In the original ancient Greek Olympics, many of the athletes were naked. Which could make the four-man bobsleigh event in Cortina more fun. Ice hockey, not so much.

Your reminder that Saint Valentine was an early Christian martyr who was smothered to death in cellophane for selling overpriced flowers, chocolates, and greeting cards.

Thinking about running amok, but I’m not confident about my fitness levels so I’ll get in shape by training to run a half mok.

You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day to make a heartfelt declaration of love to someone. You can wait for as long as you want.

Remember to post your Valentines cards in plenty of time. I’ve just sent one to myself, but I’ve cunningly disguised my handwriting so I won’t know who it’s from.

For the benefit of UK audiences, 'Super Bowl' is an American TV show made of commercials and a spectacular music gig interrupted by brief, choreographed collisions between wealthy men in protective costumes, performed for the purpose of enriching a handful of even wealthier men.

It’s Charles Dickens’ birthday, and he would be flabbergasted to see how civilisation as he thought of it is being gleefully dismantled by venal hypocrites, sinister buffoons and raving narcissistic autocrats whom he would have rejected as villains too grotesque even for his novels.

Who is the rogue staffer responsible for the offensive meme that appeared on Trump's social media? The suspect probably has a history of posting deranged content in the middle of the night, somehow has access to Trump's account, and is a massive racist piece of shit. The mystery continues.

(WH viewing of alternative Super Bowl halftime show). Trump: Kid Rock is cool! Miller: and white. Bondi: dig the beat! Hegseth: raawknroll! *throws up* Noem: so exciting! RFK Jr: go ahead, lick the TV screen. It's healthy. Rubio: *enters with skateboard* How do you do, fellow kids. Trump: *sharts*

A National Prayer Breakfast is a grotesque idea. It violates a fundamental constitutional principle of any civilised democracy, which is the separation of Church and Breakfast.

I hope Bezos sells the Washington Post. Someone could buy it and turn it into a newspaper.

Happy birthday William S. Burroughs, born today in 1914, died in 1997 - but still causing good, creepy trouble in my novel "Dead Writers in Rehab," where he's enjoying reefer with Gertrude Stein in a corner, and trying to avoid Hemingway and Coleridge. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785...

We all make mistakes. What’s important is having the courage to deny any responsibility, blame someone else, and move on.

After much reflection I have decided to flee the death star. Serving the Galactic Empire remains an incredible privilege, and I will continue to support the dark side and the causes I believe in. Contact my agent with cash offers. No time wasters. Yours, Peter.

Noam Chomsky? smh. There are no words. Only grammar.

Let this be a lesson for all of us. *gestures vaguely at everything, everywhere*

What a scandal. They’ve cast an American actor to play the wizard Dumbledore. Surely they could have found a genuine wizard. Disgraceful.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Resigning in disgrace is like checking into rehab; some people, like Peter Mandelson, always relapse, unfortunately, no matter how many times they do it.

When one door closes, lock it securely, along with all your other doors and windows, before any inspirational quotes get in.

if the groundhog pops its head out and doesn't get tear-gassed, the United States gets six more weeks of democracy

Then they came for the therapists. [long silence] And how did that make them feel?

Epstein emerges as a kind of Chauncey Gardiner figure: low intellect, zero charisma, no leadership skills; his only gift an uncanny ability to tell entitled elites what they want to hear, and convince them they fully deserve their privilege.

Who could have predicted that people who’ll do anything in the pursuit of wealth and power, and consider themselves above the law, and despise the moral constraints they tell the rest of us to follow, would turn out to disgusting, sexually deviant creeps.

Worried by scaremongering disinformation about 15-minute cities? Wait till you hear about the 24-hour profits made by rapacious corporate interests that are pricing you out of your own neighbourhoods and turning them into soulless profit-machines at the expense of your health and humanity.

