if you give a mouse all cookies, he’ll sell your data for a glass of milk

if i get a million likes and not one of them is my wife then ive gotten zero likes

my current hometown had a mayor who named a lot of our streets and local rumour has it he chose the most ridiculous one in an attempt to piss off his most vocal critic who happened to live on that street and I think that is the exact correct use of political power

each bean represents an out

first we came for football with Taylor swift, then we came for hockey with heated rivalry, next we’ll come for baseball with the 7th inning espresso martini break

oh it's going to be a Recession recession

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I was just at a comedy show and the guy next to me says "wow, he's really funny" and his buddy goes "yeah, but that's only because it's his job." I'm going to be thinking about this comment a lot

In case you were wondering which wine pairs best with existential dread it’s lots

I see your girl dinner and raise you racoon dinner (blindly pawing through my snack cupboard and scurrying away with whatever treat I can get my hands on before anyone sees me)

if you’re ever worried you’re past your prime and haven’t achieved anything just remember bananas are best as bread and grapes are best as wine. the universe is probably just waiting to do something delicious with your corpse

*trying to get my boomer mom to open up about her feelings* so, on a scale of live, laugh, love how are we feeling today?

Being the sweetest angel in the world isn’t easy but I’m doing it

I recommended a book I really loved to a friend and I think the only way I could possibly feel more vulnerable is if I send her full hole and said “thoughts?”

I saw a very brave lost book at the museum today.

a medically induced coma is starting to sound like a luxury spa treatment

frank crum just scored a td. it is important for you to see frank crum while thinking about how his name is frank crum. i wanted bears to draft him so bad.

our greatest hope against AI is returning limewire to its former glory

ok he’s acquired the prize that will get him into heaven. there’s only one thing left to do

January has the energy of waving goodbye to someone and realizing you’re actually going the same way and awkwardly walking with them

if you don’t have crushed ice, blocked ice is fine

my new shower head has a powerwash setting meant for cleaning the shower but I just know someone is gonna get lonely enough that they inspire a warning label

laundry is the most ruthless of household tasks, you could be having the worst week of your life and your clothes will just be there like surprise bitch you’re out of clean undies

all I can hope for is that this is the kind of trauma that makes me funnier not the kind of trauma that makes people tilt their head sympathetically when they greet me

Due to some intense personal trauma, I am back babbby

I love a good class action lawsuit. You thought red bull would actually give you wings and now I get $7? thanks for the coffee king.

since it’s my birthday and I get to decide I’m choosing to only get older but not wiser. being young and dumb shouldn’t be enjoyed by just the young

If Reese’s can be brave enough to call that poorly defined blob a tree, you can be brave enough to call out your crappy relatives this Christmas

does my dog know that me seeing his little nose sticking out from under a blanket is the closest I’ll come to the feeling of doing heroin or does he just do that because he’s a goober

In a world where I can be anything I have GOT to stop choosing tired

I honestly think Tarantino is jealous that Paul Dano uttered the most perfect fuck to ever grace cinema and that’s what QTs entire body of work has strived for

cool my headphones just died at the gym and now I want to too

you always have to add a little low hanging fruit to your to do list because a win is a win

every year, millions of gift wrappers will suffer from tape blindness a serious condition that renders an individual completely incapable of seeing the tape that they LITERALLY just had

the highs of my phone buzzing; the lows of seeing it’s another store texting me about Black Friday

you know who else sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake

if Santa knows when I’m awake why exactly does he need to see me when I’m sleeping

maybe 6 was afraid of 7 because he knew one day their combined powers would be used for evil

I thought being the kind of person who can’t relax until my house is clean would mean my place was always really tidy but all it actually means is I’m extra stressed in my slightly cluttered home

I forgot that reply guys here are somehow so much worse than twitter

breaking up with my true love on the 13th day of Christmas because their place has a really weird bird smell

so these thieves, just how thick are we talking?

I so badly want to feel morally superior to the Starbucks bearista cup collectors but as a child who lived through the beanie babies as happy meal toys craze my hands are not without blood

they just aren’t out here naming babies Ebenezer like they used to

drake turning off the game as it gets to 18

I’ve never felt more like her

none of this would have happened if we let them do hella steroids is all i'm saying

I am now rooting for whichever team lets me go to bed

no offence but 15 innings kind of feels like you’re just doing it for attention now

Cork the bats Barry Bonds