I listened to the two minute silence on BBC Radio 4 for Remembrance Sunday and I'm pretty sure they simply broadcast a repeat of the same silence they used last year. Disgraceful.

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Wearing a poppy commemorates the sacrifice of those who died for our freedoms, including the freedom not to wear a poppy.

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While your kids are asleep, remove their hamster from its cage, bend a gap in the bars, and hang a tiny rope ladder down.

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At midnight, order a pizza to the address of a cemetery. Stand at the gate dressed in muddy old clothes. When the pizza arrives, try to pay with a ten shilling note.

Trump is running low on people to pardon. Republicans must do their duty and commit more crimes for him.

Looking for something to cheer you up this winter? Good luck with that. Meanwhile, read my chilling psychological thriller, Stone Heart Deep, and give yourself a scare. “As if Iain Banks rewrote the Wicker Man,” according to one review. Audiobook also available. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785...

Here's a thought experiment: if you could become the richest person who ever lived, but the price would be that you have no friends, nobody to love, no sense of humour, no human feelings a- no, wait, sorry it's not a thought experiment, it's actually been done by Elon Musk.

People who wear those bike helmets with a little camera on top of them can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them.

Q: How many leaders of developed nations at COP30 does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None of them has the slightest intention of changing a single fucking thing.

I hate Guy Fawkes Boxing Day, when we have to eat up all the unexploded fireworks. Bangers for lunch with rocket salad.

House opposite is getting their roof retiled. Lads just walking about up there, cool as a breeze, like it was nothing. I could never do that because I have a terrible fear of work.

LIBERALS: oh dear what can we do to defeat rightwing extremism and fascism? THE LEFT: socialism. LIBERALS: whoa, let’s not get carried away here, but we’ll give your suggestion careful consideration, keep your details on file, and get back to you when it’s too late.

Sometimes I miss the old classic black & white silent fireworks.

Neighbours having a bonfire? Wrap some chicken bones in a doll’s outfit. Hide them in the ashes. Tomorrow, tell their kids a fairy must have fallen in.

Once again I have been cruelly overlooked by People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive poll. Nonetheless, I'm probably sexier than most men who aren't alive, especially once they begin to decompose. Unless you're into that type of thing. Hey, I'm not judging you.

The election of Zohran Mamdani, a Democratic Socialist, as mayor of New York raises a big question for Labour's front bench. They're all asking each other what a "socialist" is.

If I had the misfortune to lose my sight, and I was given a guide dog, I'd train the dog so that when I sat next to someone on the bus the dog would act like it was surreptitiously trying to read their newspaper.

On this day 420 years ago, Guy Fawkes was sitting in a pub, thinking: "And the best part is, nobody suspects a thing!"

If you can’t think of anything good to say about a politician who has recently passed away, just say nothing, and express your feelings through the medium of nude interpretive dance.

VP Cheney will be honoured with a 21 gun salute accidentally aimed directly at 21 of his friends

It’s disgraceful that there are no-go areas in modern Britain, and that they’re the private estates of wealthy landowners.

Don’t let the mindless commercialisation of Guy Fawkes Night obscure its deeper message about celebrating the torture and execution of a seventeenth century religious extremist.

It's National Sandwich Day. As it happens, my pet peeve is sandwiches not being buttered to the edges of the bread. That, and the howling existential void that makes a cruel mockery of all our hopes and dreams. But mostly the sandwiches.

Ha ha in the UK we turned our clocks back last weekend but the Americans only just got around to it! And they pronounce "tomato" as "elevator" and their word for "trousers" is "sidewalk"! It's like we're two totally different countries. And their president is a fascist.

There is a gaping hole in the British royal family. I admit that's not a very nice way to refer to Andrew, but I call it as I see it.

It’s that awkward three day period between Halloween and Christmas.

