"This change is just the nail in the coffin of a carefully calculated plan to turn the United States into the tin-pot dictatorship of my dreams. It’s definitely not because I’m scared of any investigations that the DOJ’s antitrust division may or may not launch." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/dem...

#Trump, #Noem, #Bondi, and #Patel still need to go. The horror movie isn't over yet, and #Congress isn't coming to save us. We'll have to do it ourselves, according to @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social shadesofgreaves.substack.com/p/america-is...

Our tenth-most-read piece of 2025 is this charming profile of Stephen Miller by McSweeney's living legend, Carlos Greaves.

Apropos of, uh, everything, here's a spoof toy ad by me and @jlongo.bsky.social for the latest edition of @currentaffairs.bsky.social

"Now, my fellow wealthy serial molesters and I have no choice but to move our ill-reputed businesses elsewhere while we find other towns full of unsuspecting women to harass." Pitch perfect, @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social!!

New Carlos Greaves just dropped. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...

The revolution will not be televised but it *will* be led by @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social

“War is Peace” is an interesting strategy. Why does that sound so familiar? Where have I heard that before?

I was blown away this morning seeing that three of my pieces are simultaneously trending on @mcsweeneys.net but I’m equally blown away to be in such amazing company with this brilliant piece by @marawilson.bsky.social

So thankful we have @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social writing for us. He came through yet again with another banger today. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...

"Just think of how much better off the people of Greenland will be once they’re Americans, and are therefore no longer saddled with 'Nanny State' programs like paid family leave, free healthcare, or access to reproductive care."

"This change is just the nail in the coffin of a carefully calculated plan to turn the United States into the tin-pot dictatorship of my dreams. It’s definitely not because I’m scared of any investigations the DOJ’s antitrust division may or may not launch."

So thrilled for this opportunity to do more of my favorite type of writing — satirizing powerful assholes

Read my latest in @mcsweeneys.net to learn about the government’s brilliant new hiring system that’s replacing DEI www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...

"For years, the federal government hired people for all the wrong reasons. It filtered candidates based on integrity, experience, and diversity of perspective. The new administration is replacing this approach with a better, fairer system: hiring whoever yells the loudest."

"We didn’t become the greatest shirtwaist factory in the world by resting on our laurels. That’s why we’ve brought in a new efficiency czar, Noel Skum, whose job is to cut unnecessary spending and roll back overly restrictive safety regulations." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/tha...

Excited to have this piece in @mcsweeneys.net today that’s definitely about early 20th century fire safety and not about anything going on today www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/tha...

Sure, we gave up all our civil liberties, but at least eggs are twice as expensive now

Am I laughing or crying? Spoiler: both! @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social, this is amazing!!!!

Funny and wicked true Boston road signs ⚠️ by @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social

Republicans after a mass shooting: We shouldn’t politicize tragedies Republicans after a wildfire: This wildfire was because of woke

Love this 100% true Boston-centric @mcsweeneys.net piece from @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social.

"Two-Way Traffic On Tiny One-Lane Street Ahead"

If Massachusetts road signs were accurate, a 🧵 @mcsweeneys.net

When the Washington Post said “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” I didn’t realize they were telling us their end goal.

Why does every story have to be “Chosen One Saves the World” or “Two People Fall In Love”? Why can’t a story just be “Guy Gets a Cat and His Life Improves Somewhat.”

My New Year’s resolution is to be worse. Stay up later, eat whatever I want, only work when I feel like it. I’m tired of striving. It’s goblin time.

Read an interview with the brilliant @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social about writing this piece over on our Patreon (unlocked!) www.patreon.com/posts/117697...

A rich man refusing to give money to sick children right before Christmas? I have a feeling someone is about to be visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.

Ad execs coming up with ads: Fast food: Let’s get a couple shots of the food with some voiceover Car: Let’s get a couple shots of the car driving with some voiceover Perfume: Let’s make a Jodorowsky film where Timothée Chalamet rides through the Atacama desert shirtless on a horse

Hmmm, rather than using taxpayer dollars, what if the hotline system was privatized and offered as an employee perk that’s partly paid out of the CEOs salary?

1924 🤝 2024 Elites are freaking out about Italians commiting crimes and tariffs are about to tank the economy

Being in your 30’s is like driving a car where the check engine light comes on all the time and you just have to trust your gut as to whether it’s a real problem or not.

I’m a writer who has written an entire book about movies. Here are 3 things your feature script should have in order to hook the audience: 1) Clearly defined main characters 2) A time machine your main characters use in order to go back in time to get an A on their history project 3) George Carlin

This is somehow a real headline and not The Onion

I still can’t believe JK Rowling was like, you know what this magical world needs? Slavery.

I am “drank one glass of red wine last night and still have a headache” years old. How is your day going?

Guy writing Silent Night: I can’t think of a good way to describe the baby Jesus. Friend (not paying attention): Man, these fajitas are delicious, so tender and mild! Guy: Wait, what did you just say?

Waiter: Hi, what can I get you? Julius Caesar: I’ll have the Greek salad but with no onions, olives, peppers, cucumbers, or tomatoes. Also, instead of the vinaigrette, could I get that with creamy fish paste? And would it be possible to sprinkle a couple cubes of stale bread on there? Thank you.

Me in September: I’m loving this slightly cooler weather, thanks nature! October: The air is so crisp and delicious! You’ve truly outdone yourself, Mother Earth! November: Hmm, it’s slightly nippy now, I think I liked October weather better, madam weather. December: Cease, frost wench!

Happy “Rubbing creams all over your entire body lest you become an ashen husk” season to all who celebrate

I don’t want to hear jack shit about Hunter Biden. If the country can elect a convicted felon ass clown, we can also let one inconsequential guy move on with his life. Leave the hot cocaine man alone. He’s been through enough.

I’m not sure who needs to hear this, but wax paper and parchment paper are NOT interchangeable. I learned that lesson the hard way.

I have some fun, evergreen humor in @mcsweeneys.net today (and yes, that’s me in the thumbnail) www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-a...

Proud to be in @mcsweeneys.net today, both as the author of this piece and as the guy in the thumbnail (wearing my Patagonia UV hoodie)

I don’t need a whole country, I just want ONE STATE that has Vermont’s politics, California’s weather, and Alabama’s cost of living. Is that so much to ask????

Hey folks, it’s that time of year again, make sure you have a chapstick in each one of your jackets.

Whenever there’s an online form with a drop down list to select what state/territory you live in and I see Minor Outlying Islands, I think to myself, that sounds nice.

If you’re looking for something to cheer you up this week, consider reading my latest newsletter post. open.substack.com/pub/shadesof...