NASA employee: oh hey you guys are back early. Astronaut: *grabs plunger, gets back on rocketship*

I wish they had given us a countdown before they took this photo. My eyes were closed. I hope I didn’t ruin the group photo for all earth bound creatures.

Okay, everyone's been asking why I'm not on Artemis 2 so I thought I should just address it once and for all and then we can all move forward

That is one huge chemtrail.

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

Went to Costco and this remote controlled boat caught my eye. But then I noticed the words in the top left corner. Are there places people have tried to use these boats that necessitated that warning?

Years ago, I spent 13 days aboard a freighter as it crossed the Pacific Ocean from South Korea to the United States. I think this gives me enough expert knowledge to confirm most of these facts are true. (I can not be certain about Julius Caesar and his travels to confirm that one).

We have thunder snow happening now. Where did you go spring?

There is a version of this world that could exist where, at any given time, the majority of humans beings are just chillin’ and eating fruit.

No, we don't require age verification to view our blue-footed boobies. Also, grow up.

was Pam Bondi trying to un-hibernate Auto-Tune the News?

Wondering if anyone has shown @sirmichael.bsky.social this site yet? People can draw horses and then make them run with other horses. It might be a good way for him to display his excellent horse drawing skills, as well as keep an eye on those people drawing horses (1998-2001). gradient.horse

I just found out that the Dalai Lama beat out Fab Morvan from Milli Vanilli for a Grammy this year. I think I need to build a time machine and go back to 1990 to place a long-term bet on that occurring.

Hey NFL, if you are listening, how about an all K-pop show next year?

Six years ago there was little outrage over Spanish being sung at the Super Bowl. So if you have friends that say “I won’t watch Bad Bunny at the Super Bowl,” just show them this clip and ask, “¿Cómo se dice en Español… ‘TOO LATE’? youtu.be/XfNWs7xgDrg?...

Many years ago, I was waiting to catch a ferry from Ireland to England. A fellow American was next to me writing a list in a notebook. I glanced over and saw it said “things I miss from USA.” It was a list of food, mostly candy. I asked how long he had been away. Just a few days, he told me.

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

Does Dancing With The Stars have a short enough dancer to pair with Bovino? Or will he be heading to the Masked Singer?

Hey dumdums, cold weather does not negate climate change. Thank you for your attention to this matter! LAKE SUPERIOR, GREATEST LAKE OF ALL-TIME.

Seems unfair that you only get to use the bouncy slide to get off a plane when things have gone wrong. The bouncy slide should be a treat they give to the best passengers who did the flight correctly.

I keep thinking about how ICE’s statement started by saying they got stuck in snow and were attempting to get their vehicle unstuck. They were in the middle of a street with traffic moving. And they were in the vehicle not pushing it out of some imaginary snow bank. Their lies are pathetic.

Sometimes all you can do is make the world 0.0000000000001% less awful by being a good person and it feels very meaningless but it’s also the only thing that really matters

I’m reposting this because I saw Duncan Jones repost it. And dang it, I don’t think it is fair he is trying to win a signed copy when he can just sing one for himself. So I’m posting it to lower his odds of winning. (And increase mine.)

Many years ago, I was delayed at the Caracas, Venezuela airport. I saw a large crowd chanting something. I got closer and heard, "Menudo, Menudo, Menudo." I then saw bodyguards escorting the band through the awaiting crowd. I'm pretty sure I saw a young Ricky Martin that day, livin' la vida loca.

This is true and I was the only one on set excited about it (and playing the song on my phone to blank stares)

Just watched the new Knives Out and I think it's really important you know that the scene in the Seminary's Gym is filmed in the same place Rick Astley filmed the music video for Never Gonna Give You Up. I saw the window tracery and immediately made my friends pause the film so I could tell them.

It doesn’t fix things, but it really does bring me comfort to know how miserable some of the worst people are. Donald Trump tweeting over 200 times on Christmas. Billionaires fighting with strangers online during the holidays. Everything about Elon Musk

ah yes a true holiday classic

One of the stars of ABC’s “Billionaires Fight Over Entrepreneurs To Exploit,” was back on this site to prove yet again he is out of touch with reality and doesn’t understand basic stuff. I love how the guy who often bragged how valuable his time is worth spent so much time replying to me.

We greatly misunderstood what customers wanted when they said our gift shop should sell stuffed animals.

A movie theater near me is showing Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery starring Benoit Blanc and Jeremy Renner.

Caught a meteor on the security camera this morning

One, two, three, four, five Everybody in the car, so come on, let's ride To the liquor store around the corner The boys say they want some gin and juice But I really don't wanna...

Just saw Sisu: Road to Revenge. I think it was as good as Sisu, complete with a few completely bonkers sequences.

If you know me, you know I’m a big fan of EuropaPark. Yesterday, their movie, Grand Prix of Europe, was released in the US. If you get the chance, I recommend checking it out. It is an animated kids’ film that is fun for the whole family. youtu.be/UbLP02snaTo?...

today, we will treat sewage. we will manage the foul remnants of our past, the health of our present, the hope of our future. days end, but the mission endures. because there will be sewage to treat tomorrow. but this day is today. and today, we will treat sewage.

If you are still in line to make a Dick Chaney joke, STAY IN LINE. He is still dead and there are still plenty of jokes to be made.

Caught a meteor on my security camera.

Animal costumes are banned from the zoo after last Halloween’s tranquilizer dart incident.

It brings me some joy that one of the comedians that recently played at the Riyadh Comedy Festival is currently begging for people to attend his show in Wisconsin. Hannibal Buress has been running FB ads all week, and two hours before the show I got this text:

Oct 26th 1985 - 40 Years ago today! - Mikey, Chunk, Data and Mouth went on a treasure hunt to save the "Goon Docks". 📽️📅 The Goonies (1985)

This is a helpful thread of examples of acceptable skulls and many more in the comments.

The German company that makes the mechanical ladder used in the Louvre heist has used the image to advertise, with the text 'When you need to move fast' 10/10 response, no notes

One of my least rational beliefs is that if you pull off a heist without hurting anyone or getting caught within a day, that's your stuff fair and square.

It’s time #NoKings

stop thinking right now

Would have been that hard for the Nobel committee to create a “Nobel Piece of Shit Prize” to award him today?

"We separate people from their kids. Tackle as many of them as possible. Zip-tie their toddlers and grandparents. And stand around looking tough. We look so tough. Increasingly, we also really need to take dumps."

I not a Paul McCartney super fan, but I would think his fans would be more shocked if he opened his shows with “Mambo #5.”

Portland, get ready. Full Force has been authorized by the president! youtu.be/Y_kqJqZMArk?...