Went to get my Itsu lunch and forgot to refresh my Vitality app for 25% off Sad

Going out with some school dad's tonight for tough guy pints

All I want is a Kirsh from Alien Earth spin off series where he just acts cool as ice and owning people with his smarts for an hour

How does anyone listen to this melting ham gargoyle and think 'yes, this makes SENSE!' The fucking clown show has no idea what the hell he is rambling about. He just vomits up Scrabble tiles and sees how they land

🎶Watch us fill the sky, Watch us fill the sky, Watch us fill the sky..... ...Bye!🎶

Have seen not a single religious nut fly up in the air yet. Farce Crapture, more like

On my way to the rapture

It's Oddie Junior's birthday today, a sagely 11. We said we'd go out for dinner, his choice. The little legend chose Harvester Bring on the salad cart and the 1983 combo!!!!

I've got Jeremy Vine on in the background, just double taked at a guest on there, I went to uni with him, and he's now a 'conservative councillor'

Maybe, if soft pricks like the BBC actually gave them some coverage rather than constantly trying to thumb a softy up Farage's nicotine stained shitter, he wouldn't have to rely on bungee jumping whilst on fire to get attention www.theguardian.com/politics/202...

After 10 days, fermentation on my cider is complete. OG reading of 1.052 down to 1.000, so an estimated ABV of 6.8% which is cracking Racked off the fruit pulp and back in the fermenter with some cinnamon sticks to add spice

Been on the cider again lads, round the sister in laws with all the kids/cousins playing silly sods whilst the adults quaffed pop and ates sausage and chips tea Winner

I'm 45 years old I'm degree educated I have globally recognised professional qualifications Tonight, I ate a burger with such vim i bit my finger and now have a blood blister on it Sodding bollocks

My lad not only did his final 11+ exam today, but we then got a call from the school to say he'd been voted in as house captain. Chap! We're off now for Lads 'n Dads bowling and burgers with a few of his mates and their dads to celebrate

Fucking brilliant If the rest of the world can put extra effort into taking the piss out of that bloated, whining crybaby, that would be aces

The Christian people I know on FB are still posting things saying how great Charlie Kirk was, despite them having a load of people pointing out some of the shitty things he said. I genuinely think the algorithms have only fed them the 'bible' side of things, and they refuse to believe it

Today's 'down the gym like a prick' professional athlete clobber: Bullseye. Nothing motivates more than Bully mocking you for not winning a speedboat

Recently, a berk from the bad old days of Twitter liked something I put on LinkedIn. We don't 'know' each other, but this kind of crossover is unacceptable. It's like when you saw your teacher out and about during half term. Not correct.

Greetings

Haggis Pakora sounds like a character from Toast of London

I met Lorraine Chase in a members club a few years ago. We ended up having a flexibility-off, with me doing The Lotus, and her clearly winning by wrapping her legs behind her head. A tremendous human

Bonnie Greer owning that suave Oompah Loompah there #questiontime

Just found a rogue unmarked bottle in my garage. Turns out an alcoholic ginger beer i made about 3 years ago My god, its terrific. You can taste the cloves, chilli and citrus peel I put in it. It's incredible how booze tastes so much better over time

'Jezza is one of the most beloved people in this country' Any thicker and they'd set solid

Donald Trump is a Cunt (now take my television show off air, you fat, orange rapist.)

Remember being on Twitter, and sometimes meeting up and people would shit in their hands and clap because they didn't know how to behave Great days

My daughter has a bezzie mate in her class. We've met her parents a few time. The dad, very friendly, was chatting to him for an hour at a party at the weekend. The mum, used to be friendly, now just blanks us I have no idea why, and I am so fucking bored of humans

I'm down the gym like a right prick. I bet all the sweatheads down here in their professional lycra and scrunch bum leggings are dead jealous of my Captain Spaulding tshirt

Just watched the famous episode 8 (Gotta Light) of Twin Peaks series 3. That's me not sleeping

I have just done an audit of my medicine cabinet and organised the contents according to pain relief, dressings, antiseptics, stomach calming, and allergy relief, in case you ever wondered how many women have left a bottomless prosecco brunch to menace my midriff mutton sundial

Make a band even more alcoholic Fosters The People

Imagine being that naff people have to use AI to make up nice things about you

You might have a wonderful face, a huge salary, a cracking rack or a car that works, but are you doing a Spirit of the 80s puzzle? I think you'll find I'm the king of pop

That could be true, but at least I won't look like a Poundland Beaker on his way to a Tinder date

Bit of a thread here as I have spare time. Just thinking about all of *this* going on at the moment, with flags and marches and uniting something or other. I live in a cul-de-sac in Greater London, and there are 11 houses here A mixture of people live in these houses...

The finest piece of engineering and human creativity throughout the cosmos

Good lord, no thank you!

There is something deeply, deeply sinister about Bonnie Blue

I just lost an Avengers memory game to my children, aged 5 and 10

I'll vote for anyone who makes it a capital offence when Indian takeaways say '45 minutes' when they really mean about an hour and a fucking half #starving

If you’re standing over your husband’s casket with a camera crew behind you, there’s something deeply wrong with you. The grift that’s about to come out of this is going to be monumental. I never imagined grief would be turned into a spectacle for clicks. But here we are…

I can smell this picture

I'm so old I remember when being thick was considered embarrassing

New sign for house inspired by @bosd.bsky.social pub visits and very apt today.

I wonder how many people in London today actually know why they're there, and if it's because someone told them to be angry about something

The Daily Mail, once again, showing how painfully easy it is to make themselves look like utter cunts

Home now, watching Diary of the Dead because I bloody love a zombie

Humbug. I'm not in anyone's ring. Unfair

Fucking hell.. They have literally no idea of motive Yet they run this I utterly hate these wankers