maybe 6 was afraid of 7 because he knew one day their combined powers would be used for evil

I thought being the kind of person who can’t relax until my house is clean would mean my place was always really tidy but all it actually means is I’m extra stressed in my slightly cluttered home

I forgot that reply guys here are somehow so much worse than twitter

breaking up with my true love on the 13th day of Christmas because their place has a really weird bird smell

so these thieves, just how thick are we talking?

I so badly want to feel morally superior to the Starbucks bearista cup collectors but as a child who lived through the beanie babies as happy meal toys craze my hands are not without blood

they just aren’t out here naming babies Ebenezer like they used to

drake turning off the game as it gets to 18

I’ve never felt more like her

none of this would have happened if we let them do hella steroids is all i'm saying

I am now rooting for whichever team lets me go to bed

no offence but 15 innings kind of feels like you’re just doing it for attention now

Cork the bats Barry Bonds

sometimes I can’t believe that breathing in fresh air with these stupid lungs, looking at pretty trees with my dumbs eyes, and walking around on these idiot feet is the key to happiness

the problem with how much I commit to the bit is one day I’ll probably do something stupid like get my cpa so I can be the thot that counts

If I killed off my Twitter self does that mean I died in real life

I'm here now

the amount of people I know rooting for the eagles simply because they don’t want the chiefs to win is a beautiful thing. hate conquers all ♥️🦅

shout out to pseudo dive bars with overpriced cocktails you’re single handedly keeping the neon sign industry alive

Oh you can bet your ass I’m assembling a turtle army to take down this twat

Went from I think you should leave to I think you should be old yellered real quick

I got a kindle to spend less money on books but instead I’m reading more books than ever my plan has backfired spectacularly

If middle child energy was a photo

This whole tarrif tit for tat is kinda like that part in love actually where the prime minister stands up to the president for hitting on his girl except for the fact that while Hugh Grant could play Trudeau, no one would ever believe Billy Bob Thornton as Trump

if the fortune telling rodent doesn’t see his shadow next week my mental health may never recover

I don’t know why people are so concerned with movies that didn’t age well. they’re entertainment, not wine

I love starting a sentence with not to be a hater and then finishing the sentence with something only a hater would say

if billionaire super villains are real can we also get some balance in the universe and have something cool like mermaids be real too

love living in a time where every headline reads like a two sentence horror story

text your ex, clench your jaw, tense your shoulders. nothing matters, let chaos reign

when u make a silly joke on this platform

motivational speaker cat: this too shall pspspsps

I think it's akin to when a favorite character "dies" in a movie, and the next season opens with a random wormhole or time warp that brings the "dead" character back because the filmmakers need a sequel for more merch sales.

the TikTok ban reminds me of that one friend who dramatically and abruptly leaves the group chat then awkwardly has ask to be re added once they’ve calmed down

seeing people have their hearts broken when their team is knocked out of the play offs makes me so happy my team sets the bar low and doesn’t even make them

tik tok this tik tok that why don’t you tik this as a sign to go tok to your friends

has anyone checked on Kyle Maclachlan

hey I had the best time with you last night, unfortunately when I was in third grade I predicted the first initial of my soulmate by twisting the stem off an apple and yours doesn’t match so I just don’t think this is going to go anywhere

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s probably time to wash your water bottle

not to be pro censorship but if I’m being honest with myself I’d probably ban an app where people were being mean to me if I had the power

nothing good comes from seeing “hey girl” in your message requests. At best someone’s smelly son is two timing you and at worst someone you haven’t spoken to in five years thinks you’re dumb enough to join the down line of whatever pyramid scheme they’re caught up in

trying to do a regular Google search and getting an AI overview feels like the robot version of someone annoying going “um actually”

I’m becoming increasingly convinced that sleep when the baby sleeps is advice given to new parents from generations of parents who were too tired to come up with actually useful advice

how long do things need to feel dystopian before we have to acknowledge this is just topian now

I wonder what people with fuck Trudeau car stickers are going to use as a substitute for a personality now

maybe I’m not the problem, maybe it’s time for the bagging area to adjust its expectations

the grinch would be more believable as a cat person

when they said hark the herald angels sing they were referring to Beyoncés halftime show specifically

“Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” is exactly what I’d say to my sibling as a signal that our weird cousin just walked in while we were in the middle of talking shit

does anyone know why the doll is on the island of misfit toys or am I to assume it’s because she’s a ginger