continue to think that if instead of "raw milk" we called it "doodoo milk" people would understand the risk proposition

Did anyone tell Amazon that if they wanted to "curry favor" with Trump, instead of blowing millions upon millions on this piece of shit Melania doc, they could've just spent like a couple grand on a fake award for Bezos to hand him in front of a camera

"We'll make a rule that ICE isn't allowed to kidnap and disappear citizens, a rule that they'll definitely follow because they sure haven't been breaking any other rules with total impunity on camera that we can see" I CANNOT with these useless fucking fucks, who's running against them already!!!!

Is this agentic AI

If the ICE pricks somehow habituate to the nice whistles everyone's using now, I advocate switching to the AZTEC DEATH WHISTLE en masse and seeing if we can inflict true lasting damage (link to sound samples at the bottom) www.news.uzh.ch/en/articles/...

Anytime I have to see Jeffries or Schumer's stupid useless faces or read some idiotic centrist bullshit they said I need an immediate followup post that says who's primarying them and where to donate, is there already a bot for that or something

Going through my important files for something and stumbled across this permanent record of the best joke I will ever make thanks to Android emoji kitchen

This restored 5HP immediately

Just think: if we didn't have to deal with the resurgence of fascism we could've celebrated 2026 as the year we finally penetrated the Borrowers' memetic camouflage

I'm not even "largely" a pacifist in my heart of hearts if we're gonna be real honest about ourselves here

Food in my house doesn't "become moldy so I had to throw it in the compost," it is instead "censured for disloyalty and cast out"

This is the year I give trilobites racing stripes because nobody can prove they didn't have 'em

How is it 2026 and we're still fucking doing this, you absolute fucking clowns

Couldn't they have just named the company Annatar to at least fucking TRY to disguise it a little, jesus CHRIST

My kids have been watching Pokemon Horizons for a while and it's fine -- pretty good, even, probably! (I don't pay 100% attention) -- but look: I'm used to watching kids wander around this world with pokemon that are basically just animals. Right? A big yellow mouse, a duck: animals

"The #1 movie when you were 10 years old is how your 2026 is going to go…" This is either going to be spectacular or disastrous depending on whether I'm Bruce or Thomas Wayne in this scenario now that I'm a dad and all

I lost my taste for posting to my personal Insta forever ago, but I still want to share my weird little guys, so catch me at this new account!! www.instagram.com/forecastfossil

My new crew of college buddies and I saw EVENT HORIZON sitting in the third row; that night my roommate and I slept with the light on

Contemplating the purchase of a small stiff-bristled paintbrush for the express purpose of removing salt from the surfaces of cookies I want to eat, who's with me on this

At this point I would settle for a journalist asking Trump to count from 1 to 30 on camera

I saw the Handjob, Good Game! Toilet Paper car* again today but am at a loss as to what it portends for my day/week/month * Still the only remotely plausible interpretation of vanity license plate HJGGTP I've managed to generate

My first act as Despot President will be to declare Star Wars ep9 noncanonical

Tired: Unexpected events make people pay attention to their surroundings and increase prosocial behavior Wired: When Batman gets on the subway, people act right www.nature.com/articles/s44...

The revelation of the sheer scale of abject desperation at play here would cause any other person to light themself on fire and walk into traffic from sheer humiliation, yet Elon just keeps on truckin', it's unbelievable

At least that one brain-melted lady who fell in love with Martin fucking Shkreli didn't subject us to a book that caused 4d8 psychic damage just by opening it

While it may seem to the untrained eye that I am conspicuously not simply posting the words "CHEX MIX" every 30 seconds without pause in an unceasing stream of consciousness, know that in my heart that is exactly what I'm doing at all times even when not within reach of a computing device

Thank FUCK for at least one (1) person who remembers what scansion is!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I GOT TO THIS ARTICLE IN THE FIRST PLACE I CLICKED ON A LINK IN THE FUCKING NEWSLETTER THAT I'M ALREADY SUBSCRIBED TO WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT STUPID ?UTM= GARBAGE IN THE URL FOR IF NOT TO TRACK EXACTLY WHERE THE FUCK I CAME FROM YOU LAZY FUCKING ASSHOLES

