So easy

haha got his ass

each morning I awaken to new vistas of liberal collaboration

Gonna run for president on the platform that McDonald’s should serve breakfast until 11am but start serving fries at 10am

What am I looking at

Spending Valentine’s Day taking Otis to the dog wash because he puked on himself in our bed last night 🥰

how your email finds me

Oh no my mother has asked me to rewatch the show with her and walk her through all the references, I’ve got work to do

Me, a very white person who doesn’t speak Spanish getting ready to read all the analysis of the halftime show so I can fully appreciate it

I spent the whole week thinking I was going to be rooting for Seattle over the vile Patriots because I had forgotten that the Seahawks have actually won a Super Bowl. So now I’m rooting for Robert Mueller and the rule of law.

Breaking: Tragedy at the Winter Olympics

I’m at the pawn shop. I’m at the old-fashioned ice cream parlor. I’m at the combination pawn shop and old-fashioned ice cream parlor.

What are girl group chats for if not one person saying they need to take a shower but don’t want to and the rest of them enthusiastically hyping her up to get in the shower

So it turns out my anti-death penalty stance has a limit

We could have universal healthcare, we could have free education, free childcare, housing for all, climate change mitigation, but nope instead we have a bunch of decrepit rich fucks hoarding all the wealth so they can go on pedophile vacations with each other

All the stars are here: Brantley Gilbert, Brice Bradley, Gabby Babby, Bibb Glibsy, Slab Gabbert, Brice Bryce,

Just shared this news with Mike because today I choose violence

Hear me out: Law & Order SVU but with muppets

It must be so peaceful in there

Greg Bovino sadly filling one steamer trunk after another with elaborate fashy overcoats, the teargas canisters he always has bouncing around on him like labubus, and dozens of "chest-belts." They will be shipped ahead of him as he prepares to return to his home, which is a men's size 10 boot.

I’m making my way through Pride and Prejudice for the first time ever and it really is nice to have friends to discuss classic literature with

Sir, we’ve lost r/massivecock

What is there to even say. Burn it all to ashes.

You can tell things are going well in America because accounts with names like MovieTVFunZone are posting things like, "THE PIGS ARE KIDNAPPING CHILDREN AND PRIESTS. THE TREE OF LIBERTY DEMANDS TO BE WATERED"

I paid all of these agitators (it cost 9 trillion dollars)

F1 getting nominated for best picture…did they just run out of movies or?

Listen I know Teams is an application borne from the depths of hell from the mind of beelzebub himself, but he really popped off with the feature that tells you how many people are in the meeting before you join

I had to go to a supplement store today and it was just as insane as I imagined

Just got asked by my boss to do my job ON A FRIDAY this fucking sucks man

I call these idiots the Folger twins for a reason

I would let Jon Bernthal run me over with a grain thresher

i think what we need now more than ever is slow, incremental change

We are the children of the Jamelles you couldn’t Bouie

Fellas is it gay to eat man cereal

In a drive thru with Otis and a guy asked me how much I think he’d hypothetically sell for lmao like sir he came from the streets

I hope that pig has to hide underground for the rest of his miserable life

As far as nap positions go this one seems less than ideal, but go off girl I guess

she frost on my mini til i wheat

I want to switch foundations so I was gonna do some research but you know what fuck you google

My plans for tonight, you ask?

My crankiest opinion is we need to get back to a world where people stop bringing their goddamn dogs everywhere, like I’m sorry you can go to Nordstrom alone I promise it’ll be ok

A renaissance painting

My boss messaged me asking to make a slide highlighting our Q4 activities like pal I barely remember how to type you think I have any idea what we did in Q4

That scene in harry potter where he’s forcing dumbledore to drink the poison except it’s me on day 3 of eating nothing but cake and cookies

i would like to trophy hunt the the liberty emu

I got Lululemon leggings as a gift and I regret to inform everyone they are actually the best leggings I’ve ever worn :(

Dream team (unclear what the dream is)

i miss when charlie kirk was alive and i didn't even have to know he had a wife