you need a genius IQ to describe the depths of baroque stupidity to which he descends

A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

Is this keeping America First? 🤔

Packers didn't block a lot of Browns on Sunday. One of the exceptions was Savion Williams. Goodness gracious!

CHOTINER: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. LEON: What do you mean, I'm not helping? [CHOTINER shoots him]

Damn, RIP to former Badgers and Packers guard Bill Ferrario. Died today at 47.

There's a lot going on here, which is impressive because there is nothing going on in her head.

This kind of reminds me of the old experience of talking about sports and movies, etc., with friends at a bar or around a fire, back before we all had the internet in our pockets. Part of the fun of it was trying to remember stuff as a group, now you just pull out your phone and look it up.

Existential Dredd “AM I THE LAW?”

Why don't y'all go ahead and cancel Apple TV+ while you're still feeling feisty.

I usually only watch horror movies in October, but started a week early this year (this is not a joke about the Brewers this week). Anyhow, Longlegs. Dug it! Might have lost a little punch in the 3rd act, but otherwise very much in my wheelhouse.

Damn, Nightwing couldn't even get 70 votes.

Lmao, someone please GIF that close-up of Pete Crow-Armstrong losing the ball in the lights immediately.

I’m so unsurprised by this that I thought we already knew it

I was today years old when I learned Albert Brooks was Super Dave Osborne's brother.

All day, every day

Y'all made me look up the new Chotiner interview and I'm now suffering psychic damage from arguments like these.

If you're still here it's because God hates you. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Dude missed 17 calls last night. But yeah, you can only challenge two.

"but" my friend, you meant to say "and"

They fired Mike Gundy a day after the 18th Anniversary of his I’m a Man! I’m 40! Rant.

I wrote about / reported on Cactus Club changing city policy for the better. Again.

Amanda Shires spent an afternoon introducing me to Lubbock and a small portion of those very fun hours is now chronicled in Texas Monthly ahead of her new album :) gift link: www.texasmonthly.com/arts-enterta...

I don't know who's doing SC with Stan Verrett, but her smoky (read: she is too sick to be on-air) voice is captivating.

More like Freddy Vermín. Am I late to this? Am I wrong?

Lock it down, Bobby Consonants.

By the transitive properties of NFL wins and losses, I don't feel as bad about losing to the Browns. 🤷‍♂️

come to milk on saturday! chicago/mpls cartoonists: our fest is walkable from the amtrak train station

And, like... not even a very popular TV person in his own niche.

exceptionally late to this but i finally caught Hundreds of Beavers on @jct.bsky.social's recommendation and it should be required viewing for any game developer i probably undid my surgery from laughing so hard 5 stars

Lmao, the immediate cut to the most annoying Lions fans in Baltimore. Well played, MNF truck.

In the Air Tonight is still probably the worst possible intro song they could have pivoted MNF to post-Hank.

I think if you're GWAR, having Libs of TikTok introduce you to her entire dingbat audience is probably the best thing that could possibly happen

Learned how to play the fiddle this year, which has brought me quite a bit of joy!

It was a tough weekend, but the Bash was a welcome distraction. For my money, it's the best neighborhood festival in the city.

Shaun King backing up Tucker Carlson that Jews killed Jesus. It is important to state this bluntly (I should actually write a piece about it): Antisemitism is close to getting mainstream. One thing preventing it on the right is Trump's support of Israel, but Carlson and others are pushing it.

Shorter Disney: we have looked at our finances and have come to the conclusion that we fucked up.

I miss when this kind of "canon" debate over any particular pop culture property was reserved for the most tedious kinds of nerds between locker-stuffings.

[redacted]

Beagle pillow

Releasing a Star Wars trailer like "break glass in case of PR nightmare.'

"He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream, and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish when the missile vaporized him." -Ernest Hemingway revised

they have an outsized presence because they engineered it that way, and are leveraging control of government and 90% of mainstream media as you'd expect. they're supposedly an unstoppable legion and demographic force, but it's the same way they've made people think 20% of the US is the trans menace

No One On ‘Pat McAfee Show’ Notices A.J. Hawk Dead For Last 3 Days https://theonion.com/no-one-on-pat-mcafee-show-notices-a-j-hawk-dead-for-last-3-days/

oh ok so the corrupt crypto economy doesn’t work, lesson learned glad that’s not happening elsewhere…uh oh

I never even considered this as a possibility, and now I'm 100% committed to this outcome.

These folks have been protesting every week for 6 months.

time to admit the old school scouts had a point about “big arm go zoom zoom”