Of course, had you actually been sucked off, you wouldn't be around this morning to tell everyone what the experience was like.

So, did anyone get sucked off last night by The Raptor?

@thelatrines.bsky.social Safe travels

What an honour for the Heptarchy that the Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social deigned to offer them some of his pearls of wisdom at their annual meeting in Jorvik Now, which one of you lot mixed up the cards, printed in big letters, that I made up for Him to give his speech? No spam for you tonight!

@themeadhallbard.bsky.social This is more your field of expertise, but wasn't Rapturetown sung by Lipps Inc?

@thelatrines.bsky.social Safe travels

Can you imagine if it was @thelatrines.bsky.social that were taken up in the Rapture?

Thank you, dear Banker. Your #Wülferhampton Apothecary recommends all serfs, phantoms and creatures book in for their necessary vaccinations as soon as possible. PS Where did you get that portrait of me? Didn’t realise I was so handsome!

The Banker says on all things medical, listen to the advice of your @apothecaryhelm.bsky.social. And please, please please check your vaccine records. Nasty stuff is reappearing, and it's only going to get worse.

£234 billion

There really are days when #Wülferhampton is a lot saner than the real world.

Happy #FuckOffFriday everyone

The Bank has secured 'The Squirrel Files' belonging to @edcarver.bsky.social. Under The Mercian Financial Code these can only be released to either the owner or The Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social. They are outwith Mercia, so as not to be under threat The Banker - obviously - had to read them...

According to this trusted* source, @psychicsquirrel.bsky.social been involved in 'larceny and debauchery'. You may all rest assured that the return The Banker has brought stability and prudence back to the heart of the Mercian economy. * just don't trust the kebabs

WE SHALL REBUILD IT*! @rootvegserf.bsky.social shall pay his fair dues of tithes, including back pay for the last 10 years This should cover it. *T&Cs applys

Ooh, ooh, I know this one. It's racism isn't it.

I feel seen...

Forging tithe receipts? Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social, this is obviously in flagrant violation of the Mercian Financial Code May I recommend a visit in short order from @theselectfyrd.bsky.social (h/t @psychicsquirrel.bsky.social)

We go live to the courtyard outside the New Vaults @peter-heckel.bsky.social cc @psychicsquirrel.bsky.social @wulfhelm.bsky.social

Just because The Hoard has been safely returned to Wülferhampton doesn't mean that there are any offered to the denizens

Sire @wulfhelm.bsky.social it is time to present you with our first gold Merciacard This is accepted at all the best establishments in Mercia* *The list includes The Mead Hall and - er - that's it

Please share this 🙏 It would mean a lot to me ,having lost my best friend Dominic to Suicide nearly 26 years ago. Dom Curry 🍛 my son is named after him. Love and thanks 😊 Ash x

Prudent management of the affairs of Mercia Long-term plans to increase the wealth of its citizens With the Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social flogging servants, shooting poor people, and extending slavery to anyone who hasn't got a knighthood, we have sensible policies for a happier Mercia

We are here to provide the vigorous Merchant Banker class At least that it what the East Saxonian guttersnipes say to me.

Back to work

And Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social, I just wanted to reassure you that your special documents - the ones that the fair Lady B must *never* see - are still safe within The Vaults. I have taken extra care of those, as we would not want those falling into anyone else's hands now, would we?

As promised, The Banker has returned as a free subject of @wulfhelm.bsky.social . The Hoard is go in The New, New, New Vault. This is beyond the reach of any ne'er-do-wells. The Squirrel @psychicsquirrel.bsky.social has been declared anathema. Tonight, free drinks at The Mead Hall!

The Hoard shall return! I shall book my return flight tomorrow.

The Hoard has been safely rehoused in a safe destination See you all again. Don't know where!

Status update

@wulfhelm.bsky.social @psychicsquirrel.bsky.social @theselectfyrd.bsky.social How did this drey get paid for? Working class squirrel, avoiding stamp duty on a second drey-by-the-sea. We need a full investigation of The Squirrel's financial affairs (amongst other things)

@psychicsquirrel.bsky.social As second-in-command around here to the Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social, will you be resigning over your lack of proper taxation for your drey by the sea?

'And we declare that Reform has won the 2028 General Election' the TV boomed. It was a slim majority, but Farage had got in. Ten. That was all that was needed, 'I congratulate Mr Farage,' the PM said from his declaration, 'I will inform the king to appoint him tomorrow, and then instruct our party

Tribute bands with a medical condition: Acne/DC

It being today, it must be time to revive this golden (maybe slightly tarnished) oldie: www.theguardian.com/books/booksb... #poetry

'Who is this God Person Anyway?' is the 3rd installment in a trilogy written by Oolon Colluphid. The other books are 'Where God Went Wrong' & 'Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes'.

👀 The squirrel IS the bank . . .

Get yer arses sorted on this

Just chillin' And pondering what comes next

The Banker brings you 'Spudlet' Haunted by the ghost of his accountant, the Banker must avenge the loss of a misallocated potato fund. "To hedge, or not to hedge - that is the question."

The Banker will be back in Mercia for a week during August. Staying close - but not too close - to the Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social Apparently, there is a local kid who writes something called 'plays', with silly people dressed up pretending to be other people We may have to see one of them

We bring you an update from the Bastille Day celebrations on our desert island.

I'm sure the Dear Leader @wulfhelm.bsky.social will be delighted to know that his relics are being lent to.... THE FRENCH! www.theguardian.com/culture/2025...

Shooting our videos is a little bit different now.