Insanity

Maybe he had the files doctored, manipulated, mangled. But there's always a copy out there. Nothing can truly be destroyed. I'm so glad he knows that too.

This is me at 15. I’m a child. I’m a CHILD.

@jasonroeder.bsky.social and I wrote a fake college catalogue for all of those seniors now applying to college. It's that time of year again! Out from @mcsweeneys.net "Woodmont is one of the funniest things I’ve read in years!"— Jack Handey Best comedy book by @vulture.com tinyurl.com/4tjkzksc

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

There's always one of him...

Q: Do you feel Israel was justified with striking when it did? TRUMP: Striking where? Q: In Gaza. Today. And overnight. TRUMP: I'd have to get back to you on that

Every Republican on the Sunday shows should be forced to watch the Air Feces One video and then be asked, “Is the President sane?”

Make your plans for #NoKings. October 18th. Free speech is action. Please join in. You'll see me at one of the events. www.nokings.org

It is 2040. I'm in a warehouse ventilated by one window fan, keying every joke I've ever written into an AI called Yuk. A track-mounted robotic arm arrives at my workstation to shoot a nutrient gel directly down my throat. I'm paid monthly in access to premium pornography and DraftKings credits.

Last week Jesse Watters spoke to man named Eric who claimed he was formerly a member of antifa. Two years ago Watters interviewed Ramon "Mundo" Mendoza, a former Mexican Mafia member. Some folks thought the men looked similar. This is a side by side comparison. 🤷‍♀️

A look at the new Programme 4 telecast, coming to a candlelit lounge or paneled rumpus room near you!

MADELEINE DEAN: The president is unhinged. He's unwell JOHNSON: A lot of folks on your side are too D: Oh my god, please. That performance in front of the generals? J: I didn't see it D: It's so dangerous! Our allies are looking elsewhere. Our enemies are laughing. You have a POTUS who's unwell.

Dave Chappelle takes a long, meaningful drag on his cigarette: "Crazy out there, man, crazy. All I know is that virtue can only prevail over wickedness and idolatry if we heed at all times the wisdom of His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman."

Trump comments on the opposition: "I  thought [I] would be met with fury on the left, but they're sort of giving up."  "I really thought that we were gonna have to sort of fight it through. There's been no fight."

Pete Hegseth accidentally flipping a skateboard into his nuts on live TV

AOC: We should be clear about who Charlie Kirk was. A man who believed that the civil rights act that granted black Americans the right to vote was a mistake… His rhetoric and beliefs were ignorant, uneducated, and sought to disenfranchise millions of Americans.

Q: Do you think it would've been fitting to lower the flags to half staff when Melissa Hortman, the Minnesota House Speaker, was gunned down by an assassin? TRUMP: I'm not familiar. The who?

Elizabeth Warren on people who say Dems needs to tone down their rhetoric: "Oh, please. Why don't you start with the president of the United States? And every ugly meme he's posted and every ugly word."

Periodic reminder that we at @mcsweeneys.net ’s have no writing staff (save for the great @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social), and rely on unsolicited submissions for our humor & satire. We respond to each every submission within 7.39 days (but usually much sooner). www.mcsweeneys.net/pages/guidel...

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing

"It is past time for both Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer to step down and step aside. This fascist moment, this age of Trump, demands outspoken, unrelenting and fearless opposition... we all deserve better." I make the case, in my latest for The Guardian, for new leadership:

Trump is keeping his right hand below the table so the camera can't see it

Dems will never miss an opportunity to throw themselves at people who are plotting their extinction night and day.

So we hate doing stuff like this, but as social media platforms continue to throttle indie publishers like us, we rely now more than ever on our readers. If you can spare $3 or $5 or whatever a month, it would go a long way to help us keep on keeping on. buff.ly/E4eljl9

Amazing that someone who doesn't drink can lose this much dignity in public.

Today marks the official launch of Humor Consulting Technologies. We'll put our years of experience writing and editing humor to work for your project, no matter how large or small or detrimental to humanity. Visit jasonroeder.net to find out more.

I read this on paper, and it was great then.

Fantastic Four’s Pedro Pascal Recalls Working With Trainer To Stretch Limbs 50 Feet theonion.com/fantast...

Exclusive: The Justice Department told President Trump in May that his name is among many in the Epstein files.

Marine Wonders What Will Become Of Angelenos Left Behind As Chopper Rises Into Sky theonion.com/marine-...

Trump's Attorney General said she had Epstein’s client list. And then… nothing. If that was a lie, it’s a scandal. If it was true, and it vanished? That’s a cover-up. Either way, we deserve answers. Justice shouldn’t depend on who you are or how much power you have.

MAGA Voter Drills Hole Into Skull To Relieve Sudden Doubts About Trump

Ted Cruz Assures Texans He Working Tirelessly To Get Vacation Refunded theonion.com/ted-cru...

Every Trait Disqualifying ICE Agent From Previous Jobs Ideal For Current One theonion.com/every-t...

No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit theonion.com/no-one-...

I'm sorry but the largest protest of my lifetime is not the 7th or 8th biggest news story in the country behind "what does Gen Z want from Instagram?" This shit is humiliating. Rearrange your layout to meet this moment. Omitting the thing happening in every American city is malpractice.

A year of The Onion's print edition mailed to your door is on sale for $75 until the end of the week. Father's Day is on Sunday and you will spend tomorrow washing the tear gas out of your eyes. Clear your conscience today. membership.theonion.com

Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers theonion.com/marines...

we on sale this week get it

No Kings mass protest info here btw: www.nokings.org

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing

I have almost no money, but if there's a price attached to him retiring, I will find a way.

As @adambecker.bsky.social makes clear in his new book, More Everything Forever, we’re not going to colonize Mars. What’s underneath the desire of tech oligarchs to take us there is deeply disturbing. open.substack.com/pub/bibliora...

Ludicrous person. Let's get this Democratic power struggle going already.

MAGA Voter Assumed Trump Would Only Deport People On List She Mailed To White House

It’s fine, he’s just got all your personal data. 💊💉

From The Archives: I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back theonion.com/i-don-t...