Oh dear, it seems that privately-educated ex-city trader Nigel Farage, who spends his entire life pontificating on national media and consorting with elitist tycoons, is once again being persecuted by... *checks notes* ... the establishment.

Every time a deranged libertarian dipshit invokes the name of George Orwell in defence of their freedom to behave like a selfish prick, Orwell’s ghost gets his foreskin trapped in his zipper.

[any situation] Me: I mustn’t overthink this. My brain: Ok, but define "overthink"

Can’t help thinking the Supreme Court of the United States would be improved by having an actual Supreme on it. Diana Ross wouldn’t put up with their shit.

Dear Canadians, happy Canada Day. By the way, we appear to have all your geese. Please feel free to collect them as soon as you like. And bring several million bags for all the poop. Thanks.

Attention writers, producers, etc. Want to adapt something? Of course you do; adaptations are hot. My one-day workshop HOW TO ADAPT ANYTHING is on 17th July in central London. Get the keys to adapting work from ANY medium to ANY other. Limited places. www.euroscript.co.uk/how-to-adapt...

MY TOP 3 WRITING TIPS: 1. Create a sense of anticipation in your writing by not doing any yet. 2. When in doubt, begin with a sex scene. Then do some writing. 3. Find a large, quiet space with natural light and a nice view. Sell it. Forget about writing and go into the property market.

This ain't my first rodeo. My first rodeo suffered from poor research about being a rodeo clown. I now know that juggling skills don’t cut it, or ventriloquism. But this time I'm prepared. I've got carrots for the horsey, and I’m wearing a hat with horns to vibe with the bulls. What could go wrong.

Wow, what are these weird things on my feet? Like, adorable little pouches that totally conceal the toes and everything else up to the ankle? Wait, it's coming back to me. They're called socks. I put them on this morning in response to the unaccustomed absence of scorching heat. Hello, socks.

Disappointing speech from Andy Burnham. Nothing about robot butlers or free jetpacks, and no clear policy position on owls.

In six days god created heaven and earth and on the seventh day while he rested his cat walked over the keyboard, long story short, here we are.

The founder of the Flat Earth Society has died. His ashes will be tipped over the edge.

If you miss the Glastonbury vibe this year, simply stand in field while suffering from a hangover and dysentery and pay some people to obscure your view with huge flags while a drunk guy with a drunk girl on his shoulders lurches around in front of you and you wonder whether to risk going for a poo.

I've decided against buying JD Vance's new memoir for the same reason that I’d prefer not to read a postcard from someone who burgled my house to pay for their holiday and left a turd on the bed.

Even though we’re only a few days past the Summer solstice it’s noticeable that already the ceasefires are getting shorter.

Cozy crime is big business. My cozy crime mystery is set in a home for sprightly elderly folk, although there’s a sci-fi element and the mystery involves a little light cannibalism. Anyway, the title is Jack the Ripper and the Geriatric Skullfucking Zombies from Mars.

I think one of my favourite paintings is the one where Captain Oates has just been kicked in the balls by a penguin.

Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it. They’re also the best people to borrow money from.

Attention writers and also normal people. I'm running my one-day workshop HOW TO ADAPT ANYTHING on 17th July in central London. Adaptations are more popular than ever. Learn the craft. Limited places. BOOK NOW. www.euroscript.co.uk/how-to-adapt...

Even though we’re only a few days past the Summer solstice it’s noticeable that already the ceasefires are getting shorter.

It’s important not to demonise people we disagree with. Unless they identify as a demon, in which case please respect their choice.

King Charles has released limited details of his finances, but how transparent should the royal family be? a) opaque. b) fuzzy around the edges. c) periodically see-through depending on weather conditions. d) totally spectral, manifest only as clanking and groaning in a ruined castle at night.

Attention writers and also normal people. I'm running my one-day workshop HOW TO ADAPT ANYTHING on 17th July in central London. Adaptations are more popular than ever. Learn the craft. Limited places. BOOK NOW. www.euroscript.co.uk/how-to-adapt...

