England stagger to tea with a lead of 193 with four 2nd innings wickets left. Despite the horrors this afternoon that's a strong position from which they should win, but as ever never make anything easy. Smith riding his luck for 31 and if he lasts another hour they should be safe (-ish) #ENGvNZ

Oh come on lads I can't keep up with this! Stokes bowled making England's collapse 4 wickets for 1 runs in seven balls. And they're not even playing Australia! 🙄 #ENGvNZ

So much for Brook who's quickly lbw for 0 off just 4 balls and he's immediately followed by Root the same way for 8. England go from comfortable to distinctly wobbly in the space of 10 minutes. Stokes survives the hat trick ball but it's suddenly a very different game... #ENGvNZ

Gay goes for 57 which was a great effort in very tricky conditions for batting. In comes Harry Brook who could go full on Captain Sensible but will probably have a hit and hope which is what he does best #ENGvNZ

And before you all go blaming #TheCricket it's actually Wimbledon's fault for taking the BBC2 slot and shunting the test match to BBC4. At least we're not missing anything, it's just a bit later. Think of it as a bonus hour for an extra beveragino... 🥂 #totp

50 for Emilio Gay! Given England's issues with opening batters a half century on debut for the newbie is just what was required. Many will have had easier debuts than this but he's rapidly found his confidence. Proper cricket shots too. Penny for Zak Crawley's thoughts right now... 🤔 #ENGvNZ

It was all going so well until Henry bowled Bethell with a batter's worst nightmare. A peashooter, daisy cutter or mullygrubber - a ball that when it lands barely bounces and goes straight under the defences. Gay battling valiantly on 37 and now Joe Root in to the fray #ENGvNZ

England reach lunch without disaster as only Duckett is dismissed for 33. Gay hanging in despite a few iffy moments but he's set to bat this afternoon with Jacob Bethell. Weather still splendid and all set for England to create a winning position. Possibly.. #ENGvNZ

Oh piss off Piers Morgan! #ENGvNZ

England wrap up New Zealand for 113 giving them a lead of 27. Not a great hill of beans in test cricket but an unexpected bonus given their first go. NZ down to three bowlers with Henry unfit so England can cash in. Doesn't mean they will of course but it's a crucial next hour to lunch #ENGvNZ

Tongue does it again! This time Nathan Smith leaves his bat in the air only to see the ball hit the top of his off stump. With Jamieson flinging his bat at everything England might be batting again very soon #ENGvNZ

Tongue strikes with his first ball, bowling the dangerous Phillips who had provided most resistance in New Zealand's innings. England will want to finish them for under 100 now, especially with the Kiwis a bowler down #ENGvNZ

Nice day in south London and not too grim up north of the river either so day 2 of the #ENGvNZ test is good to go! After yesterday's turbocharged effort England will want to finish off NZ asap then bat considerably better than they did yesterday for a match winning lead. That's the theory anyway...

Bad light ends an extraordinary day with New Zealand trailing England by 79 runs with 4 first innings wickets remaining. Sounds reasonable for the end of a second or third day but on a rain interrupted day 1 it's bonkers. England with an unexpected advantage but who knows what's to come? #ENGvNZ

Now Josh Tongue bowls Blundell with a 90mph rocket. In to the bowlers now with Stokes coming on hoping for some rabbit pie #ENGvNZ

Mitchell does a Jamie Smith, holding his bat high in the air as the ball rearranges his stumps. Great piece of bowling by Robinson (like Jamieson earlier) and New Zealand slip to 20/5 which is proper trouble. Ben Stokes will probably fancy a bowl soon too... #ENGvNZ

Gus Atkinson joins the party trapping kiwi captain Tom Latham lbw. No need for the review as his team sink to 12/4. Just need the light to hold and England can look forward to batting tomorrow #ENGvNZ

England strike back. Conway's review can't save him from being lbw to the returning Robinson for just 1. England would love to do the same to Kane Williamson as soon as they can #ENGvNZ

England struggle through to 140 all out thanks to Bashir and Tongue who sent a message to some of their more illustrious batting colleagues. Now to get their own back with the ball in helpful conditions #ENGvNZ

Kyle Jamieson gets his fifth wicket almost without realising as Robinson's lame waft just touches the ball as it goes through the keeper. Barely an appeal but then a review showed what had happened. At least England will be bowling soon to try and level things up #ENGvNZ

Always annoying to see players going off for bad light when the floodlights are on but England won't be complaining as they languish at 118/8. They're beyond repair for this innings now and can only hope their bowlers can perform as well as the Kiwis, especially Jamieson who'll want his 5th #ENGvNZ

Brook gave it a go and gave it away. Third strike and this time he's out as Jamieson makes no mistake on the long leg boundary. Scored almost half England's runs so far so credit for that but nowhere near good enough from the rest of the team #ENGvNZ

