Woody finds out Buzz is played by Tim Allen

“I’m Kid Rock.” “I’m Naomi Wolf.” “I’m Kanye West.” “I’m Matt Taibbi.” “I’m Catturd. Those stories, plus Rob Schneider, tonight on 60 Minutes.”

I’m back in slutty little shorts. It’s over for you birltches.

a girl said her fantasy is to be at the grocery store when it happens and now i can’t stop dreaming of it i’m standing looking at cheese at central market, when i hear people start whispering, picking up their phones and gasping NO, then squealing. i buy the mimolette and a bottle of krug.

Oh, you can't write a 5-page book report without AI? I fucking wrote 5-page book reports without having read the goddamn book. Get your finger out of your ass.

Fuck Google.

Lovely day for a ball game.

Got caught creepin.

THERE ARE SWOLE WOMEN EVERYWHERE. I PROMISE. WE WALK AMONG YOU.

Ken Paxton spotted returning a half-eaten bologna salad sub after learning Subway fired Jared.

Hear me out…

I don’t know what this is actually about but it’s awesome.

Where my drummers at? My boy is starting kit lessons Thursday night. I want to get him something cool (sticks etc) and need an idea.

so like lemme weigh in on this as someone who is more financially comfortable than many in my generational cohort: everything I have gained seems precarious and temporary because I know the people with real money will take it all from me the second they get an opportunity and no one will protect me.

I’ve been wanting an OTT tune for my Tacoma to make it drive better in the mountains. Dude that does them just hit me up and said he’ll be in town next weekend but it’s $500. Came home to a $538 reimbursement check in the mailbox. Jah Guide.

WSP mega-fan.

“Yeah but we need the rain tho” Fuck you in your soggy ass.

Stitches are out. Any recommendations for scar cream?

Grilling at grandpas house. Behold, the CHOPULA!

today we remember all the crude oil and rich pedophiles our brave service members died for

Watching Atonement and I am speechless.

too smart for threads, too stupid for mastodon. just right for bluesky

@tcboyle.com your description of the cop car in Budding Prospects got me into your writing oh so many years ago.

I just finished The Dark Wizard on HBO. 4 parts and an excellent exploration of an extremely talented man, outdoor culture and mental illness.

I am a J6er. I was wrongly prosecuted for peacefully protesting. The only thing I did that beautiful day was jerk off at Josh Hawley’s desk because the day before he told me he was “totally cool with it.” I deserve to be compensated. Thank you President Trump.

((Whispers)) I want you inside me.

Thinking of becoming a full time Panic guy.

“Read the book” is the “bless your heart” of the phish community.

They’re gonna make your kids referee Bum Fights.

Jan 6 fucks getting reparations instead of Natives and Blacks has me in a burning shit down type mood.

Felt cute, might go to a Filipino wedding later.

Here’s the difference: You’ll see a black actor, an Asian actor, a Latino actor, a white actor, a female actor, and a gay actor play any role. But a Native actor is expected to have long hair (often with braids) and speak with ancient Indian wisdom to the sounds of a flute to be cast AS AN INDIAN.

I run or walk every morning and the dog is eager to join. About 4-5 times per month though, he stays right in his bed and seems to say “imma sit this one out, you have fun tho”

Didn’t this guy used to be someone on phish twitter?

The real value of social media is being able to post something like "The ass is the father of the legs" and potentially have multiple members of congress see it

Slingin electrons and stackin coin.

i do hope that tuberville donates his body to science whenever his time comes so that we can finally find out whether it was just one or two jellybeans rattling around in his skull

The Dean Potter movie on HBO is so good.

Let’s bring back this vibe.

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

Back when we all invited limewire to destroy our desktops.

How it started, how it ended. (a bunch of stitches)

Yall wanna see a gnarly pic? MTB crash, no broken bones.

I just saw the annual question “what’s phishs 5/8/77” For me it’s 4/18/92, not for the quality but just for the fact that it was the first good quality tape I ever had (like Cornell) and I wore that shit out.

Happy “it’s not even the best show that week!” reply guys. It’s your time to shine.

I shat in this box at 4am. It won’t fit in the UPS drop box so it’s riding around with me until the drop off opens.

Taco Tuesday/Cinco de Mayo. The universe wants me to eat carnitas today and I will not be denied.

Fuck your alt.