"I wish someone would come up with a way to get young men to follow current events" <finger on monkey's paw curls>

This Thanksgiving, I'm giving thanks that Howard Zinn died before he could accept funding from Epstein.

my name is ozymandias, king of kings. look upon my works, seek medical attention for looks lasting more than four hours

My favorite thing to do with catfishers is to ask them to send me a pic with a ✌️ (Check the ring finger)

What's the threshold for a family to get labeled as a "crime family"? I feel like it's gotta be more than a mom and pop or father and son team. Maybe at least 5 people, spanning multiple generations and including some extended members like cousins and uncles?

Has there been a recorded death from a smart device internet outage? Imagine surviving Y2k only to be crushed to death by a matress www.dexerto.com/entertainmen...

Can it run Doom?!?!

The best part of Tron: Ares was when he said "IT'S TRONNIN' TIME!" and tronned all over those guys

Well don't I feel stupid

George had a test question--if two cars collide head on at 60 mph, how much of the energy is carried away in gravitational waves. And then what if the cars are going 0.5c. We asked what the answer was, he said he didn't know and needed to see what the students said. apc.u-paris.fr/en/memory-ge...

It’s only the rapture if it’s from the Rapturé region of France. Otherwise it’s just sparkling spiritual psychosis ✨

There are some corners of the internet saying the rapture will be this Tuesday.

Even their cocaine crashes!

If interstellar objects were sent by extraterrestrials, how would we know? This paper outlines some of the techniques (and points out that the 3 we have are likely just comets) 🔭☄️🧪

Look, if your offensive line isn't orcs, it's not really fantasy football.

Maybe black holes aren’t cannibals that “eat” each other, but rather polyamorous lovers who merge with multiple partners, ever-expanding their giant love fest into a larger and larger solar mass orgy.

🚬

Eating the shrimp will not turn me into Shrimp-man. Eating the shrimp will not turn me into Shrimp-man. Eating the shrimp will not turn me into Shrimp-man. Eating the shrimp will not turn me into Shrimp-man. Eating the shrimp will not turn me into Shrimp-man. Eating the shrimp will not turn me into

Just got told I can’t gate check my bag because the flight has “weight restriction”. So I have to carry it on. Now, I don’t usually flex my advanced Physics training, but I do want to let @alaskaairlines.bsky.social know the weight of my bag doesn’t change if it’s in a different part of the plane.

Can @colbertlateshow.bsky.social‬ invite Conan on to revive (or just steal) his "Comedy bits that aren't so much funny as they are crazy expensive". It's the only mature response to being canceled when you have great ratings.

I realize not everyone who follows me knows this but 50 Shades *literally* started as Twilight fanfic. I don’t mean “their personalities are similar.” I mean “the name only changed from Edward to Christian for copyright reasons.”

the skyviewer app really shows some incredible stuff out there just the utter density is humbling tbh

that's not to say it's not worth profiling but it needs to be "these people are fucked up and let me tell you about their fucked up wedding"

Me: What if instead of a cat there’s a shark in the box Schrödinger: You’re missing the point but it's pretty badass

I don't think the guy who claims to have gotten a black eye from playing with his kid will colonize Mars.

God, what have you done? He's a woke Marxist Pope And he don't like the Cubs

me, hour 24 of the conclave: this could have been an email

Purely hypothetically, as an intellectual exercise, what would happen if some US funding agencies declared an embargo on some (non-classified) scientific data and low-res jpegs posted in a slack channel and then someone filed a FOIA request for that channel?

There really aren't that many songs about rainbows. I can think of like, two

Capturing exotic animals and having them fight for entertainment before passing them off to a professor.

Obama attended the funerals of GHW Bush and Carter, and has the potential to attend those of GW Bush, Biden, and Trump. Has any other president attended 5 or more presidential funerals?

🦉 Happy Twin Peaks Day to all that celebrate 🦉

Manager: "What's this milestone 'Living on a prayer' ?" Me: "That's the documentation deliverable." Manager: "What's the status of that?" Me: "We're halfway there" Manager: "Why is progress so slow?" Me: "You fired Tommy" Manager: "So?" Me: "Tommy used to work on the docs"

Oh my gosh they Hallelujah’ed Personal Jesus

inside of me are two Beowulfs and i’ve been asked not to return to the library

Kid in CS class: When am I ever going to need to know about floating point precision in real life? me:

Just submitted a conference abstract because there’s a good steak house down the street from the venue I want to go back to

I'm really uncomfortable with people saying this about their step-ladder

Data science challenge: Who is the inverse Robbie Williams? I.e., an American megastar that sells out stadiums that Brits have absolutely never heard of. Someone who has multiple #1 hits, but never charted above 30 in the UK.

This mosh pit is pretty weak actually

fun first date idea: go to olive garden and reenact the entire first lord of the rings movie using only salad ingredients and breadsticks

ME: Is he going to make it? DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness ME: *crying* oohwahahahah DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah

It’s Friday, so here’s a dog on an axolotl squishmellow bed

where you see only one set of footprints in the sand, my child, that is where redbull gave you wings

This time around, the Kennedys are assassinating us.