April fool. You’re the only one here. The rest of us are all A.I.

TRUMP: Go get your own oil. WORLD: We're on our way! *Columbo style pause in doorway* WORLD: Just one more thing… TRUMP: Yes? WORLD: Release the Epstein Files.

Disgusted that the King and Queen are going ahead with a state visit to the US in April. I'll never vote for them again.

You didn't lose an hour when the clocks went forward. The hour is stored securely in a giant hourglass by qualified timelords and will be returned to you later this year. NB: the hour that is returned to you will contain advertising unless you subscribe to the premium service.

Don’t let the usual silly arguments over chocolate eggs devalue the real story of Easter, about a religious activist being tortured to death and becoming the focus of a mystical cult around which an exploitative priesthood created a rich and powerful global institution.

Maybe I turned my clocks forward too far. Woke up in a desert and got captured by talking apes. Wait, is that the Statue of Liberty? God damn you all to hell!

What do we want? An end to turning clocks backwards and forwards! When do we want it? ….. ….. Hold on, sorry, we haven't thought this through.

The idea of No Kings is all very well, but some people depend on kings. What about the rascally tailors who sell the king a suit of clothes so fine it can only be seen by the smartest people, and the small boys who point out that the king is naked? Will no one think of them?

Tonight remember to turn your clocks sideways to British Surreal Time.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Very distressed to learn that Iran-backed hackers have breached FBI director Kash Patel's personal emails. Imagine having to read that stuff. Thoughts and prayers to the hackers.

Watch out, Iran. We’re sending a Royal Navy boat to the Middle East. If you’re not careful, we’ll send the other one as well.

Writer: I have an idea. Producer: Based on what? Writer: it’s original. Producer: Like, an original new take? Writer: No, a new idea. Producer: About what? A superhero? A franchise? A toy? Who owns the IP? Writer: me, I thought of it. Producer: Writer: Producer: Guards, seize him.

Are social media apps addictive? No. If people overindulge, they can simply log off, and I’ve been making that case for years on X, this platform, Threads, Instagram and YouTube, and yet some people still aren’t convinced, and I have to spend all my time in online arguments with them every day. SMH.

What was the present that Trump got from Iran? He’s gone quiet. Maybe he opened it and was disappointed because he hoped it was a train set but it turned out to be a book and he needs someone read it to him.

Atheists like to pretend they're pretty smart, but you’ll notice that god never chooses an atheist for a really important job like Archbishop of Canterbury. Makes you think.

It makes sense that Trump compares himself to Elvis. When Elvis died he was on the toilet, bloated, incoherent, blitzed on prescription drugs. For most people, a tragedy; for Trump, an aspirational role model.

A fun thing to do on a grey Tuesday in March when everything good in the world is being destroyed by bloodthirsty clowns and greed crazed sociopaths is to leave work early and go to bed for a couple of years.

Trump is bored with Iran now. Expect an imminent announcement that Cuba is hours away from developing a fully functional invisible intergalactic death ray machine, and must be obliterated immediately.

The first UK lockdown began six years ago, and we all started stockpiling toilet paper, yeast and pasta. Those were some of the worst meals I've ever eaten.

What do we want? Passive-aggressive behaviour. When do we want it? Never mind, you're clearly very busy.

You have to feel ashamed for humanity when Donald Trump responds to the death of Robert Mueller with all the good grace and maturity of an enraged toddler on a sugar rush being carried bodily by their embarrassed mother out of a birthday party where they've disgraced themselves.

This ain’t my first rodeo. This time I’ve decided not to wear my bowler hat and I’ve brought some carrots for the angry cows. No multiple fractures for me this time. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

On World Poetry Day, please spare a thought for all the abandoned and unfinished poems. They wander lonely as a... whatever.

Trump: I am now winding down my operations to shit the bed. The bed is no longer a threat. Now my neighbours must come and clean it up. I shat the bed on their behalf, without even being asked, and now they must step up. Thank you for your at- oops, more shit on the way, stand by.