Ok listen up. February is a short month, and things are volatile. We have a lot to post in a limited time so keep it short. No long threads. Go big or go home. Be bold, deranged if necessary. No whimsy. Shun nuance. If in doubt, post a corny gif and move on. *starts stopwatch* GO!

"Apart from the emails, the convivial evenings together, and my repeated pleas to be invited to his island, I have no recollection of the man we jokingly called, "Our friend Jeffrey, the pedophile sex trafficker," and don't recall ever meeting him." - perspiring men, everywhere.

I am well, but your email has not found me. Your email will never find me. Your emails are no match for my cunning. Ha ha, oh yes, I am well.

Having a challenging day. I'm finally doing Dry January.

Brexit is officially six years old today. Like many six-year-olds, it’s selfish, irrational, destructive and incapable of clearing up the mess it’s made.

Ok let's all agree January was a practice month and doesn't count.

If you're angry because Springsteen used to be really good, and the music was great, but his new song about Minneapolis is crude virtue signalling, and you wonder why he's changed, the answer is he hasn't. You have. Springsteen still has fire in his belly; you’re an ageing reactionary.

There is no subject under the sun so fascinating, intricate or challenging that it can’t be made just a bit more boring by wankers with a podcast.

Everything is terrible. It’s the perfect time to write comedy. Join my three-hour ONLINE workshop “How to Succeed as a Comedy Writer” on Saturday 14th February, 10am to 1pm. Book now, while comedy is still funny! www.euroscript.co.uk/2026-how-to-...

If there's one group of people who've been noticeably silent amid every crisis we're currently undergoing, it's the scapegoat community. Surely it's time they stepped up and took the blame for everything that's going wrong.

I'm concerned about the environmental impact of driverless taxis. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. Luckily, I've already got one, hibernating in my shed.

Ok I’ve finally got all my ducks in a row. Now we begin the intensive rehearsals for our production of Riverdance.

Instead of trying to ban kids from using social media, governments should force tech companies to employ teenagers in top positions. Most fifteen year olds are more mature than the irresponsible tech-bro manbabies currently running the platforms.

People who tell you to get all your ducks in a row have clearly never worked with ducks.

It’s payback time. Ducks are on their way to your house, with their families, to throw unsuitable food at you and imitate the way you talk.

COUNT DOWN: Action movie in which Gerard Butler and Jason Statham embark on a high-octane mission to assassinate Dracula in his highly-fortified Transylvanian Castle.

It’s striking that anti-ICE protesters are diverse, original, inventive, humorous, surprising and resourceful in the myriad ways they care for and protect each other and their communities, while every ICE agent is the same angry, ignorant, predictably violent thug. Fascists are so boring.

Don’t allow your day to slip away aimlessly. Get organised, and waste time according to a strict schedule.

Supporters of Suella Braverman claim that her enemies are trying to discredit her by drawing attention to trivial errors like failing to obey the ministerial code, breaking International law, attempting to destroy democracy by criminalising protest, being a raving fasci- (1/100)

Suella Braverman is a one-nation Conservative. That nation is 1930s Germany.

The documentary "Melania," about the US First Lady, premieres on 30th January. Checking my diary, I find that unfortunately I'll be unable to enjoy this fascinating masterpiece, as I have a prior engagement to pour bleach in my eyes and smash my testicles with a hammer.

It’s traditional to play the bagpipes at a Burns Night supper. But only if you’ve been invited, it turns out, and you know how to play them. The kilt was probably a mistake, too, as was the performance of “the last turkey in the shop” as an icebreaker.

Appearances can be deceptive. Can you make a judgement based solely on eyewitness testimony, video evidence, and what you saw with your own eyes while dismissing the barefaced falsehoods of a corrupt administration with an unbroken track record of shameless deceit? Tough call.

Everything is terrible. It’s the perfect time to write comedy. Join my three-hour ONLINE workshop “How to Succeed as a Comedy Writer” on Saturday 14th February, 10am to 1pm. Book now, while comedy is still funny! www.euroscript.co.uk/2026-how-to-...