ARREST MY ENEMIES, MAKE SINKS COST MORE, NO MORE WINDMILLS, BRING ME MY GENERALS, GOLF GOLF GOLF, BLOW UP SOME BOATS, ARE DONKEYS REAL OR MADE UP, COUCHES ARE TOO CHEAP, ESCALATORS ARE SCAR

Dave Matthews has the opportunity to do the funniest thing.

"Is that a promise ring!?" "Yeah, I promise you're dumb" #CookQuotes

So odd, this - because one of MAGA's greatest fears, and reasoning for a literal terror campaign is 'men dressing up as something they are not and assaulting women'.

No wonder I can't read a bus schedule, been taking the wrong shit

Happy Rapture Day to all those celebrating. Use the code "RISEN" for $50 back on your first 3 game parlay over $666 on DraftKings.

It's all fun and games until a cop handles a Tylenol gelcap with no gloves and within seconds their socks are bothering them.

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

At this point Wendy's Allegheny Avenue is more iconic than South Side Burger King

"I think that's what they call it when ladies goon, working the bean field" ##CookQuotes

"I'd happily shit your pants before I told anyone I shit my pants" #CookQuotes

At least I didn't put my underpants on upside down ass kinda day

This entire day felt like an underpants on inside out kinda day, turns out it was an underpants on backwards day.

getting the special starbucks order honoring charlie kirk (flat white with a hole poked in the side of the cup)

Don't worry guys, I have a genius plan to stop political violence. Step 1: Make elite consensus be that the mild peaceful disapproval be treated as equivalent to violence. Step 2: Have the government openly violate the law in a manner which proves it nonbinding. Step 3: Crash the economy.

So I don't like cops.

Can't even say that Charlie Kirk got offed by a MAGA Republican no more without getting canceled. It ain't right, T.

historians in future generations will have to address the many various ways that former hosts of The Man Show intersected with America‘a trajectory as a nation

Same energy.

[the shooter is unidentified] the left must be purged with the sword [the shooter is, again, a compulsive masturbator who loved Hitler] I believe it was pascal who said that the heart has reasons that reason may not know

Which lasted longer, the Cracker Barrel Logo Civil War or the Charlie Kirk Civil War or the Black Person in Star Wars Civil War or the Trans Woman Drinks a Bud Light Civil War or the Brown M&M Is No Longer Sexy Civil War or the Land O' Lakes Logo Civil War or the Someone Shot At Trump Civil War or t

Really, at the end of the day, who can say whether "black bagging innocent people and sending them to death camps" or "posting pig poop balls in a journalist's replies" is the more depraved act of violence?? (they can, and it's pig poop balls)

no offends if this is you but if you're thinking "this is going to make the right do fascism" they're already there. they blew up a boat with 11 people on it for being immigrants. they're kidnapping US citizens and trying to rendition them to Uganda. do you think we're on a trajectory to peace

Among other things, today sets a record for the number of times i've typed things, erased them, and sent them to the group chat

They are forcibly detransitioning people. They are denying life saving abortion care. They used the lifeless body of Adriana Smith as an incubator without her or her family's consent. They are denying millions vaccines which prevent deadly & chronic illness. These too are violence.

Literally watching Lebowski right now for the first time since hearing the "Donny is a figment of Walter's imagination" conspiracy and it's got legs

If you're the naked guy driving on 279 right now, the cops are too busy to look for you. Be free, King.

The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State” thehardtimes.net/blog/the-nex...

“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy

this bread is terrible. but the circuses? also really terrible

Restaurants be like "nobody wants to eat out anymore" and have these fuck ass chairs that give you taint cramps before your jalapeno poppers are even in the fryer

We gotta get rid of these fuck ass chairs, nobody can sit in this

South Side is so back

if your lawyer has a cybertruck you are NOT getting your kids in the divorce

Good, now tear down that whole fucking mirror on top of a hill ass building down

I use this word a lot but it feels increasingly like we have moved beyond ‘enshittification’ as a kind of side effect of increasing profits to just outright ‘enscamification’

Breaks my dang heart to see my restaurant friends simp for that PG food rat

Reminder - don't talk to reporters from the Post Gazette and don't share stories from them. This is Pittsburgh for god's sake - don't cross picket lines!

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. filling an IV bag from a murky puddle near Trump National's sixth tee. "The president needs parameciums," he tells the assembled media. "It's the only treatment proven to work in real testing." His golf cart is piled high with dozens of dead birds.

Can you bet on "it" yet? Like what's the line on it happening on 9/11 because I'm all in

Doomscrolling is a lot more fun when you're rooting for the doom

I heard Trump correctly pronounced China and Fox News took him out back and they shot him

I will remind folks those images of Nazi book burnings aren't burning just any books. They're burning the library of Magnus Hirschfeld; a gay, Jewish doctor who created an institute dedicated to LGBTQ sex education and healthcare. And a man who pioneered gender affirming care surgeries.

Ordered an “only you can prevent fascism” t-shirt which is stuck in a country refusing to ship to the U.S. due to the fascism.