Despite his test 100 Atkinson at 8 seems a place too high and makes the English tail a worryingly long one. Robinson 'can' bat but there are no guarantees. Brook now needs to ride his luck even further to get them to something even vaguely respectable #ENGvNZ

Thanks Rachin, we'll take all the help we can get right now. Second life for Brook as he's dropped inexplicably but not exactly the safest shot we've ever seen #ENGvNZ

Just as Stokes and Brook were starting to get England back on the front foot, the skipper edges Jamieson to slip where Williamson takes a sharp low catch. Any thought that Saint Kane might not have taken it cleanly are soon dispelled and Stokes trudges off for 12. And now the tail 😱 #ENGvNZ

Oh dear. Jamie Smith momentarily forgets he's holding a big piece of wood in his hands and Kyle Jamieson takes advantage by removing his off stump. 55/5 as Captain Stokes comes to the rescue... #ENGvNZ

Wait? What?? Had a lunchtime nap not expecting them back so soon only to hear England were 3 down only for Root to follow. O'Rourke is a big beast of a bowler and Smith ran through Ireland last week so it's going to be hard work for Harry Brook to salvage something from here #ENGvNZ

Rain inevitably starts after 45 minutes. England have survived well for the loss of just one wicket and can put their feet up for a while as the skies are gloomy. Remember you can mute #ENGvNZ to opt out of any more of this in depth insight...

And continuing the tradition of England opening batters, Emilio Gay is out for 8. Bring back Zak? #ENGvNZ

Test Match Special gleefully celebrating another new England player from a posh public school where he was coached by a former international batter. Maintaining the traditions of the game... 🙄 #ENGvNZ

Here we go! Rain holding off for now and ready for a prompt start at Lord's. New Zealand have put England in to bat with their battery of seriously skilled fast bowlers. Welcome to test cricket Emilio Gay, this will be tougher than his previous international experience with Italy #ENGvNZ

It's the most wonderful time of the year! If you want to avoid my ruminations about England v New Zealand the hashtag to mute is #ENGvNZ but with Tongue and Gay both playing for England there's bound to be some fun along the way. And of course, the sound of the summer 😀 youtu.be/L0T8Lc2FzNo?...

A picture that captures your essence

I heard you the first time, history. You can stop repeating yourself.

Remember when the Buzzcocks said "Everybody's Happy Nowadays"? Well it seems like we've reached the 180° opposite of that today. Can't remember a day more full of hate, anger, anger at hate and general frustration at everything. Hope it passes. Maybe a good tune will help 😀 youtu.be/pf2DgSJuUHc?...

Coming soon... Human Resources: The Movie. This time it's Personnel.

Capsey in Wonderland! England's Alice Capsey led her team to a huge victory over India winning their series 2-1. Out for 82 going for the winning hit she dominated all the bowlers along with Heather Knight who ended her poor run with 70. All set now for next week's World Cup! #TheCricket #ENGWvINDW

Fun date night idea: maintaining unblinking eye contact with her at a karaoke event whilst you sing There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths.

Regret to inform you that a contestant on Bridge of Lies has chosen the answer "Dusty Bin was a mascot on Fifteen to One" 🙄

Proper thunder at last! It's been a while. Now bring on the lightning! ⛈️⛈️⛈️

This Must be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads 🤍 youtu.be/nP8JhOSps_0?...

That actually went quite well. Spoke with an enthusiastic woman from somewhere in Mittel Europa who got the things I was saying about myself. There are no magic wand cures but what she does seems to fit it in with the sort of thing I think I need so here's hoping 😀

Got to talk to another Psychologist in half an hour. Teams and laptop camera all set up. This one is basically an audition to see if I'm worth bothering with for future 1-2-1 talking therapy so will be on my best behaviour. Been 9 months since I spoke to anyone professional at least plenty to say

Marmite! #Mmmmmm 😀

Post a poster you used to have on your wall

Idly channel hopping and I've only gone and found Anthea Turner presenting on a shopping channel! Today it's Mould Magic (removes all your mould from the spore), fabric conditioner and loo cleaner. All on Anthea's Essentials on musthaveideas.tv Freeview 96 if you can't wait for her next #totp!

June??? Don't be ridiculous! It's still April isn't it...? 🤨

If that bloke on #NobodysFool was really a clairvoyant, shouldn't he have seen that coming..? 🤔

I only managed 7 but looking at some of the drawings maybe that's not actually that bad... www.monkeon.co.uk/look-in-star...

If Farridge is really upset about not being invited on Desert Island Discs, then probably best not tell him they did have Enoch Powell as a castaway in 1989. Unsurprisingly he chose four pieces by Wagner (one from each part of The Ring Cycle) and three by Beethoven. I feel sorry for Sue Lawley..