Starting to think the G in GTA VI stands for Godot

BOOKED IT!!!! I’ll be the one jumping a pyrotechnic monster truck over the stadium stage at Dick Cheney’s funeral

Looked it up and my protein powder is not one of the lead ones so it would seem that I’m just like this 💪

Thick uncut jib

THE ROCK: We have no choice. To save the universe and destroy Destructucus we need to activate the Smashing Machine. GROOT: (solemn) I am Groot. THEO VON: Then it is decided.

Guy who only uses “fam” in work emails but nowhere else

We cannot let this happen. If the government shuts down, then it won’t be able to provide vital functions that serve us like uh UHhhh hmm oh haha huh uhhhhh UHHH [prolonged coughing] um heh uhhhh hmm

My most toxic trait is that no matter how many Twilight Zone, Monkey’s Paw ass narratives I consume… I feel like immortality would be cool as hell for me

Mr. Judge, I realize that these hundreds of DMs may irritate you, but your silence regarding the relative widths of the other King of the Hill characters’ urethras remains deafening

i had a life-changing appetizer recently (sauteed green beans tossed in chili crisp, with ground italian sausage and cashews) that is going to become a regular meal in the rotation

First Charlie Kirk, then Jimmy Kimmel… check on your white guys who never left their home town they are NOT okay

Hypothetically speaking, just as like a philosophical thought exercise, I’m pondering what the appropriate and proportional response would be to a guy touring around the country saying the government should exterminate your girlfriend

For some reason thinking about a guy who shoots himself in the foot while trying to shoot a puppy and then shoots you in the face for laughing at him

I am once again left to wonder what all these “violence is not the answer” people think we beat the Nazis with last time

Conspiracy theorists speculating this was some kind of well-trained sniper when the shooter missed *this* head

Having a really good day. Can’t even really say why. Just grinning and humming to myself. Spring in my step. Etc. Something in the air I guess!

Sure boss. I don’t know what “accountable” means but I’d love to be held.

If science is so “reliable” why hasn’t it created a plastic container that can survive one (1) encounter with curry

Imagine how racist you have to be if you need to imagine a brown guy getting mad to enjoy BACON

Keep seeing this ad for pasta where someone’s stirring a big pot of Mac & Cheese saying “can you believe this is gluten free?” and… yes. As soon as it turns to ash in my mouth and despair rings cold in my heart… yes

I think if you see someone reading in public and assume they’re doing it performatively that says rather more about you than it does them, and I think it’s bad for us to develop a cultural stigma around reading, a thing we shouldn’t be trying to discourage, in public or anywhere

I’m not an optimistic person at all. I can keep going because I genuinely think it is reasonable to believe that people who value diverse perspectives and utilize critical thinking to guide their behavior are very equipped to triumph over people who devoted their lives to one book they didn’t read

I don’t semen retain but I do practice intermittent busting

I love going to parties and doing the Italian Goodbye (ambiguous cut to black with no explanation)

Depression has crossed the poetry event horizon and has entered the cult singularity. Seeking a Godhead to promise me superpowers and fuck my wife ASAP

The Vice President is the United States’ highest ranking national intern

Moving the Overton Window? How about we close the Overton Door!! ERROR CODE 7493058726: this user has been extrajudicially turned into a lil pile o goo

Experiencing a level of depression that is dangerously poetry-adjacent today

Unsurprising. Woody Allen is a devoted MONOGAMOUS pedophile

people are so mad about this but you can read between the lines. Nintendo is saying they are poly

I get that South Park making Trump have a tiny dick and be gay for Satan is not exactly incisive, but there is an art to making fun of someone in a way so stupid that they sound ridiculous if they get mad about it, and yet so mean that they still very much get super mad about it

Bethesda should stop making games and instead use their existing tech to make smart glasses that remember where you left every object you've ever touched

Babe, are you a Cake cover band? Because I want to be in you with a few close friends who would take it seriously just enough to have fun.

The more I think about Eddington, the more I think it's ludicrous to think it's politically centrist, that it doesn't meet the moment, etc. The whole film is structured around the set-up and payoff of false accusations made by white men against brown and black people. Like that's the whole movie

*SPOILERS* if you saw Eddington, a movie where paramilitary contractors dressed as antifa stage terrorist attacks on behalf of a predatory megacorporation in the most unsubtle possible way, and your take is that it’s centrist or “has nothing to say” I have no idea how to treat what’s wrong with you

Twin Peaks ass dialogue

I feel like we owe Kojima an apology because he’s like “This is my villain, Corrupto Moneyguy. He controls the media and eats children.” As it turns out, this is a nuanced and accurate view of global politics.

All I know is I’m trying to live a life where a documentarian never has a reason to circle me in a still photograph

My problem with the Charmin bears is that sometimes you meet people like that. Sometimes you go over to a friend's house in elementary school and their older brother farts and their dad talks about farting and you're like "ohhhh I guess this is a fart family." The Charmin bears are a shitting family

Why does Amy Coney Barrett always look like she showed up late to the church picnic because she was busy drowning her children in the bathtub

son you're more usless'n a linkedin job alert

“There are no atheists in foxholes” Yeah man we’re at da orgy

🎶this little light of mine🎶 🎶I’m gonna let it die🎶

This is what Andrew Cuomo looks like to me

My brain is broken because this chilling first image immediately conjured the latter