Hell is empty, And all the devils are here.

People: no one could have seen this coming Historians: we literally warned you Journalists: here’s why historians are destroying education

Committing a crime and writing “Vinny,” “E,” “Drama,” and “Turtle” on the shell casings to throw off investigators.

I’m not currently reading Agatha Christie by a crackling fireplace on a snowy day whilst indulging in multiple cups of tea and freshly-baked scones, so no, I’m afraid your email didn’t “find me well”.

You're all playing chess. I'm playing online blackjack. I converted the kids' college fund to something called MGMCoin and I'm down all of it. Rent-a-Center is knocking on my door and I turned all the lights off, but they're not leaving. None of my hot sauces are holding their value on eBay.

Two stages of writing: 1) This shouldn't take too long 2) Oh no

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

I have to go walk the dog, but I will leave this question here before I go: how much testing for typhus is there?

I am saying this as a friend. Do not invite me to your wedding

We all need to let Trump do the most heinous things possible. let em see what they voted for.

nice echo chamber you got there would be a shame if you just kept on enjoying it and got a lot of fulfillment from it and lived your life happily and it never adversely affected your mental health

False alarm, everyone! Jets lost, all’s well.

Knock down MetLife, electrify the Sports Branch, turn the whole thing into the biggest housing development since Co-Op City

disappointed to learn that Polymarket is a prediction market and not, as I had assumed, an anarcho-capitalist sex party

This is what a rocket launch looks like from space.

I put my anxiety-ridden dog on Prozac because she refused to go for walks and now she's bold and confident about refusing to go for walks.

"bluesky is cooking it's really taking off" i have not yet seen a teenager posting stuff like 'you dont miss your dead dog you miss uncritical affection from someone who can't challenge you' so no i do not agree

bro: you let your dog sleep in your bed? me: bro, i’d let my dog borrow my car if he needed it

Clearly, the Jets have no choice but to fire Robert Salah again.

beginning to believe that the actions i take inside my home cannot and do not affect the outcomes of national basketball association games

I never wanted to live in interesting times.

caller 12 you're on bluesky at night what's on your mind

I like BlueSky because I can say something funny about Aaron Rodgers and not have 700 replies from Joe Rogan bros wondering if I like being poor

Rodgers went into the blue tent to call RFK Jr. and ask if there are any jobs open at HHS

Hi Everyone! Happy to be here.