LUKE SKYWALKER: but master yoda!!! why won't you give your blessing to my promposal?? YODA: *sad grunts*

We saw you from across the bar and want to split a Bloomin' Onion.

lmao

How do you guys keep your cast irons from bending your dishwasher racks? Mf heavy

who up computing on the doohickey

Q. Will there be email at the party? A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.

Et tu, Little Brutus?

He was white as a sheet And he also made false teeth

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Today marks the oldest I have ever been

I hope somewhere in the world, someone else flushed their toilet at the exact moment I flushed mine

*chiming in mid way through the third quarter of a basketball game where my team is getting absolutely annihilated* alright boys let's pass the pumpkin

Who up eating they morning glop

Charles Entertainment Horse

Elon I heard Joy Carol Oates say she’s never seen you drink a thermometer. She’s saying you haven’t even ingested one temperature.

Stunned onlookers were overheard asking “Did we die? Is this Hell?"

Man, 2009 was a crazy year: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboa...

on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people

wolfpupy comic from Jul 4, 2020 - patreon.com/wolfpupy

I use triolingo but I'm sure yours is good too

It’s fall which means I dress like a father in a video game that has to brave his personal hell to save his family

I had a latte and then I had a Coke Zero. I am alive.

It drives me crazy that fancasting can be so focused on “who looks the most like this fictional character?” and not “who can play this fictional character well?” It just makes fans look like the most media illiterate dorks. “B-b-but there’s another actor that looks exactly like the character” NO

My life has gotten measurably better since I started saying “hooray” more often. Hooray!

Hey, my best friend started a new company with @ttscoff.bsky.social! Apple productivity consulting from two dudes you can trust. If you need help optimizing, automating, and documenting your team’s process, you gotta check this out 🐻

Happy Halloween!

Let's Learn about types of ghosts

43 years ago today, readers the world over opened their newspapers and gazed upon cow tools for the first time. happy birthday cow tools. you look great.

We used to be a society that said things like "tight", "no doi", and "crunk"

I think the acoustic guitar is kind of bullshit. But it's what I have access to right now, so we're playing it.

Finally had to explain to my son that "daddy doesn't wear vests"

Asked about his personal appearance, fashion style and how it changed over time, Nagoshi says he adapts to what his current girlfriend is into.

a) Man, Huell Howser was great! b) I kept expecting to grow weary of it and want to turn it off, but dang if I didn't watch through to the end with a dumb grin. c) You can almost see Tim Robinson watching this and saying, somewhat ominously, "Get me Fred Willard." www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7f9...

Americans are stupid disgusting cattle. Which I revere as holy.

I am, regretfully, thinking about buying an electric bass a lot these days.

I will be having a Diet Pepsi while I cook dinner tonight. Please update your records.

Oh my god some fucking tech dingdong posted this on Twitter with the caption "AI games are going to be amazing" totally seriously, you have to watch it. You have to. In full screen.

Reminds me of when I was buying a car and the salesman told me how to make my own yogurt at home. He told me the first step was to heat up some greek yogurt from the store.

No correct aspect ratio upload to be found on YouTube, and I could be more rigorous about my editing, but I genuinely think this is some of the funniest 106 seconds in comedy history, and definitely in my top five Simpsons jokes.

The average American man in 1959 couldn't handle an entire slice of cheese

Tommy Tutone hatched from an egg, sang "867-5309/Jenny", and then died. We miss you, Tommy Tutone.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY: David Bowie killed in pepsi explosion

👀

Some greetings you can try out: - Henlo, slime - What's sloppin' - Howdy-do, gangster

A while back I realized much of what I micro blogged was just me processing stuff out loud, & not in a way that had any benefit for myself or the topic. Often it could just be me articulating my most negative thoughts & foisting them on others! So I had a witch shrink me & now I live in a dollhouse.

Had some of that Jolt cola. Not a fan!

The 28 best films ever made

I have successfully completed the challenge of “talk to my 94 year old grandmother about politics”