If I don't see it in 5 minutes of scrolling, it doesn't exist.

With over 50 years experience, I should be an anxiety consultant. Need anxiety? Contact me. *waits nervously*

Anyone who can finish Monster - Ed Gein needs to have their hard drive checked.

He's literally tearing down the White House and shutting down the government to avoid releasing the Epstein files.

Them - Chinese takeout will feed you for 2-3 days. Me - You obviously don't understand my commitment.

🖕

📣Breaking📣 Self proclaimed alpha male throws a fit and demands an investigation when forced to use his legs and walk up steps❗

Anyone who says "I'm really good at this stuff" are always most certainly NOT good at anything.

Can't focus today, waiting on the rapture.

Never underestimate my ability to stay in bed three days straight due to severe depression

Opps, my bad.

I wish we got notifications of unfollowers and unfrienders. I'd like to send them a thank you card.

In my defense, I was super productive for over 4 hours. The next 4 hours are mine. Now do you mind giving my nap blankie back? And get the light?

IDGAF who you are, how big you are, or what gender you are. If you try to intimidate me by getting in my space... I'll just make it weird for the fun of it and move closer.

I talk to myself in the same condescending tone, so you’re not special

The irony of anonymous accounts doxing people in an effort to get them fired. Show your face and name, cowards.

Calling in sick of all my favorite actors dying this year

Sorry, boss. I spent my weekend weekending so now I most scroll. 🤳

Not in my lifetime, but I get it. Sad.

Remember when we could stretch without our shoulders revolting in protest? Good times.

The grift is unstoppable.

At this age the only clubs I'll be going to are Sam's, BJ's or Costco.

My daughter insists the expensive cat food is her cat's favorite. Sis, your cats are college student cats, they broke too.

You're truly an adult when you base all of your decisions on how tired you're likely to be in any given situation.

I pissed off a lot of people yesterday for giving the same energy they gave for the Hortmans.

Yet another school shooting yesterday, yet our timelines were plastered with that gummy mother fucker's insufferable face. I said what I said.

Chatty coworker after talking your ear off for 30 minutes- Is it time to go yet? Me-

yes please make a wide 18-wheeler turn with your smartcar. i wasn't gonna use this lane anyway.

Living like I already won the lotto, not talking to anyone irl

Nobody prepares you for the overbearing in-laws that your kid will have. Like, back off. She's MY kid!

Shout-out to my ring camera for letting me know how ratty my hair looked from behind. *Pulls hair in a ponytail*

Does anyone else silently rage when a coworker talks out loud to themselves...all fucking day.

The Term of Our Discontent

Remember, it’s only a grudge if I cared enough to hate

No, I'm not going to do that. I'm leaving for the weekend in like 3 hours, soooo

*Encourages the annoying coworker to go home "sick"

😂😂 55 this morning

Random reply gal- That was a shitty thing to say. This is the Internet. Go get the rainbows and sunshine from your support group.

Welcome back online, while you were logged off I definitely did NOT post bad and delete

You won't know your potatoes have went bad until you walk by and there's the smell of 1000 exploded demons.

Does anyone take Ambien anymore or are they all dead?

I honestly and truly believed that growing old would take a lot longer.

I'm record stores were a need and not a novelty years old.

I will continue to wear my earbuds as long as other people are allowed to exist in my work space. Suck it, HR.

It's not depression. It's this being back in the office full-time bullshit.

Fuck ICE.

Sorry, can't, I'll be studying the menu for the Mexican lunch spot for the next 2 hours.

Normalize talking louder over people who try interrupting you. Seriously. Not having it.

I'm too tired for physical therapy. Can you just take my money and sign the form.