New shirt! The perfect thing for anyone who doesn't live in abject chaos. topato.co/collections/...

>> types "Have a goon evening!" >> hits send

Please vote today if that's an option, especially if Dog Catcher is on the ballot. It could mean the difference between an evil Dog Catcher and a nice one.

Ah yes, pitch fuckin black out at 5:24pm. Let the games begin

Wife's outta town, time to crack open the youtube Watch Later playlist 😈

🎃 HAPPY HALLOWE'EN FELLOW CREATURES OF THE DARKNESS 🎃 we have the Most Spookiest Collection of all time on our site and it is for You, specifically! (and the thing that lurks behind you when you're not looking😍) topatoco.com/collections/...

Love to be imagining something and my internal dialogue goes "imagine that" and I'm like "that's what I'm DOING, dipshit." I'm allowed to drive and vote

I have been charged in a federal indictment sought by the Department of Justice. This political prosecution is an attack on all of our First Amendment rights. I’m not backing down, and we’re going to win.

Getting the septic tank pumped and asked the guy how's it going and he said "pretty shitty!" There's a little septic tank pumper guy humor for ya to brighten up that Monday.

So tired of trying to figure out if any art that looks halfway decent is Ai and tired of verification codes and tired of blocking notifications and not allowing cookies and also paying too much for the whole fucking thing. It's ruined

"Oxford commas are a sign you write with ai" I will find such a unique way to rip out your spine that they'll make a movie about it

🎶 My muñequita My Mushroom Kingdom Rosalina

Rob Thomas "Smooth" voice 🎶 Out from the barrio It's-a me my name is a-Mario

It's your Rock n' Roll Fantasy and the first thing you can think of is some JESTERS? A jester wouldn't be allowed within a hundred MILES of MY rock n' roll fantasy. Bro what is wrong with you

at this point, i’d be happy just applying a single slurp juice to my remaining ape

They should invent legs that can go under the blankets and on top of the blankets at the same time.

My babies are all back together!

Not much just anthropomorphizing everything I possibly can

I got scammed by a phone case company and I'm being very Tim Robinson about it and I'm not completely ashamed.

You can go mostwhere in the all the beefy rugged pleasure of the 2024 Trail-Raisened Prumby Gummer with Tired Wheels, All-family Stew Pockets, and "Clam Mode" you'll be toddling all over creation Prumby: Drive What Cars You

Horror movie about two people who can't decide which horror movie to watch UNTIL THEY DIE

My mother had Pac Man Fever while she was pregnant, which is why every week to stabilize my metabolism I have to eat an entire ghost.

It's hard to imagine in today's world of super fancy video games, but back in the day people used to get Pac Man Fever so bad that it would literally drive them insane.

If I was Tim Burton I would name my dog Beast of Burton

When God closes a door He opens a window. This drives me NUTS. Terrible roommate. The electric bill is outrageous. There's a bird's nest in the bathroom

E..T. "Entertainment Turtle" (The Extraterrestrial)

I miss being paranoid when everything to be paranoid about wasn't a factual reality

Listen up, objects that I frequently drop. Enough with this "bouncing in an implausible direction and rolling a nonsensical distance only to end up under something that can't be reached without a stick." Especially you, pills. I'm drawing the line.

Thank you once again for the coffee, Coffee Duck. Praise be unto Coffee Duck.

Startup idea: an app for when you're buying a new car that tells you if the CEO is insane at the time so you can save money on bumper stickers

The Fast & The Furious Halloween Special: SPEED KILLS Dom Toretto in a [car] race with Michael Myers(who's STILL driving the mental institution station wagon)

A billionaire could make a Fast and the Furious Halloween special, but they don't. This is how you know there are no good billionaires.

Today is October 4. Thirty one years ago today, Jurassic Park came out on VHS.

Barney could only get Fruity Pebbles by stealing them from Fred because Betty wouldn't let Barney keep them in the house because he had dinobetes

It's October 3rd.

I glanced at a ai generated summary about something I'm writing (that google docs generated that I didn't ask for), and it made what was writing sound REALLY GOOD and I felt happy for a second but then I felt like huuuuuuge piece of shit!!! Fuck you robot I know it's good without you butting in!!

Everyone needs to stop being so mean to me in my dreams. I'm doing the best I can and usually don't know where I am.

(solemnly) You've had mail.

New Olympic Event: Half-Empty Seltzer Can Nightstand Stacking

Oh, this tiny sliver of glass in my foot that won't come out? It's actually a very cool form of body modification and I don't mind it at all. The constant pain is worth it to be on the cutting edge of style like this.

Suffering from a lifelong, flagrant hankering for a hunk of cheese because of this fucking guy?

Not much just lying in bed organizing my apps by the seven deadly sins

Moments before my son, Doug Mulder, knocked over one of the mushrooms with his butt.

I can't thank enough all the animators on this project for bringing my little dog to life. A lot of indie animators whose work I follow and love a whole lot too! I knew what was coming, but the final product is still leaving me speechless. Thank you to all who worked on this! YOURE THE BEST

i’m so old, i remember when going on the internet made you smarter

I saw like three guys floating up towards heaven today and they didn't look very happy. One of them was flapping his arms trying to get back down.

Prevent unwanted and embarrassing self-hoisting with PetardGard™ coming this holiday season from TopatoCo

I just got to yell "This MY house!" at someone and it almost felt like it was worth it for a few minutes

Birds are getting larger and more complicated. Probably nothing to worry about but we should keep an eye on it.

The Great Fear was a general panic that took place between 22 July to 6 August 1789, at the start of the French Revolution. Rural unrest had been present in France since the worsening grain shortage of the spring. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_F...