GM: Charisma check. Mamdani: [rolls natural 20] GM: that’s a d6 how did you Mamdani: [direct to camera] Did you know you can check out board games at your local public library? 😊

My tummy has the troubles, as it often does. My husband was like "I assume you don't want ice cream?" and I was like "eh, might as well, it already hurts"

A small landlord is a person who rents out their basement apartment in their house. A person who owns a building is just a landlord-landlord.

Velociraptors had feathers

the people who work at these facilities are the real heroes of society to me

everybody shut the fuck up, my show is on!

love the decision to find a picture where he's being kind of french

You might not think Signal counts as "military-grade intelligence." But you'd be forgetting that our actual military uses Signal to plan covert air strikes on foreign countries while accidentally including Jeffrey Goldberg.

The carpool was scandalized theat my kid refuses to root for team USA in Olympic hockey, but I told them he's just honoring his 1/16th Canadian heritage

Mamdani and JD Vance are the two most influential millennial men in the US right now and they're like Mario and Wario if Wario wore guyliner

He is adorable

The way I had to zoom in to make sure this wasn't my worst ex boyfriend

Was this very mid-2000s emo person press-ganged into ICE servitude?

I assure you, you cannot make a sophisticated database in google docs

in the early 2000s we had bright purple ketchup just for the fun of it!

Chiitan loves good transgender people🏳️‍⚧️ In today's world, even making these kinds of statements will get you slandered, but I think it's more important to create a world where transgender people can live peacefully and be themselves, so I will continue to send out messages until my account is deleted

My company's new CEO looks like Mr bean

Someone write a sliding doors novel where the difference is Reader didn't get killed (I honestly think we would not at all be where we are now if people had still had blogs to read instead of scrolling social media)

What is the current temperature in your house? Mine is 79, but it should cool off about five degrees overnight

Just found the scholarship letter for penultimate year in university. Tuition was $1206 per semester. I am so old

Groundhog Day Meaning xkcd.com/3202/

Westboro Baptist Church tried to make an Anti-Luigi Mangione poster but it just looks like Luigi is threatening billionaires and goes unironically hard af

Venerable magazine Harper's Bazaar is running its short story contest again, with the winner receiving "the chance" of publication in the magazine. Just one catch: per the wording of the guidelines, _just by entering_ you transfer copyright ownership of your story to Harper's parent, Hearst. 1/3

I swear if you gently bite into a dr pepper tic tacs, it feels like it's fizzing. Which gave me an idea: dp pop rocks

I love that not only does my husband not mind being spoiled on plot lines, he welcomes it. Finished Bridgeton last night: "How does Benedict figure out it's Sophie???" "Do you want me to tell you how it happened in the book?" "Might as well!"

I appreciate a little affordability/buying it wordplay. Don't think I don't see you, @apnews.com

found a stack of these cleaning up my studio the other day. as ever!!!

My boss misspelled my name in a group chat and now the other people in it are also responding and spelling my name correctly, which I do not think is a fluke

YA fiction has had its time to shine, now is the time for 42 year old fiction, middle adult fiction, where all the plots and romance involve cheese and heartburn and back pain. The climax of each novel is finding a really nice sandwich, or finally figuring out where that thing went.

I'm not a hater, but every time my blown-out hair starts to curl from sweat or a shower or whatever, I think of ms. taylor allison swift claiming that her hair just ~isn't curly anymore~ Like, be so for real, ma'am, we've all seen the concert

Lol, my husband can't eat gluten and I can't eat soy, it's so annoying

I'll admit it--before I saw a picture, I was confusing Don Lemon with Don King. (For a long time I struggled with Jackson Browne and James Brown. My brain tends to group things by incredibly unhelpful criteria)

And unless it's a cost-free government ID, it's a POLL TAX. If you have to pay the government for a document that you must have to vote, that is a POLL TAX.

I thought I was grabbing a cherry coke zero from the fridge, but accidentally grabbed a dr pepper. The angels knew I needed healing ambrosia for my infirmity (which is mild but is nonetheless driving me nuts because I can't stop sneezing)

happy "Please Clap" Day to all who celebrate

An episode and a half into the new season of Bridgeton and I finally had to google where I know the wicked stepmother from. It's Cho Chang!

from: [email protected] Dear Strngbda, how do yuo tpye wiht boxign glovs on

there are so many impeachable offenses that you now need two wheelbarrows full of impeachable offenses to purchase a simple loaf of bread

Yesterday my son was a little stuffy, and today we are all a miserable nyquil commercial, like when all the Ingalls family caught scarlet fever

Oop now I'm crying again

The Pigg

What do you MEAN the president audibly SHIT himself live on camera and they immediately cancelled the press conference and rushed everyone out of the room like it's a fire drill, and it happened two days ago, and I'm just hearing about it NOW?

This shit hits like a sledgehammer right now. It's not even remotely an exaggeration.

My employer paid almost $31k for my family of four's health insurance last year. That doesn't include the thousands I paid in premiums, deductible, and copays. How is this a good system??

I found the christening record of my Canadian fifth-great grandpa, now the whole family can claim our heritage together! (fourth-great grandma was also born in Canada, but there's not a Canadian source doc attached to her and I don't wanna find one)

I’m sorry, this is so funny

Prove that you're human song

I asked my son to take a picture of my cape dress, and THIS was the best shot

I can’t stress this enough. The state of 4th Amendment law is that the cops can’t force you to type in a passcode but they can force you to swipe your finger or present your face. Never stop using passcodes/passwords to unlock your devices. And consider additional code to unlock Signal.