Popes pick lame names. I’d go with Pope Beavis or Pope Butthead. Would you rather the third Leo or the first Butthead?

Breaking news: JD Vance got pegged by a couch

It’s such a bummer for capitalism that the world’s richest man is obviously an idiot.

I need him and Gritty to meet

When the questions are getting rough and you're starting to feel that roadkill skunk you snacked on before the hearing

It’s crazy that AI turned out to be a scam. It’s not like tech-bro investors have been pushing nothing but scams for decades…

At this point, they should probably give up on adding the “gamble responsibly/seek help” message on every sports betting commercial. We all know it’s not helping

Not to brag or anything, but I haven’t seen any of the best picture nominees. I’m not a hero or anything, I’m just a cool guy.

I knew it!

They should remake the Social Network, but from a 2025 perspective. Mark Zuvkerberg isn’t some “techno punk anarchist genius,” but just some rich kid who hates privacy and is a weird little freak. Trent Reznor still does the score.

My daughter lost her first tooth and put it under her pillow. I replaced it with an even bigger tooth. She wants to play tooth games? Let's dance.

Got up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom. Turned on the light and sat down and looked at the floor. Dog poops on the floor, four or five of them in a chaotic pattern. How did I miss stepping on them? The Lord guided my feet around the dog poops, obviously. Anyway I'm a The Lord guy now.

I just invested my life savings in $shiftycoin, a new crypto created by Shifty Pete, the local con artist. I got a good feeling about this one! Have fun staying poor, losers

Human Altitude xkcd.com/3039

Everyone praising Nosferatu should watch a true classic. I’m not joking. This is a better movie in every way.

Oh man

Don’t ever give up on your dreams… until you hit 30. You basically have a ten year window to get things going. After that, give up on your dreams. It feels fantastic.

The best way to fix society is for us to all get together and steal Mark Zuckerberg’s lunch money.

Pitch for a network TV show: Doctor Cop He’s a doctor and a cop. He has to solve medical mysteries while also also solving crime mysteries. The twist? He’s terrible at both jobs.

YouTube keeps recommending clips from Suits to me, but each clip is titled something like “genius lawyer tricks crooked judge” or something like that, implying the footage is of real events. And then it’s always the Suits lawyer pulling some basic law shit that’s either illegal or basic.

Chair Stop-Motion 🪑💨 Made with 444 pictures taken over 10 days

Classic Sluggo

It is such a bummer for the pro-capitalism weirdos out there that the richest man in the world is kind of dumb

My niece asked me to put on Cars 2, which she said was her favorite movie. Five minutes in, she asked me “why are the cars talking?” I was like, “are you serious, that’s like the whole concept of the movie” She had never seen it before. I don’t know why she lied to me about this, but I respect it.

Not paying for a knob, not 3D printing a knob, but a secret third thing

Liz Cheney is not a hero. She’s just a monster who hates another monster. Cheney and Trump both suck, don’t make either of them out to be heroes

Spent NYE watching Wicked, eating Red Lobster, and then sitting with my dog so she wasn’t scare of fireworks. Pretty solid night.

Nosferatu is the only movie I saw in 2024 where somebody hangs dong. This means that Nosferatu’s dong is THE dong of 2024.

If only they’d thought to put trampolines at the bottom of wells, so many tragedies would now be hilarious anecdotes.

Scrooge was like “fuck Christmas” and then a ghost was like “hey, look at this sick kid” and Scrooge was like “hell yeah, Christmas rules”

Hey, maybe instead of planning the ultimate Christmas decoration scheme, Biden could’ve focused on not screwing over the 2024 election? Sure, the trees look nice… but, you know…

Just to be clear, the vast majority of Marvel What If episodes result in Thanos snapping all life out of existence. That’s kind of a big deal

BREAKING: Using careful measurements and controlled environments, scientists have concluded that a loud fart in a mall during Christmas Eve shopping is not as embarrassing as owning a #CyberTruck

Everyone keeps talking about Christmas movies, but there are some great New Years movies. For example, End of Days is a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to keep the devil from getting laid on NYE

Look at these perverts getting boners for stars, it’s disgusting

If you’re 50 or older and worth millions of dollars, and you don’t retire, then you’re a psychopath.

Bond Villain Sharks.

Just watched Venom: The Last Dance and it’s a perfect example of why you need to give characters motivation. None of the primary characters in that movie have any goals, they’re just doing stuff and then monsters show up.

How Chris Evans will return to MCU?

I’ve literally seen more people complaining about people saying Die Hard is a Christmas movie than I’ve ever seen people saying that it’s a Christmas movie…

Jingle Bells - classic song, no notes Jingle Bell Rock - does not rock, feels like an old man trying to pander to teens in the ‘50s. I’m a classic Jingle Bells man. There is no debate.

Just tried listening to Mark Cuban on Jon Stewart’s podcast and I almost threw my phone at the TV. He’s literally just shilling for crypto the entire time, a thing that is, without a doubt, a bad idea that has no real utility and has cost regular people millions of dollars.