nightmare date: you go for drinks with a beautiful, charming, kind woman who checks off all of the boxes for what you're looking for in a romantic partner except for the fact that she speaks in the cadence that Russell Crowe uses in Les Misérables (2012)

It's so funny when you need two doctor's offices to communicate and they're like "yeah our only choice is to fax each other, like we're Abraham Lincoln and a samurai"

"Why do people make things so hard on themselves?" says woman who drives stick, uses OB tampons, and plays Death and Taxes

I wasn't going to listen to a three hour podcast that's a part 1, until they called it "lore".

You know what they say in poker: when you have a winning hand it's best to fold.

Too many people have resigned themselves to not reading because they fear they no longer have the focus for it. You only need to limit your screen time for a few days to begin feeling the effects on your brain. I promise you, you are capable of reading books again.

Based on the weather here now and the radar backtrack, I'm pretty sure that there were dramatic flashes of lightning and loud booms of thunder during the vote, to really underscore how villainous it was

Making fun of him for working all the time turned dark real quick now that he's about to lose his healthcare

One thing I’ll say about sports relative to politics is that sports fans do NOT put up with incompetence from their teams, even in bursts. If Schumer was a pro sports coach there’d be riots demanding his firing

Mamdami is gonna implement Shahrafect law. Creatures will deal damage to you in the form of subgames.

Why did I make this

This is early by skating standards. But it's still fucking 7:30 on a Sunday.

ALAB is such a good joke. @kayfabegamergirl.bsky.social really do be one of the funniest people on the Internet

I made a “how do you do, fellow kids?” joke to someone in their mid 20s who, it turns out, was too young to have heard of that meme. So “how do you do, fellow kids?” is now an example of “how do you do, fellow kids?”

they’ve devised a plan to make me want to boycott it even more

My knees and hips are both dying today and I have no idea if it's from the Waltz jumps and swing rolls, or the walking in bad shoes alternated with sitting in bar stools

I am So Tired, but going four places in one night did kinda make me feel young

When you're so sober you go barhopping for cheese

Tiny clementine (Yorion for scale because our bananas are also oddly small)

The Starbucks glass bear cup release is very suspiciously timed with the imminent strike

If there's one thing a Magic player loves more than starting a hate mob over every minute grievance, it's prop bets.

SPOTIFY GIVE IT TO ME

Having an unfinished Adderall prescription is a lot like having Magic cards in that it's way more trouble than it's worth to get the cash value, but you also can't just get rid of them

SafeSport trained adults will really look at a blatant case of a coach bullying an athlete and say "I don't know, have you tried talking to rink management first?"

Descriptivism leaving my body when someone says "should of"

Joking about libbing out is fun and all, but I actually think it's okay to be excited about the election of someone who cares about trans rights and the lives of Palestinians

I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm crashing can they please call it for Mamdani already

This is a “double check it’s not a parody account” situation

He's literally not a bear, though. He's a 4/4.

Look, if you have to vote for 99.9% Hitler to avoid Hitler, you shut the fuck up and do that, but if you have to vote for 0% Hitler you run a real risk of hitting a stack underflow and materializing 256% Hitler out of thin air. Better safe than sorry.

I have so many questions

Getting my ass to the polling site to vote for school board members and nothing else

A cool thing about being a parent is having only one type of nightmare

Fun fact I learned thanks to Jason Schreier: A prominent character in Red Alert, a Warcraft/Starcraft competitor RTS, was named Tonya. So Blizzard named Sarah Kerrigan as a reference to the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan skating feud.

It's probably fine

Yes, folks may be losing their jobs to the dragon. Yes, incorporating the dragon into workflow has actually decreased productivity. But we already fed so many sacrifices, so we can't exactly go back on that now can we? Just learn to work with the dragon please.

I buy presents really early but have ADHD so now I'm spending my husband's birthday eve trying to find presents I hid from myself

There is no worse feeling than being got by a Shrieker in Honour Mode

that is...... not correct

$18 Mocktail Satisfies Craving To Waste Money https://theonion.com/18-mocktail-satisfies-craving-to-waste-money-1851449216/

If I get kicked out of Adults Skate Too for arguing with transphobes I guess I can finally be free of facebook

i hate gay halloween what do you mean you're charlie kirk's ghost in the cuck chair

My skating coach just invoiced me, he really needs to be visited by the Ghost of Gay Halloween to be taught the spirit of the holiday and stop working

Chat, trick or treating was fucking bleak this year and it's hard to not see it as a reflection of the state of the country

Thai teas are seven dollars reopen the government

I'm never signing up to make anything ever again

What if the advice "don't eat foods with ingredients you can't pronounce" isn't pseudo-scientific at all, but really just encouraging more people to take organic chemistry?