I hate living in the Asshole Cinematic Universe. “So the King of Pedophiles got the 4chan guy to make the Nazi board and that’s why the host of Celebrity Apprentice was made immune to laws by the Tradcath Illuminati. This has something to do with video game journalism, maybe?” Fuck off.

Not me manifesting Ruby Mild as the next beer trend

Writing a post about how you're not going to participate in the general strike because it might affect your business is really kinda missing the whole fucking point my dudes

It is already illegal to do that. Can you ban something else. Think of something. Anything. Improv. Go nuts.

The hero we needed

PITTSBURGH PARKING TERLET

“are you scared of a fucking whistle dawg” has been knocking around my head all day

The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time thehardtimes.net/blog/the-nex...

Went to a show on a hill in the middle of a snowmageddon, parked in a snow drift, saw @savagegardner.bsky.social, unearthed car from snow drift, didn't die, had fun

if you’re having a bad morning just think that you could be the person in the philadelphia office of emergency management who sent out a citywide text alert with a link to chubbyparade dot com

My mayor told me the snow storm keeps breaking his snowplows so I asked how many plows he has and he said he just goes to DPW and gets a new plow afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding snow plows to the storm and then his community started crying.

new Hold Steady lyrics dropped

I don’t think demoting one guy will cut it when public polling suggests and basic morality demands something more like woodchippers are the moderate position

WPXI coming in hot with the most Pittsburgh comment on snow removal that has ever been quoted. www.wpxi.com/news/local/l...

It's going to snow all day Saturday! The snow is going to start at noon Saturday!! The snow will start Saturday at 7pm!!! The snow is coming at midnight!!!!! It will absolutely start snowing at 2am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Ashli Babbitt got clipped, that crazy bítch did it to herself. But Alex Pretti, fückin' tragedy is what that is.

ICE is now responsible for 66% of the homicides in Minneapolis this year.

2am at the club when all the lights come on

Panicked Ben Shapiro Puts Wet Wife into Big Bag of Rice thehardtimes.net/culture/pani...

Got a Chicken Latino chicken quesadilla for lunch and the thing must've weighed 8 pounds, easily a 3 mealsadilla, swear on my life it had an entire chicken's worth of meat on it and their green sauce makes me want to air punch a hole in the sky. 25/10, Chicken Latino forever.

In the 2010s, the Icelandic tv station Channel 2 accidentally added subtitles from a gritty crime drama to an episode of Teletubbies. I have translated some of the highlights

"the fuck does the health department need a best by date on salt?? It's a fuckin rock" #CookQuotes

Sunday Pupper

"did Moses take Adderall? No, he took peyote and that's good enough for me" #CookQuotes

Fückin' guy's gonna ruin everything over some fückin' ice patch in the Arctic. Príck.

Really feeling like ontrac shipping is just a front to steal everything they're supposed to deliver

Hey @uaw.org quick question, this you?

QR codes for ICE is hilarious, like they’re a restaurant menu that shoots people in the face.

In retrospect, I wish I hadn't stored my callback library of every joke and thought for the last ten years exclusively on the website now run as a right-wing propaganda machine by the world's most odious megabillionaire. Oh well. Live and learn.

scanning the QR code of the ICE agent choking me out and it’s the menu to applebees

"we need the murderous police to arrest the murderous ICE agents even though they are all working together" do you hear yourself

First weekend in January is slow for restaurants they said, surely won't spend 14 hours on your feet they said...

Also, put your address and hours in your social media bios ya filthy animals, make it easier for me to throw money at you

Beautiful x

They're jerkin' off in Waymos, T. There's nobody else in there, so they're beatin' it. Sick shıt.

"guy with a don't tread on me flag dresses up as a nameless agent of state power and rains lethal force on someone who mildly inconvenienced him" is the last few decades of that flag wrapped in a single murder

American conservatives will look you right in the eye with a straight face and tell you that complete and utter subservience to masked federal police is patriotism, anything else deserves being executed in the street, and tax dollars for healthcare is tyranny.

PileZ would never

Kinda sucks how one day you’ll post stuff like “does the Grinch use the toilet?” and then the next it has to be “I reject those who worship death”

lowkey the world isn’t actually that dangerous, right wingers just made it that way

Logging on

We need a slur for dudes who throw their used zyns in the urinal

With the utmost disrespect, I wish all you carpet walkers a very unpleasant re-entry to "work" tomorrow. Thanks for all the business, but fucks fucking sake y'all been feral for like a month now

"if I had a toupé, I'd name it Kristen" #CookQuotes