i’m so old, i remember when going on the internet made you smarter

I saw like three guys floating up towards heaven today and they didn't look very happy. One of them was flapping his arms trying to get back down.

Prevent unwanted and embarrassing self-hoisting with PetardGard™ coming this holiday season from TopatoCo

I just got to yell "This MY house!" at someone and it almost felt like it was worth it for a few minutes

Birds are getting larger and more complicated. Probably nothing to worry about but we should keep an eye on it.

The Great Fear was a general panic that took place between 22 July to 6 August 1789, at the start of the French Revolution. Rural unrest had been present in France since the worsening grain shortage of the spring. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_F...

Not totally sure but I think they might be politicizing this thing

I wonder how often these dumb bullshit things encourage subscription cancellations like, broadly. I was canceling Disney+ because they're supporting anti-American fascism and then I was like... hang on I haven't looked at Starz in months. Toobtime? What? Bumfights HD? I didn't sign up for that!

No idea how I'm going to keep faking being enthusiastic about anything for the rest of my life.

Today I was trying to explain how the stock market works to someone and wondering why they don't teach it in school and realized they can't teach it in school because it makes no sense and is so stupid

New horror movie idea about a verification code text that never comes and when it finally does it's 666 and then it's basically just Death Note

Sorry I'm late, some dickhead flipped me off and then died so the government made me mourn him

Could LSP be the key?

I sincerely believe that no matter how miserable I feel (and it is usually fairly miserable) that it pales in comparison to how miserable these awful fucks feel on a perpetual basis.

Probably not great that I continue to smell packing tape hours after I stop using it, and with each passing day I start to, I don't want to say "enjoy" it. More like "need" it

Change all my passwords? Buddy I've barely got time to change my underwear

There should be a weekend where there was enough time to enjoy it.

Trying this new One Hot Dog a Day Diet I learned from dark web influencer Screamin' Phil Pholly. You eat one hot dog a day, double bun, and that's it. They say the pounds flake right off and your eyeballs glisten like a newborn angel. See you at Paris Fashion Week, plebes

Here's to the end of one of the top 20 dumbest weeks I've ever lived though.

This is what I’m saying, if anyone wants to use it as a script

If Star Wars was a long time ago, but the Wookiees knew about Tarzan (since they did his famous holler) does that mean Wookiees were time travelers? Did they travel through space and time to learn about Tarzan

Man I sure hope this company that I don't think is a bigot company isn't secretly somehow worse than the one I KNOW is a bigot company

Got a feeling I'm going to see the inside of the skull of one of these helmetless e-bike riders doing 35mph through the parking lot any day now.

I saved two birds lives in the last two days. So that makes up for the hundreds if not thousands of birds I've eaten in my life. I need to get my shit together if Bird Heaven turns out to be a thing

If you're going to reply to me I have to understand what you're talking about. That's the new rule. It's not my fault if I don't understand everything. Understanding everything isn't all there is.

Doing a thing that I KNOW would take far less time with chatgpt but I'm REFUSING to for ethical reasons but also feeling RATHER STUPID about it and would prefer to have been born in 1853 and died of whooping cough at age 6 I guess

Woke up and made a meme for the year 1980

We're once again stocked in all sizes of Bigtop Burger polos! There's never been a better time to dress up like a burger kid. topatoco.com/collections/...

I'm gonna make these and stick em on cop cars and get arrested and it'll be a whole ass thing but entirely worth it.

Only a few hours left to order the black option of the new @badmachinery.com shirt! topatoco.com/collections/...

Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy https://theonion.com/five-or-six-dudes-jump-out-of-nowhere-and-just-start-wh-1819565638/

CVS originally stood for "Cigarettes, Vitamins & Stuff" but they stopped selling cigarettes so no one knows what's going on now

I'm a robot and I have no fucking idea what a motorcycle looks like. How am I supposed to use this thing

This is my dog, Dr. Bronner. He was born with fur that is naturally printed with thousands of strange words

Weird how 90% of my spam now is about how they can shoehorn a.i. into whatever the hell it is we do exactly

This is the best movie I've ever seen

I just realized the way I'm avoiding AI feels exactly like wearing a mask when covid started

Do y'all like, die if you finish a can of seltzer or something?

I'm pretty sure it's an app but I've never considered it useful, as I am a person who tries

Sorry I'm late, I remembered some song lyric I might have been wrong about

If only all the product reviews weren't submitted by the most functionally illiterate, hapless dumbasses on the planet. I guess the same could be said for the internet in general tho

10 years ago today, me and Chompsky got stuck in a hole together <3 imgur.com/gallery/hole...

She doesn’t need a hero, she is the hero we need. 🤩

Are you sure ALL she wants to do is dance? Cause it kinda sounds like she also likes to party and get down

Just dreamed I was at a strip club karaoke bar and the KJ was Pam Bondi and I absolutely bombed "Let Her Cry" and everyone was SO mad at me

Sometimes to calm down I will scroll through the @nightvaleradio.bsky.social episode prints and just look at them. @angrycomics.bsky.social is one of the coolest artists in the world and why she isn't like an Andy Warhol type person at this point is beyond me. topatoco.com/collections/...

We're also introducing a critical piece of legislation called the Podcast Reduction Act which will limit the number of podcasts a single person can have to 35.

Haha I needed a hose repair kit but I accidentally ordered a HORSE repair kit instead. Anybody got a fucked up horse hmu

Why yes sir it does "suck to be me" how very observant of you