I mean he could have just melted some sugar on his tongue, but I guess surgery is another way to go.

You’re thinking of accumulator. It’s actually a musical instrument with folding bellows that cause free metal reeds to vibrate, the notes being determined by pressing on studs or a keyboard.

Scooby Doo’s favourite pantomime.

Humanity Series Finale - the story so far

kids want to go and see the new wicked film. does anyone know which streamer has the most seasons of oz, I don’t want them to be confused

Remember it’s bad luck to burn the xmas tree indoors.

Thanks, no, I couldn’t eat another box.

It's also the birthday of actor Bruce Boxingday, star of sci-fi classics Bethlehem 5 and Tronning Home For Christmas.

Boxing Day is when we remember Helen Boxingday being in Friends and Ross calling her the wrong name.

Even on xmas day, still a rogue state.

Santa's been! He's had the sherry and mince pies! And he's eaten the pizza from the fridge, drunk a bottle of my Scotch and stolen my trousers. And I hope he'll find time to apologise to my neighbours for parking my car on their lawn as I'm too hungover for some reason.

“I am considerably, *considerably*, holier than thou.”

Due to an administrative error I have been visited by three goats.

It’s my Christmas day today, but I don’t want any fuss.

So, this is Christmas.

A cheap time-saving alternative to wrapping presents individually is to simply wrap the recipient’s head.

Make your neighbours think you got them a gift by taping shreds of wrapping paper to their cards and leaving them on the doorstep.

If you can’t find a card that will suit someone, simply give them a gift token that can only be used at a card shop.

If you receive an amusing Christmas card, show your appreciation by reminding the sender of it and laughing every time you see them. Text them the joke four or five times a month. Then give them an identical card the following Christmas.

In January, retrieve the card you gave your neighbour from their bin. In March, go round to their house and ask them why the card you gave them with the lovely Robin on isn’t on display. In December, put the same food-stained card back through their door.

Special xmas episode of Don’ll Fix It

Tonight Donald Trump will be visited by the 413th ghost, so fingers crossed.

He isn't "losing" this money. This is called "paying tax like a responsible citizen and not hiding your money offshore" and we need to start recognising and applauding it.

I mean yeah it’s an authoritarian takeover but can we take some comfort in the fact that the people doing it are INSANELY stupid?

Remember when every leader wanted their picture taken with Greta? She is still that truth teller, they just can't face the truth of their crimes.

Taking his titles won’t be enough, he must be stripped of his initials

The shares I bought in the Larry David fainting gif have been skyrocketing lately for some reason

Goodness me, it’s like someone rewrote The Twelve Days of Christmas with sex pests www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Oh, you can prove anything with evidence

Mosh pit crammed supermarket, puncture, home on space-saver tyre, thousand yard stare. It’s beginning to look a lot like xmas.

The Telegraph is the last place I'd trust to tackle misinformation. Via Private Eye

Trump Class is an oxymoron.

We’re onto the lebensraum phase now. You need to deal with this guy before another country has to, America.

There’s only a vague risk of fire from the gold effect lumps of polystyrene he’s going to want stuck to every surface

Your power bill has tripled and you can't afford new PC parts just to create this.

Girls who are bass who like boys to have gills Who do boys with their gills, who do girls like they're bass Always should be someone you really love #RussellToveyFuckeAFysh #WarBetween

i've been thinking recently about why i have a reflexive dislike of the 'comedy needs balance' line, and i think it's because political comedy is the act of saying "hey, you're not mad, the world really does look like THIS", and that doesn't need "balancing" because *the rest of society* does that

I'm going to crack an egg in my bath tonight as a tribute.

A second Mars-sized object was spotted on the grassy knoll

Girls who are bass who like boys to have gills Who do boys with their gills, who do girls like they're bass Always should be someone you really love #RussellToveyFuckeAFysh #WarBetween

Ohhhh, I see https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2020/01/27/nicki-minaj-brother-25-years-life-raping-11-year-old/4592043002/

What, again?