Royal family shakeup: Harry gets the US olive oil business. Charles to control gambling, drugs, smiling and waving. Edward takes over his Duchy overpriced jam racket. Anne runs the docks. Andrew will live in a remote Italian village until the heat dies down. Luca Brasi still sleeps with the fishes.

Rules for wearing a remembrance poppy: 1. If you don’t want to wear a poppy, you don’t need to say anything about it. 2. If you do want to wear a poppy, you also don’t need to say anything about it, because that’s what the poppy is doing.

i hate that AI has now caused me to question the authenticity of cute animal videos online, which is my primary use of social media. i don't even know if this baby penguin actually wore a beret to go buy a tiny baguette in paris

That’s weird. I woke up wearing a realistic "Wrinkled Old Curmudgeon" Halloween mask that I don’t remember putting on and I can’t seem to get it off.

When all the Halloween fun is over, please remember that zombies, vampires and ghouls don’t really exist. Whoever is hiding under your bed is probably just a regular human serial killer.

If your house is haunted by the ghost of an atheist, exorcism doesn't work. You have to call an embittered humanist to come and use sarcasm on it.

There's nothing spookier at Halloween than to sit around the fire with a group of good friends and tell each other ghost stories. Especially when you remember you haven't got a fire, or any friends.

Who's this at my door? Hey kids! Wow, scary outfits! You know what else is scary? Tooth decay! But don't worry, these treats are made of kale and quinoa! Here, take a pamphlet on dental hygiene with graphic pictures of gum disease and infected molars. Ok, now please stop crying.

Want something scary for Halloween? Try my chilling psychological thriller. It's set in a remote Scottish island where a terrible secret lurks within a small community. (For extra chills, listen to the audiobook and hear my terrifying Scottish accents.) www.amazon.co.uk/Stone-Heart-...

Today our thoughts must surely be with Andrew, stripped of his royal titles and kicked out of his mansion. And those thoughts are: 1. Ha. 2. Ha. 3. Ha.

Imagine waking up in bed with a skeleton. That would be scary. But not as scary as waking up in bed without a skeleton.

Hi Lisa Nandy! I’m a BAFTA winner from a small town. Instead of asinine questions like this, why not tell us how we can continue to make a living in the eviscerated creative sector over which you notionally preside?

Please don’t allow the cynical commercialisation of Halloween to defile its original meaning and its profound spiritual message about zombies eating people’s brains.

The “hard men of Gondor” were whiny, belligerent posers. The hobbits were peace-loving communitarians who liked music, drinking and dancing, but they were also brave and resourceful, and when shit happened they got the job done. As usual, you’ve picked the wrong side, my dude.

On Halloween, unsettle the trick-or-treat kids at your door by congratulating one of them on their highly realistic ghost outfit, while talking to an empty space behind the others.

A human face can be hideous, but nothing is as scary as facelessness. It’s the same with pumpkins. That’s why I’m displaying a totally intact pumpkin in my window to terrify the kids. No, you’re lazy.

Trying to decide who to be for Halloween. It’s either "Grumpy Old Man Sitting in the Dark and Pretending to be out" or "Same Man After a Few Drinks Yelling That Trick or Treat is an American Invention and this is All Hallows’ Eve, Don’t They Teach You Kids Anything at School."

People seem to have different ideas about what a ceasefire means. For example, Gaza is currently suffering one of the most lethal ceasefires that Israel has yet inflicted.

Right to Roam campaigners call for access to all England’s rivers Our local groups are organising 9 river trespasses in November to highlight how inadequate & unworkable the government’s pledge of a mere 9 river walks is: www.standard.co.uk/news/politic...

If you don’t care about what A.I. will do to humanity, at least consider its impact on animals, particularly all those monkeys with typewriters who were meant to be producing the works of Shakespeare, and will now be out of work. Maybe YOU can offer them jobs, you callous brute.

For Halloween I'm going to be that friend of yours who keeps asking what you think of their unpublished debut novel, and what you liked most about it.