ignore me! I just did it and it was pretty painless. Xxx newscord.org/action/nhs-p...

Anyone not calling it a wesignation is a coward

Tinkered with this for far too long last night adding tickers and stuff. I think it’s finished now. Will only update as more Reform councillors leave. refukked.lovable.app

Also worth remembering councillors don't get paid a salary. They get expenses or financial compensation which is in the low thousands. They'll have ungrateful people from all over the political spectrum moaning at them constantly for sod all. They're going to hate it.

Happy Bank Holiday! Here’s a tongue-in-cheek #parody song about #nigelfarage accepting a massive gift from a #crypto billionaire and then hiding from a #BBC interview - to the iconic tune #500miles of the legendary Proclaimers … We’re calling it: “Five Million Quid” 💰🤑💰🤑💰🎶 youtu.be/z5A0qpWUrfg?...

Today I discovered that the bullying and hate campaign started by my downstairs neighbours, encouraging other residents to shout abuse and insults at me in the street, lying to everyone including the council about me, is to try to drive me out so her mum can buy my flat. (info from nice neighbour)

I cannot overstate how completely insane this story is

As ridiculous as this is, I can't help feeling nauseous that a man awaiting trial for rape is given airtime because the presenter is a soulless prick who thought it would make good telly/clicks. Sod the victims.

Just now on "From Our Own Correspondent" R4: "escalating to a crescendo" AAAARGHH NO!!! The crescendo is the escalation!! It can't just be musicians that find this painful surely?!

Tonight I saw Voces8 in concert who were AMAZING 😍 I only knew about the concert because back in Feb my train was delayed meaning I and others missed our connection. I got talking to one of the others, a lovely man whose son works in the music biz.

what reporting of the Mandelson story sounds like to me: when did and how the foreign office and Olly Robbins who his appointment he who and then why vetting and ticking the box and sacking nevertheless the ‘agrément’ because number 10, with concerns and UKS paperwork who the why and #bbcwato

This is excellent

I love the fact that my friend writes the date of my birthday on his card and present to me. Presumably he thinks I'm too old now to remember which day it is. 😊

...and encourage me to return to that coma.

A gentle reminder to always, always read the alt text

When your neighbour calls you to tell you she has something cute to show you and doesn't adequately prepare you for quite the insane level of cuteness involved.

I didn’t know this, did you? Amazing!

As I approach late middle-age I find myself thinking more about the nature of forgiveness, and how much more positive it would be if, rather than endlessly persecuting his enemies for perceived slights, Trump were simply to explode on the toilet in a nappy.

The time it takes to write a joke, from conception to birth, is the jestation period.

The "Stop The Boats" brigade ought to listen to this. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

London theatregoers: any recommendations for something brilliant that I might stand a chance at getting tickets for next week?

Before Mel B and Mel C, there was a Mel A in the Spice Girls, but she got fired for constantly starting brawls.

At a time such as this I could not be more pleased to welcome Ian Fletcher back onto my tellybox. #Yesnobrilliant.

My sister's dogs like to be tucked in at night. Stay safe and tucked in everyone. #AnAttemptAtATimelineCleanse

Went to visit my boy in Bristol for Easter. Caught sight of Banksy's Girl with a Fire Alarm Earring.

I've upset myself at how much I laughed at this.

I got paid for a gig by cheque the other day. It was like a lovely token of nostalgia. I bet there were some young-uns in the orchestra thinking "what the hell is this tomfoolery?"

This has been great fun. Really laughing. When I do the new PB edition of Be Funny Or Die, the biggest change is going to be removing references to how “we all tell jokes on social media”, because we don’t anymore. Not in the same way. That was a little human social blip. It seems so sweet now.

Not sure many people will feel comfortable asking for a dose of Herp-eeze tbqhwy

We go directly to live coverage of the special relationship

Springtime my arse. Just walked home at 6pm through the crisp cold mist and tbh it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Just one of the reasons this song popped into my head. youtu.be/OLHxxBTl71I?...

Charles Dickens would contradict himself at the best of times.

I'm off to buy a car this afternoon, and all morning I've been wondering which male friend I could ask to come along to make it less likely I'll be ripped off, and I bloody hate that that is still a thing in this day.

Well done, Gorton & Denton. It’s bloody lovely to see hope giving hate a kicking.