I firmly believe in physics and chemistry and chemical engineering and that advances in science are possible at all times, but when the refill store's laundry powder says HALF A TABLESPOON for an entire load of washing I just can't bring myself to do it (I put a full tbsp in) (even that seems nuts)

Dear Etsy witches, I saw three (3) cybertrucks on my way home; who among you has a spell to help remove this terrible curse

We're all having fun here but I have to report that it's been many hours and I still haven't seen whether anybody's sent a U-Haul to Dave Portnoy's house yet

[rings bells] A king's ransom to whoever can find me a fucking transcript of Zohran's victory speech! I want to READ THE WORDS MYSELF, holy shit I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO WATCH A FUCKING VIDEO

This is perhaps the smallest victory of the night, but I went to a city council meeting tonight to speak in support of a little preschool being beleaguered by NIMBY dipshits, and the council voted unanimously to smack their stupid bullshit into the trash where it belonged and it felt INCREDIBLE

I was tempted to leave the AI training setting on just in case LinkedIn somehow immanentizes the eschaton and puts my face on its unstoppable business singularity homunculus but on second thought maybe that would be detrimental to my brand voice

The superhero group I need is a League of Petty Webdevs who can gin up a dashboard called Who's Primarying This Centrist Fuck that I can click around in to see who's challenging who and how to give them money or whatnot

I think I just witnessed a street preacher's first day on the job? If you can call it that? I don't know what else to call a white guy in a red polo and Oakleys delivering a rizzless Jesus monologue to absolutely nobody on a parking lot corner through a mic setup with the reverb cranked to 11

Because of a podcast I listen to, I've started saying "YIKES ON BIKES" in conversations (it's so satisfying, friends) but I'm already phasing it out in texts for this perfect emoji kitchen-derived shorthand, please update your lexical maps accordingly

Imagine what you could do with the sheer fucking audacity of Thiel -- who I understand already has some money!!!! -- to charge people TWO HUNDO A HEAD to come listen to him say his stupid bad ideas for MULTIPLE NIGHTS, holy SHIT www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

SHE'S RIGHT AND SHE SHOULD SAY IT

We need something nice to look forward to; here is that something (it's in a month) (please propagate this far and wide in the hope that someone who needs it will see it) www.eventbrite.com/e/instant-ba...

I've wondered if just a little occasional bump would give me the energy to keep up with small kids until I remember caffeine exists, but if this keeps up for long enough maybe cocaine will become cheaper than coffee and we'll start to see some real choices get made

I MADE TOO MANY LITTLE GUYS AND I NEED YOU TO TAKE THEM OFF MY HANDS THE DISCOUNT IS *INSANE* TAKE CARE OF YOUR HOLIDAY SHOPPING NOW WHY NOT www.etsy.com/shop/Forecas...

Why does everybody in the Hayes Valley have this exact dog now, do you get issued one when you move there or something? We saw a half dozen of these walk past us during the dinner hour last night, all the same color even, what's going on

Every centrist hagiographer: he said some very important stuff Everyone: oh, like what? Every centrist hagiographer: very important things Everyone: Can you repeat some of those things he said? Every centrist hagiographer, looking at their legal department frantically shaking their heads: no

Yeah well we have this little thing called freedom of the press. Yeah it’s pretty neat. 3 guys control the media and social media and they have more wealth than half the planet. If you ask about gun control they put you in a dog cage

"Sepulcrum eius fiat latrina publica" is what Google Translate gave me, but do any Latin scholars want to weigh in on a better way to render "May his grave become a public toilet"

Even if he lives, I hope seeing the eruption of jubilation on the internet at the news does irreparable psychic damage

LEGO corporation, hear me: you could make even MORE money if you release the Star Trek TNG minifigs as a standalone pack, just trust me on this

Oh shit oh no oh shit