When I was learning English, I thought people meant vampires.

I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY GODDAMNED MIND.

I want really bad things to start happening to bad people and I want it to start right fucking now.

Watching the Lilith Fair documentary and all I can think of is how insane it was that I didn't realize I was fully bisexual until my late 30s.

Every day of his miserable life Trump is shuttled between rooms by a series of viziers who all look like a racist version of Dobby to talk to women who all got the same surgery to look like Skyrim NPCs and here comes this communist who look…he look so beautiful

Meeting Mamdani and immediately wanting to make out with him is the one and only time this president has been relatable.

he hangs out in group chats with teenaged nazis, so there’s that

I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE BAD THINGS WE ARE NOT MEANT TO LIVE IN CONSTANT MISERY.

they used to make real soundtracks for a movie

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

Hey so “underage girls” are…children. The word you’re looking for is children. They’re not like, women-in-waiting or women-lite or whatever. They’re children. I think some of you are very uncomfortable with what that means for you but it is still true.

Columbo in his first episode looks like a dog that's just come back from the groomer

As a kindergarten teacher this makes me want to throw up.

It's my yearly reminder that the state of South Carolina hates the troops, because I don't have tomorrow off.

writing it "f*ck" sickens me. a coward's curse. say fuck or find a different word. get that nasty starfish asshole out of my sight

What is it like to not be on the verge of a panic attack literally every second of every day, because I sure as shit don't remember.

Is each check going to be for millions of dollars oooooooor?

I made a comment about my age in passing during a parent teacher conference today and the mom literally stopped me mid sentence and was like excuse me you're how old? And then went on to say how I look MUCH younger than that and now her kid is my favorite.

And then the Fire Nation attacked

The painful irony here is what the President is celebrating as a win is actually a massive corporation highlighting how fucking poor they know their customers are in his economy. They know no one who is buying Thanksgiving dinner at Walmart can afford last year’s meal at today’s prices.

Decided that it'd be fun to watch Only Murders in the Building with my kids and I'd forgotten about this line. My youngest was like wait what's that mean and my oldest looked like he wanted to kill himself. It's still fun tho, all finger-fucking aside.

I reunited a dog that has been missing for more than THREE weeks with her owner today and it was the best. 10/10. One million stars. Highly recommend.

All the right people are furious today. Feels fucking great.

The only election happening in my town yesterday was a city council at large seat and the person I voted for is a good person who actually gives a shit and they won. I've lived in SC for 12 years now and this has never happened before. It's nice!! Feels good!!

sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively

Dressed up as a ladybug version of myself today.

It has been raining all week and that means there's been no outdoor recess for my kinders all week and you might think to yourself "twenty minutes outside doesn't make or break a day" and you'd be fucking wrong. And then multiply that by 3.

What an absolute piece of shit.

Not to be dramatic, but I think owning these shoes would fix me.

I think I've said this before, but in case I haven't, going through perimenopause in this particular moment in history fucking suuuuuuucks.

This is the second story I've seen on social media that proves a theory I've have: A lot of "good" white people are way too comfortable around racists and that's why we are where we are as a country and why nothing is going to change.

A thing about me is that I'll love every season of Only Murders in the Building. Doesn't really matter if it's that good or not, I'm into it. The guest stars, the over reaching little mysteries. I love it. I. Love. It.

you probably haven’t seen CONFESS, FLETCH but you definitely should, and also there should be at least 3 more of these

Watching Black Bag again and it's labeled as a spy thriller, but it is a romance. I am right about this.

Jane Austen's 250th birthday is coming up in December and I hope you'll celebrate by taking a turn about the room, acquiring a passion for dead leaves & closet shelves, and taking a fancy to the last person you could ever be prevailed upon to marry.

It sounds crazy but I promise you: if you just put your phone aside and read for half an hour each night before bed, it will change your life.

the Muppets have been real quiet since the Louvre heist

Just finished Mr. Scorsese and it was great, but they completely ignore Hugo which is weird because it's so fucking great? It felt like a weird omission.

The most exciting thing about the Louvre robbery is that maybe they'll make a good heist movie about it.

Not the worst part of *everything*, but the fact that they named it the one big beautiful bill is just so fucking embarrassing for them.

It is WILD to me that so many people out there think Jesus would be a Nazi.

I’m still thinking about this, actually. School kids go through mass shooter drills these days the way we went through fire drills when we were their age. And it’s OUR fault. The least we can do is let them have their own ridiculous and loud JOY. “6-7” makes it them laugh and they’ve EARNED it.

Watching Mr. Scorsese and it's just me quietly whispering "he was so fucking hot" over and over and over again.

It’s so funny that for the past week republicans have all been like “the only people out there are gonna be Hamas.” Everyone in this crowd is signed up for Kohl’s rewards points.

Larry David responding to the critics of Life of a Showgirl's most-maligned song

If someone lets you into a lane that you really have no business being in, you should aggressively wave to show your appreciation and if you don't, you're an asshole who deserves the worst in life.

Men assume Pride & Prejudice is a Hallmark romance when the plot is driven by the Bennet sisters’ fear of starvation because they will be homeless when their father dies. It’s a book about money, about people, and those who dismiss it as saccharine fluff are cheating themselves.

I saw someone suggest that we should boycott during Black Friday cancel Christmas and when your kids ask why there are no gifts.......tell them ICE arrested Santa because he came in illegally.

Trying to fleece my boomer parents as god intended.