International Day of Happiness ends at midnight. If you haven't finished feeling happy by then, you have to save any leftover happiness until next year.

As a fun Comic Relief stunt to benefit sick and underprivileged kids maybe billionaires could pay their fucking taxes.

Donald Trump is to international diplomacy what Stevie Wonder is to air traffic control.

Today is International Day of Happiness. Be strong, we'll get through it somehow.

It’ll feel weirdly predictable when it turns out that the only way for Trump to defeat Iran is to invade Cuba.

This feels like a critical moment for our collective future. If you happen to be a Hobbit in possession of a mysterious old ring, please make your way to the nearest volcano immediately and deposit the ring therein without hesitation.

Sir, I bought twenty so-called Easter eggs from so-called English shops and none of the packaging mentioned crucifixion. I ate all of them for breakfast and NO transubstantiation occurred. How can we call ourselves a Christian country? It makes me sick. Literally. I’ve just vomited copiously.

Two’s company. Three’s a crowd. Four is the bare minimum if you need to coax a walrus off a trampoline.

Much of Britain is enjoying warm sunshine today, but I'm predicting that it won't last. It will be dark again by midnight, mark my words.

If your middle-class marriage is in difficulty and you can afford to attend couples counselling, don't. Spend the money on buying separate dishwashers, which solves the problem in many cases.

My favourite part of St Patrick’s Day is that special moment, late at night, when a leprechaun under the sofa tells you to go to bed because you’re hallucinating.

Happy St Patrick's Day. Tonight, many people who have no Irish ancestry will keep drinking until they discover that they are in fact totally Irish.

I’m old enough to remember when "You won’t believe what happens next!" was clickbait, not Trump's foreign policy.

If you’re not Irish you can still celebrate St Patrick’s Day in the comfort of your own home by not having any snakes or potatoes and pretending to like Guinness.

It's unreasonable to despise wealthy people like Richard Tice for using perfectly legal schemes to avoid paying tax. There are plenty of other reasons to despise him.

SPRING CLEANING TIP. I just cleaned my entire kitchen in one minute. Here's how I do it: 1. Enter kitchen. 2. Take off glasses. 3. Peer around. 4. "Looks clean to me." 5. Leave kitchen. (also works on bathrooms, children, etc.)

Remember, if the films you liked won, the Oscars are an inspiring celebration of creativity, imagination, talent, and collaborative craft. If the films you liked didn't win, the Oscars are clearly a vapid orgy of narcissism embodying the cynical commodification of art.

What I shall be wearing for the Oscars: pyjamas and the expression of a person in deep, tranquil sleep.

Forgot Mother’s Day? No flowers or card? An all night garage could be your salvation. When you get there, fill your tank and keep driving. Flee. Make your way to a distant land and begin a new life under a different name. Pray to live out your days in miserable obscurity.

If you do only one thing today, that’s already too many. All of humanity’s problems are caused by people doing things. Do less.

If Caesar didn't want to be stabbed, she shouldn't have held controversial opinions and been walking alone through the Senate in a provocative toga. What? Julius? Oh, I thought you said Julia. No, Caesar was a brave, principled man who died fighting traitors. As you were.

MOTHER’S DAY IN AMERICA: Omg I love you Mom you are the best mom in the universe I am supremely grateful for your beautiful, awesome, precious soul. *hands over actual unicorn that farts diamonds* MOTHER’S DAY IN UK: Hi. Here’s a card from the petrol station. What’s for tea?

There has never been a better time to turn pale, rise abruptly from the dinner table, stare around wildly as if assailed by some eldritch vision of creeping horror, stride swiftly from the room without a backward glance, and vanish from the face of the earth.

Never say Trump isn't generous. Having singlehandedly won a war, he's now inviting several other countries to come and help him win it again! Amazing.

Happy birthday to Albert Einstein, who revolutionised physics by disproving the theory of gravity with his hair.