As far as nap positions go this one seems less than ideal, but go off girl I guess

she frost on my mini til i wheat

I want to switch foundations so I was gonna do some research but you know what fuck you google

My plans for tonight, you ask?

My crankiest opinion is we need to get back to a world where people stop bringing their goddamn dogs everywhere, like I’m sorry you can go to Nordstrom alone I promise it’ll be ok

A renaissance painting

My boss messaged me asking to make a slide highlighting our Q4 activities like pal I barely remember how to type you think I have any idea what we did in Q4

That scene in harry potter where he’s forcing dumbledore to drink the poison except it’s me on day 3 of eating nothing but cake and cookies

i would like to trophy hunt the the liberty emu

I got Lululemon leggings as a gift and I regret to inform everyone they are actually the best leggings I’ve ever worn :(

Dream team (unclear what the dream is)

i miss when charlie kirk was alive and i didn't even have to know he had a wife

Whatever you do, don’t ask how they make this

It’s crimmas

Food: $500 Mortgage: $2,500 Utilities: $400 Gas: $200 Penis and testicles: $200,000 Someone please help me, etc etc

Was just told by team leaders that they are getting sent reports about how many of us are accessing ChatGPT, with the implication that we will get in trouble if we don’t use it. This world is a fucking nightmare.

Ok so I’m committing now to reading more books next year, but my biggest obstacle has been just finding ones I want to read. I’ll finish something then lose momentum because I don’t know where to go next. So this is an open call for recommendations! Parameters and examples to follow:

Time and again, we are presented with the same tableau: a 1lb roadrunner effortlessly subdues a 50lb coyote, blows him up with Acme explosive, pushes him off a cliff and catapults him into the next canyon, denounces him with “beep-beep,” and dispatches him with both moral and literal finality.

obviously not the major driver of his health concerns but it is very funny to read A Christmas Carol as an adult and realize that when tiny tim first says "God bless us, every one!" he's a severely malnourished child and they've given him a cup of hot gin

Applying to a new tranche of jobs today so I can hopefully get a bunch of rejections on Christmas Eve 🙌🏼

I AM GOING TO THROW UP 😭

I love that none of us have probably thought about Paul Dano for years but the minute Tarantino opened his dumb mouth the whole world arose like vampires from a coffin to collectively say, hey fuck you

Had an absolute dumpster fire of a gig today that started off with one of the musicians being 15 minutes late because she got lost because she “doesn’t have GPS” (I watched her pull out her android afterwards)

I wrote a bit for McSweeney's about Isaac Chotiner interviewing Santa Claus. Just a little something for the holiday season. Enjoy!

Her Listening Age was 16 you sick fuck

Hell yeah AI, what else you got?

This is the only kind of message I want to get on Teams

the vomit hose guy and the execs from HBOMax who keep doing the dumbest shit should have their salaries swapped

I’m sorry for being ignorant about international law, but can someone please explain to me why extra judicially bombing a boat with no evidence once was ok but bombing it twice is like whoa now buddy, too far

I discovered today that Interstate 17 begins and ends in Arizona which by DEFINITION makes it not an interstate and I’d like to know who to speak to about this???

It’s 36 degrees outside but somehow I’m the asshole for making sure he stays warm

Damn companies must be cleaning out their inboxes before the holiday because I’ve gotten four job application rejections today and it’s only noon lol we’re having fun aren’t we folks

Every American should have this in their wallet:

New otis just dropped

A funny thing about Mike is that Casino is his comfort movie so this morning I get to watch Joe Pesci beat the shit out of Don Rickles with a phone while I eat my eggs

Hi Sharks— I stand before you today asking for $750,000 for my revolutionary new product, which will disrupt the pet industry like never before: meat-flavored vapes for dogs

Went ahead and made this now just to save them some time

Huge fan of this “broccoli stir fry” mix, no notes

Phoebe doing me the favor of moving off my desk chair but making sure she does it in the most dramatic way possible, real toddler vibes

Say what you want about Dick Cheney,

I always thought it was a little weird and gross that people used to attend public hangings but I just left Wal Mart which was an absolute ghost town thanks to SNAP cuts and I am now willing to pay top dollar for a front row seat to watch every single one of these motherfuckers swing

suck it Canada, good luck with your garbage free healthcare and beautiful free country

People on here will post anything. 'Baseball games have 9 innings.' No they don’t. That isn’t true.

While many of you are likely yelling "GO BLUE JAYS" or "GO DODGERS!" I'm yelling "GO ROBERT MUELLER and the rule of law!"

I just really hope both teams had fun

Trying to get our porch spookified but someone is ruining the vibe

If your job posting says “Remote” but then at the very end you mention that it’s actually a hybrid position, I should be allowed to hit you seven (7) times with a tube sock full of batteries