I'm here now

the amount of people I know rooting for the eagles simply because they don’t want the chiefs to win is a beautiful thing. hate conquers all ♥️🦅

shout out to pseudo dive bars with overpriced cocktails you’re single handedly keeping the neon sign industry alive

Oh you can bet your ass I’m assembling a turtle army to take down this twat

Went from I think you should leave to I think you should be old yellered real quick

I got a kindle to spend less money on books but instead I’m reading more books than ever my plan has backfired spectacularly

If middle child energy was a photo

This whole tarrif tit for tat is kinda like that part in love actually where the prime minister stands up to the president for hitting on his girl except for the fact that while Hugh Grant could play Trudeau, no one would ever believe Billy Bob Thornton as Trump

if the fortune telling rodent doesn’t see his shadow next week my mental health may never recover

I don’t know why people are so concerned with movies that didn’t age well. they’re entertainment, not wine

I love starting a sentence with not to be a hater and then finishing the sentence with something only a hater would say

if billionaire super villains are real can we also get some balance in the universe and have something cool like mermaids be real too

love living in a time where every headline reads like a two sentence horror story

text your ex, clench your jaw, tense your shoulders. nothing matters, let chaos reign

when u make a silly joke on this platform

motivational speaker cat: this too shall pspspsps

I think it's akin to when a favorite character "dies" in a movie, and the next season opens with a random wormhole or time warp that brings the "dead" character back because the filmmakers need a sequel for more merch sales.

the TikTok ban reminds me of that one friend who dramatically and abruptly leaves the group chat then awkwardly has ask to be re added once they’ve calmed down

seeing people have their hearts broken when their team is knocked out of the play offs makes me so happy my team sets the bar low and doesn’t even make them

tik tok this tik tok that why don’t you tik this as a sign to go tok to your friends

has anyone checked on Kyle Maclachlan

hey I had the best time with you last night, unfortunately when I was in third grade I predicted the first initial of my soulmate by twisting the stem off an apple and yours doesn’t match so I just don’t think this is going to go anywhere

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s probably time to wash your water bottle

not to be pro censorship but if I’m being honest with myself I’d probably ban an app where people were being mean to me if I had the power

nothing good comes from seeing “hey girl” in your message requests. At best someone’s smelly son is two timing you and at worst someone you haven’t spoken to in five years thinks you’re dumb enough to join the down line of whatever pyramid scheme they’re caught up in

trying to do a regular Google search and getting an AI overview feels like the robot version of someone annoying going “um actually”

I’m becoming increasingly convinced that sleep when the baby sleeps is advice given to new parents from generations of parents who were too tired to come up with actually useful advice

how long do things need to feel dystopian before we have to acknowledge this is just topian now

I wonder what people with fuck Trudeau car stickers are going to use as a substitute for a personality now

maybe I’m not the problem, maybe it’s time for the bagging area to adjust its expectations

the grinch would be more believable as a cat person

when they said hark the herald angels sing they were referring to Beyoncés halftime show specifically

“Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” is exactly what I’d say to my sibling as a signal that our weird cousin just walked in while we were in the middle of talking shit

does anyone know why the doll is on the island of misfit toys or am I to assume it’s because she’s a ginger

If Rudolph’s nose is as bright as those led headlights I actually think he deserves to be bullied

if gliding the scissors seamlessly through the wrapping paper feels like doing heroin I bet lining up the pattern on the paper so it matches perfectly feels like cumming

I won’t be making any resolutions until March, 2025 is going to have to work a little to prove it deserves me at my best

thank you so much for asking if I found everything okay, I actually didn’t but I will die before I ever admit that

if you’re someone who always gets gifts in the same theme because you mentioned you liked it in passing forever ago I’m thinking of you this holiday season

it doesn’t matter the occasion; If there is a dog at the party, to me, they are the guest of honour

if laughter is the best medicine some higher power is healthy as hell watching my life play out

I’ll never feel bad for making fun of someone’s veneers, look what we did to sonic and he’s on his 3rd movie

If I’m playing stardew for the first time in months since the new update should I keep playing my existing farm or should I start from scratch

I don’t know if this exists or not but I think hotels should partner with animal shelters and have surrogate pets you can snuggle while you’re on vacation missing your furry friends

sorry I can’t make it tonight, I decided to take a nap after work and now it turns out the nap has taken me

there are two types of people, people who answer jeopardy questions in their own living room in the form of a question, and people who are wrong

thanks a lot Bluesky, no balloons on my profile means I have to obnoxiously point out that it’s my birthday instead of letting others stumble upon it

despite the ceo of my company making at least $500,000 as his annual bonus he sent us all a $100 Amazon gift card as a Christmas bonus and I feel that with inflation this isn’t even as good as Clark Griswald’s jelly of the month club

If you’re on your last week of work before you go on leave what day do you stop being productive

the luigi stuff really overshadowed the 12th anniversary of the ikea monkey wearing a big coat