Remember: we were never given credit for being right about crypto, we were never given credit for being right about NFTs, we were never given credit for being right about the metaverse and we will never be given credit for being right about AI. Fuck 'em up anyway.

HomeGoods is Five Below for moms. #happymothersday

MY STEPMOM: *stuck in a washing machine* help ME: I got this *googles stepmom stuck in washing machine* what the

“the singer”

😂😂😂

Further proof that I do comedy things with amazing, creative people.

Doctors dress like Jesus now.

Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees

The new season of "Euphoria" premieres this weekend. In the show, Martha Kelly plays a terrifying drug dealer with a deadpan delivery. In real life, she’s a deadpan comedian who cut her teeth in Texas. thebarbedwire.com/2025/03/26/m...

We STILL have to slow down for these Water Lumps??!!

Rich Parents Fill Easter Eggs With Gas

I think we need to celebrate the death of Sora a bit more. This is a technology that, just MONTHS AGO, we were being told was going to literally destroy Hollywood and Disney was going to give them a BILLION DOLLARS and NONE OF THAT EVEN REMOTELY HAPPENED

Finally some good ideas being proposed in 2026.

I think it’s cool that vacation spending doesn’t come out of your bank account. Very neat.

The weirdest part of any flight is when the pilot comes on the PA and starts to read ad copy for an airplane credit card like he’s up there hosting a podcast.

HEY LOOK - I’M ON A PODCAST THAT IS CONSTANTLY BRIMMING WITH CREATIVITY AND TALENT!

Weird. I swear I remember laughing all through the new Naked Gun because it had jokes. I guess I sat in silence, wishing for someone to cancel Cancel Culture®️.

Does he have to give that other persons peace prize back now?

I want a zoo but it’s all MAGA and billionaires. It’s open 24/7. No privacy for the rest of their lives as we walk by with cokes and hot dogs and tell our kids these foul fleshy creatures in cages actually used to have power. And the kids laugh up at us like, “No way!”

Dinosaur Convention out here with higher moral standards than the Cabinet.

The man who told reporters it’s time to move on from the Epstein files won’t shut up about the 2020 election.

Groundhog Day | noun | a situation in which the same usually negative or monotonous experiences occur repeatedly or are felt to occur repeatedly with no change or correction

ICE actively preying on more small children to abduct and send to concentration camps. Every single person responsible for this should be sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in one of their own camps, with the same crowding, rancid food, etc. You built it, enjoy it forever.

❤️

Man, I bet the NRA is going to be furious when they hear that jack-booted thugs from the federal government executed a law-abiding citizen for exercising his Second Amendment right to carry a handgun. Any second now, I'm sure. He was a white guy, if that helps? Hello? NRA?

they're executing moms and nurses in the street. they're using preschoolers as bait. they're stealing people's dads and grandmas and children. they're tear gassing babies. they're staking out schools. there is no remedy but abolition. any proposal that doesn't start there is an act of violence.

The absolute accuracy of this.

A big giant thumbs down to this era of gaming when every title abandoned their own awesome visual style to instead look like this.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but cops are not allowed to shoot people just because you didn't do what they said. That is called murder when they do that. Some cops are working hard to convince people otherwise.

Amazing.

Sometimes a college basketball game will be like Oklahoma vs. Oklahoma State and it’s like come on guys I know that’s the same place.

Gonna update the Magic 8 Ball with a side that says “I DON’T know - CAN you??”

Along the lines of the “no talking” option in an Uber, you should be able to pre-check to an auto care place and check a “Don’t tell me about extra stuff” box about my car.

There’s gonna be a White House Comedy Festival soon, isn’t there?

I like to think this Riyadh festival is a big Ocean’s 11 style caper designed to help Pete Davidson avenge his father.

A rich and powerful man voluntarily bearing a cross onstage, but adding wheels so it's not remotely difficult, is the perfect picture for our country.

Do I just fast forward through podcast ads more these days, or have we all stopped caring as much if our clothes are antimicrobial?

I want a re-release of the original Jurassic Park that pulls a ‘Reverse George Lucas’ and inserts the originally intended stop-motion animation.

I love late night shows and will always love late night shows. There’s a showbiz magic to hundreds of people throwing together an entire entertainment program for a live studio audience that will then be on television that same night. Regardless of business or if you like them, just kind of magical.

Shoutout Xanga - I’ll emo out all over again!

I see it. I have lived it. 83 years ago, the U.S. government turned upon a group of its own citizens and residents and sent them to internment camps without due process. I was there among them. American fascism is back. It is here. It is now.

Upon further discussion Kath and I have confirmed that I’m in fact great.

LOLOL (it’s true 💣)

But we're going to touch the stove and we'll be touching it more than probably ever before. And we're not going to get burned. We're not going to get burned

Attn: @pftompkins.bsky.social