Water makes up more than 70% of the human body. And yet, even on the hottest day, we are still constrained by the absurd British social taboo against licking a stranger at a bus stop. Hoping to be out on bail soon.

HEATWAVE ALERT: If you leave children in your car on a very hot day please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a cigarette.

There's always been hot weather! When I was a kid we played outside all summer and we regularly caught fire. Schools never closed! They were open all day and night. A little heat never hurt anyone, except the elderly, the vulnerable, the young and the middle aged. Enjoy!

Not saying it's hot on the London Underground today, but I've just seen Virgil leading Dante down the steps at Baker Street tube station. They'll be taking the Circle Line.

Don’t forget to check under the bed for monsters before you go to sleep, and make sure they’re properly hydrated.

Don't want to worry anyone but the ice cream van that just drove past was playing the theme music from The Towering Inferno.

Ten years since the Brexit vote. Of all the things that could have gone wrong since then, all of them have.

No no let's hear it out it's worth considering

Shocking evidence emerges that Andy Burnham once picked his nose. How will these revelations about his lifestyle when he was five years old impact the markets? Read the verdict from our analysts as they drive themselves slowly insane in an effort to feed a continuous news cycle.

In extreme temperatures please only make journeys that are absolutely necessary like yours, and not those being made by all those other idiots.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation. Can anybody on board fly a plane? Please stop screaming.

Dear childless young men, happy future Father's Day. Yours hopefully, from your sperm. Seriously, stop watching those videos. Don't let us die in a sock.

Yes, it's the longest day of the year but luckily it's also the narrowest day, so don’t worry about the risk of awkward gaps in the space time continuum. It’s taken care of.

It can be exciting to receive a Valentine's Day card and not be sure who it's from. A Father's Day card, not so much.

Iran should paint the Strait of Hormuz blue and rename it The Reflecting Strait.

On Father’s Day Eve don’t forget to leave out a slipper, sock or stocking so your father can ask what it’s doing on the floor and why this place is always such a mess.

HITCHHIKER: Wow, thanks for stopping! DRIVER OF VERY SMALL CAR: No problem, I always stop for clowns. HITCHHIKER: But I’m not a clown. *thirty clowns tumble out of back of car, grab him & drag him inside* CLOWNS: You are now, pal.

Of all the dumb things that Trump has done recently, starting a war against Iran without knowing how to win it isn't actually the dumbest. His gravest error has been his failure to understand the fundamental truth that you should never, ever, piss off a powerful Italian woman.

My novel Stone Heart Deep is the perfect Father's Day gift, if your father likes being unsettled by a chilling psychological thriller set on a remote Scottish island where strange things are happening. And what kind of father doesn't? Audio book also available. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785...

There's still time for everyone to post a Father's Day card to Boris Johnson with the message: "Hi Dad! I've only just found out. So excited. You'll be hearing from my lawyers soon."

I wish I had the kind of wealth, power, privilege, influence, and extensive media platform you need these days to become an enemy of the establishment elite.

Such a relief that Ladies Day at Ascot passed without incident and none of the ladies fell over in their high heels and had to be humanely destroyed.

As a society we're becoming increasingly polarised and abusively intolerant of others' opinions. Only a fucking idiot with toxic politics would disagree with that.

Instructions for REFORM UK voters: 1. Write ‘X’ for the candidates you don’t like. It sends a clear message that you want them cancelled. 2. Leave the REFORM box empty so it's nice and WHITE. 3. Don’t eat the pencil. Oh, alright, if you insist.

"War is Over." - John & Yoko. "War is over or maybe not, we'll give it sixty days, many people are saying they'll be the best sixty days ever seen, no other president could do this, it's fake news to say I lost the war, I have a wonderful ballroom by the way." - Donald Trump.

I was digging around on wikipedia today and happened to come across this very good painting of Fancy Men Bamboozled By Egg