"If it wasn't for Shohei Ohtani, the Dodgers would never win anything."

The moment we've all been waiting for

If the bread was rye, you must nullify!

A federal judge using the l-word when discussing a government agent’s testimony is … not usual.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T WEMBY!!!

Tommy Tuberville find Nigeria on a map challenge.

We are all textualists now.

So in one courtroom the DOJ is arguing that a sandwich thrown into an armor-wearing officer is a forcible assault while simultaneously in another courtroom DOJ says tackling protestors or shooting them in the head with less lethal munitions does not count as use of force. One rule for thee...

Someone hire me to write a movie script about the sandwich trial titled 12 ANGRY INCHES

ICE won't allow communion to be given in detention centers because demons quail and shiver at the divine presence in the Host.

Mayor of New York is the second worst job in the world because even if you’re doing it right everyone still tells you to suck shit. (Worst job is writing Amazing Spider-Man, for the same reasons)

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this is an obvious overcorrection that misleads the polling data and will lead to disaster in the Heartland. the results of tonight show that the Democrats should moderate: adopting two or at most three of the five pillars of Islam

Population of North plus South Dakota is 1.7 million, so Mandani should also get 4 senate seats.

Rock on New York, Rock on Chicago!

If you're feline, stay feline!

Did anyone already describe the sandwich as IED, Improvised Eatable Device?

"I could smell the onions and mustard."

if mamdani wins it’s a problem because the people who called joe biden a socialist will call us socialists. i’m very smart

"Dear Martha, we've been camped outside Richmond for going on 30 days. Overhead the sandwiches are exploding day and night. The smell of the onions and mustard is overwhelming."

BREAKING: Satan, concerned about regime change, refuses to admit former VP Cheney to Hell. “The lesser demons will greet me as a liberator,” says Cheney.

VP Cheney will be honoured with a 21 gun salute accidentally aimed directly at 21 of his friends

For better or worse my guiding light in politics for more than 20 years has been to not trust anyone who voted to authorize Bush and Cheney's invasion of Iraq and I'll think similarly about anyone pulling the "Cheney did it the right way" nonsense in the next few days

The president of the United States thinks asylum-seekers come from mental asylums. He says it in almost every interview where the topic of migration comes up. How is this not 25th Amendment territory? How is he not an embarrassment to this entire country?

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The Onion is doing straight reporting now!?!?

IF WE HAD TO LOSE RED LOBSTER AND TOYS 'R US THEN WE CAN ALSO THROW OUT THE FASCIST WIZARD WOMAN THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE CMON

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Sure, sounds legit

If your newspaper is giving Donald Trump softer headlines and gauzier coverage than People Magazine, that should be a bit of a wake up call.

every other cartoonist in America is about to have their health care bills AT LEAST doubled. Scott Adams (shitty cartoonist and asshole) gets a phone call from the president

I will never forget, about 15 years ago, when I'd filed a lawsuit against a company that was underpaying its workers, and the attorney for the company showed up in open court and said that our allegations couldn't possibly be true, because it would have been illegal for the employer to do that.

Alan Moore knows the score

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The main thing I’ve learned from his success is that going high and going low aren’t mutually exclusive. You can deliver a message of hope, brotherhood and progress while also pointing out your opponent is a sex creep

This is incorrect, in the Roberts Court it is always Trump that wins.

"I never thought leopards would eat MY face" sobs woman who slathered steak sauce on all her peer's faces and said, "c'mere kitty kitty, eat up, yum yum!" bsky.app/profile/kate...

don't forget to set your clocks back this week if you're one of those fools who believes time is real and also linear

they sell books of property law hypos

It's over Anakin...

Yesterday, on a holiday where kids go door to door connecting with their community, my sweet town was terrorized by government-backed thugs. Our schools locked down. We patrolled the streets, warning vulnerable people to stay inside. Helicopters circled incessantly. ICE get out.

Klingon therapist: "today is a good day to cry."

Your chilly sneer Of cold command Your trunkless legs Upon the sand Once awed the Persian, Turk, And Damascene A pedastal Beside your smirk Proclaims “Look up, You lazy jerk! Behold the mighty work Of great Jolene.”

Mike Pence did not have the courage

all the dads were so stoked about our costumes

Is he the Senator Zodiac of Toronto?