It's not often that a living man gets such a vivid preview of how he will be mourned.

More obvious jokes aside, I feel in my bones that any food Lobo likes to eat would straight up kill a baseline human on contact

BACKROOMS (2026)

Past observations have taught us that Trump does not enjoy being booed -- it gives him a bad day for sure, but it doesn't, like, threaten his health or anything; what my post presupposes is: what if the problem is simply one of intensity?

All I have are more questions now!!!!! How do they get into the droplets in the first place? Where do they go when the fog evaporates, are they just ....... just hanging out in the air? All the time? Am I .......... breathing them in every time I go outside? Am I breathing them in now?

Did those fucking lunatics actually manage to kill the new library measure for my fucking town, is that what I'm seeing here, what the FUCK

I keep a running list of phrases that pop into my head that would make good band names or titles for albums and I just realized what else they're good for

Can you fucking imagine if, after all this -- after EVERYTHING we've had to endure from this piece of shit since 2016 at LEAST -- this stupid fucking thing collapses and THAT'S what takes him out

Everybody SHUT UP, I can hear someone playing the "Numa Numa" song at high volume in their car RIGHT NOW in this, the year 2026

[taps mic] If they've released Zero Sugar Oreos then do you think maybe they're also working on Zero Sugar Nilla Wafers or Zero Sugar Vienna Fingers and are just waiting for the right moment to release them to the public? Hello? I SAID IF THEY'E RELEASED ZERO SUGAR OREOS THEN DO YOU THINK MAYBE TH

It's still wild to me that they have all this money and (presumably) talent and the best title they could come up with was THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU

A friend's back-of-the-envelope math says each of us taxpayers will end up contributing about $16.75 to this fund for J6 rioters and I truly thought I had already reached my capacity for incandescent rage but it turns out I contain ~~multitudes~~

I demand that we consider the inverse of this question as well: should there not be a Cult of the Q Continuum on every sentient world? Do we dare imagine the creed that worships Nagilum? Are there people on worlds neighboring Rana 4 who pray to Kevin Uxbridge?

My 4yo wants me to cut the crusts off his sandwich, but he also wants me to put them on the plate so he can eat them. Why don't I just leave them ON the sandwich, then? No, he wants to eat them BY THEMSELVES. Honestly that kinda checks out, so I say why not. I am the world's greatest dad 🏆🏆🏆

I feel like I'm being presented with a Final Boss of Pareidolia test to discover how many smiling faces I can see in this apple

Somebody on Drake's PR team actually works for Kendrick

Why is it that the apparently many zero sugar versions of fruit-flavored Fanta are only available from those giant fuckass Coke fountains at the movies and not in stores? This is either DELIBERATE DISCRIMINATION against the PREDIABETIC COMMUNITY or simply how capitalism is meant to function

What I'm learning here is that every time you see a manta ray majestically leaping out of the water there's a nonzero chance it's because there's a remora jammed up its asshole and it's trying to get that fucker OUT www.livescience.com/animals/fish...

I would LOVE to know what this meeting was like (they had to have met, right???) www.thestranger.com/news/laurelh...

All of Captain America's shield-throwing antics are now just a teeny tiny bit more plausible-feeling to me

I can't tell what's worse a. That he's this stupid b. That he thinks WE'RE this stupid or c. That he doesn't even think about what we think at all because he has no theory of mind d. That there'll be no consequences for any of this and it'll all just keep going Or maybe just e. all of the above

There's no way in hell this could possibly be the intention (it must be specific to some evangelical sect) but the bumper sticker "Look at God!" just feels accusatory to me instead of instructional, like God just peed his pants and the school bully is directing us all to look so we can point & laugh

ALIENS but replace Bill Paxton with Beaker

Invert the usual movie cast/Muppet question: I propose Wrath of Khan and leave everyone as-is except replace Ricardo Montalban with Gonzo (h/t this week's episode of @warrocketajax.com)

On the one hand this is so tremendously ego-poisoned and stupid that yes I believe it could've happened, but on the other you're asking me to believe in a Trump official who knows an actual fact about history, so 🤷

At least one (1) person out there fully understands and internalizes the concept of scansion and for this we give thanks

Band and album title

The question of whether or not X is ever gonna give it to us has been posed elsewhere by others and we need not rehash it here; what we must now consider is the possibility that X simply gave it to someone else while our attention was diverted, and if so, what do we do with this knowledge

Hey. You wanna see something?

I think the real problem is that everyone keeps shouting "edro, edro!" at the Strait of Hormuz when the real word is almost certainly "mellon"

For some reason I can't stop thinking about that guy who created an entire staff of made-up AI bots and immediately sexually harassed one of them AND THEN TOLD US ALL ABOUT IT IN A BLOG POST OR WHATEVER IT WAS when did that happen? a thousand years ago?? a million???? oh it was less than a year ago

Starfleet Academy is fun actually and I invite you all to come join me on this hill!!!!!!!!!! ferociousj.beehiiv.com/p/i-don-t-kn...

This and the following post are my exact position as well

I cannot think of any greater irony to witness than a cybertruck driving past me with TESLA SERVICE DEPT livery on the side, of all things

Okay this rules

continue to think that if instead of "raw milk" we called it "doodoo milk" people would understand the risk proposition

Did anyone tell Amazon that if they wanted to "curry favor" with Trump, instead of blowing millions upon millions on this piece of shit Melania doc, they could've just spent like a couple grand on a fake award for Bezos to hand him in front of a camera

"We'll make a rule that ICE isn't allowed to kidnap and disappear citizens, a rule that they'll definitely follow because they sure haven't been breaking any other rules with total impunity on camera that we can see" I CANNOT with these useless fucking fucks, who's running against them already!!!!

Is this agentic AI

If the ICE pricks somehow habituate to the nice whistles everyone's using now, I advocate switching to the AZTEC DEATH WHISTLE en masse and seeing if we can inflict true lasting damage (link to sound samples at the bottom) www.news.uzh.ch/en/articles/...

Anytime I have to see Jeffries or Schumer's stupid useless faces or read some idiotic centrist bullshit they said I need an immediate followup post that says who's primarying them and where to donate, is there already a bot for that or something

Going through my important files for something and stumbled across this permanent record of the best joke I will ever make thanks to Android emoji kitchen

This restored 5HP immediately

Just think: if we didn't have to deal with the resurgence of fascism we could've celebrated 2026 as the year we finally penetrated the Borrowers' memetic camouflage

I'm not even "largely" a pacifist in my heart of hearts if we're gonna be real honest about ourselves here

Food in my house doesn't "become moldy so I had to throw it in the compost," it is instead "censured for disloyalty and cast out"

This is the year I give trilobites racing stripes because nobody can prove they didn't have 'em

How is it 2026 and we're still fucking doing this, you absolute fucking clowns