Went to see my slightly deaf aunt: Me: Isn’t it hot? Aunt: What? Me: Hot. I’m sweating like a pig Aunt: What? Me: Sweating. Like a pig. Aunt: No, I’ve shut all the curtains to keep it cool Me: No, me. Sweating like a pig *Turn round to find neighbours looking with interest/disgust*

On the grounds that there’s no bad time to share this video of a squirrel having a jolly good go, here’s this video of a squirrel having a jolly good go

Saw two magnificent Russian Blues today. Unfortunately their owner heard me telling them that, if only they would get in my bag, I would take them home to a life of endless Dreamies and Lick-e-lix.

WONT SOMEONE THINK OF THE FLOOFY CATS IN THIS HEAT!! 🥵 craftysharp.etsy.com They need a cooling cat fainting couch to collapse dramatically onto #Cats #Catsofbluesky #Proofofcat

Millie prayed that, if she stuck to her guns about having ‘found’ the baby, no-one would discover DNA until the brat had grown up and left home. #GirlsOwnCC

I wouldn’t mind but it was really difficult to fit 10 legs in. I thought it looked a bit crowded.

Absolutely furious with myself. Spent ages painting an octopus and I’ve only gone and given it 10 legs! For Pete’s sake, the clue is in the name! #Decopus

Boating party, 1893. Of course baby is along and nobody has a life jacket. Living dangerously with Mary Cassatt, born OTD 1844.

Mother bathing her child’s feet, 1893, by Mary Cassatt. Today is her day.

Dreamt I was watching an orchestral performance and, unusually, in the percussion section was an instrument called the Anchovy. This is a small beautifully cast metal fish which you tap rhythmically on a tin.

Times are difficult but I feel we should take inspiration from this plucky spud

I try not to buy anything from Amazon but, against my better judgement, I ordered @pgwodelouse.bsky.social ‘s excellent book, The Seen and the Unseen. It was accidentally delivered to my neighbour who accidentally opened it. The blurb on the back has, apparently, made him think completely …

Been painting hares today

On Thursday, I bought a trial batch of cat food which is supposed to be irresistible to cats and therefore waste-free. Since then, I have received several texts, a phone call and a reproachful email asking me how Daphne is getting on. Of course, she won’t touch it with a barge pole.

“And now the chorus. ‘Eins, Zwei,Drei …’ What a banger! This is going to do really well in the competition.” #GirlsOwnCC

Enjoy the Sunday caption contest, give away lots of ❤️s, repost to encourage more competitors, include #GirlsOwnCC

Just spent an exhilarating 45 minute rescuing a blue tit which bloody Daphne brought in because she doesn’t like any of the 327 varieties of cat food she’s got. Will was a star. Lured it out with his superior knowledge of blue tit psychology! At times it was like this youtu.be/9X1BKsGY3Yg?...

…. highly commended to everyone who noticed the singularity of limbs, the robot hoover under the sofa, and to @artbookreview.bsky.social who both posted a caption about an aspidistra whilst noting it wasn’t an aspidistra.

Congratulations to the witty winners of last Sunday’s caption contest: 🥇 @thewrongdetail.bsky.social (this one might puzzle anyone unaware of curry house decor in the UK and our post-drinking order-a-curry habits) 🥈 @erburyoldboy.bsky.social 🥉 @sarah-drew.com 4th @heidipeeps.bsky.social and…

The Guardian’s 100 Best Novels turns out to be a list of things I’ve read to page 12. www.theguardian.com/books/ng-int...

I know this is irrelevant but, to me, Andy Burnham always looks like he’s bracing himself to tell the kids that their mum’s run off with the postman.

Lake District. Nice but truculent sheep. Reasonably attractive landscape. Someday people will write poems about this kind of thing.

I did marketing/PR for one where a rollercoaster took a stag’s head off while it was grazing, splattering all the riders with blood

Going on holiday! Leaving in 20 minutes. Haven’t packed yet- although have chosen earrings. First time I’ve been away for 2.5 years. Back Friday #LakeDistrict #What #WithYourKnees?

Forgot-to-check-the-bread bin art.

I illustrated a bookmark for the Bookmark Project who are raising funds for the Katiyo Primary School in Zimbabwe. You can bid on my bookmark or any of the other lovely donated designs here... www.jumblebee.co.uk/auction/deta...

Enjoy the Sunday caption contest, give away lots of ❤️s, repost to encourage more competitors, include #GirlsOwnCC

Congratulations to the witty & smutty winners of the last #GirlsOwnCC 🥇 @herodotuspenguin.bsky.social 🥈 @phlogginganorse.bsky.social 🥉 @libmoggy.bsky.social 4th @artbookreview.bsky.social plus not sure whether to give @reynardo.bsky.social a 🥉 and/or a highly commended for ❤️ comment on a caption

Which Rubbish Seaside scuffer does your birth month insist you are?

Interesting. This must be a new kind of chess where you compete to put the pieces back where they were before you smacked them off the board.

Enjoy the Sunday caption contest, give away lots of ❤️s, repost to encourage more competitors, include #GirlsOwnCC

….highly commended to @kophoogte.bsky.social and even though it’s not a caption, to @janevsw.bsky.social with more to amuse you at #GirlsOwnCC

The witty winners of last Sunday’s caption contest were: 🥇 @diarts1.bsky.social 🥈 @mkmike.bsky.social 🥉 @erburyoldboy.bsky.social 4th @kayemcelle.bsky.social Plus…..

The whole house smells vaguely of halibut 🤢

Now that’s what I call blue!

West of England chums! This week the Boys and I will be in WESTON-SUPER-MARE Tuesday 28th www.parkwoodtheatres.co.uk/playhouse-th... TEIGNMOUTH Friday May 1st www.pavilionsteignmouth.org.uk/events/100-y... EVESHAM Sunday May 3rd uk.patronbase.com/_EveshamArts... See you there!

It’s finished! Elton John Mouse Live in Australia with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra.

Ever since Mary took up piano lessons, 4'33' was definitely a favourite in the McCage household. #GirlsOwnCC

If the Bronte sisters had been born in Surrey. #GirlsOwnCC

Enjoy the Sunday caption contest, give away lots of ❤️s, repost to encourage more competitors, include #GirlsOwnCC

Two helpful* labels on recent purchases: - on a face serum (desperate times, desperate measures) “Use a proper amount” - on pack of tomatoes. “Eat whole or halved” *not in the slightest bit helpful

I don’t understand what there is about a sunny day that makes everybody think they should start drilling stuff.

In the latest Guardian Blind Date: One small step for romance, one giant leap… away from each other when one of them claims the Moon landings were faked. My review:

This, from Anthony Horowitz’s A Deadly Episode, made me laugh: “The second was a documentary, the true story of a celebrity stalker who had, unwisely, attempted to pursue Usain Bolt.”

Sitting in the yard listening to my neighbours reasoning with their dog, Dave. (David if he’s being naughty) “Come on, Dave, you don’t want us to be late. If you don’t get in the car, we’ll have to leave you behind. Do you want that? You won’t be able to get yourself dinner. Be a good boy, David.”

On Shakespeare’s birthday, my most memorable Shakespearean moments: A) counting how many times Mr Cook said sexual in one lesson on Othello (13) B) a performance of The Tempest at Stoke where all the costumes and props were made of raffia C) Derek Jacobi playing Hamlet in Leeds. V good.

Leeds trams update

Please take a moment to marvel at William’s latest joke. Did you hear about the blood-sucking tomb-dwelling parasites who had a massive argument? The police were called to a disturbance caused by the crypt tick cross words