banks love to own my house

[whispering to date while watching The Odyssey when Chappie first appears on the screen] I think we’re in the wrong theater

Proud to announce that I no longer have Ocean Madness. Now I've just got Pond Unusualness

If I had orange lips I would also hide in DR Congo forest

Girls love it when you know how to operate Microsoft Word

When your colleague is about to become Death Stranded

I reckon I've spent - cumulatively - six months of my life silencing notifications.

At some point we stopped building pyramids, amirite? LOL. Lmao. help. ive laughed my ass off and now it wont come back

Just realised I can see my own legs when I look down. That's a nice touch by the developers

Lmao

steadily winding down my hotdog consumption over a few days so as not to go thru withdrawal

Alex Garland is not afraid to ask the big questions in Warfare: "what if a soldier had a moustache?"

Did a spit take while watching I Am Legend. In the film Will Smith’s character is watching a recording of none other than @theonion.com news network with Jim Haggerty anchoring

Of course Jim Haggerty would promote Hogwater. It’s not like he famously has any association with pigs or anything

The noise I made on reading the final line was frankly Lovecraftian.

[Watching the crass and nonsensical twist in M. Night Shyamalan's latest movie] For god's sake, M!

was it fucking nothing

GTA 6 gameplay has leaked into my brain (last night I dreamt I played the first mission of GTA 6)

Supreme Court Upholds Temporal Gerrymander That Would Cost Democrats 1932 Election https://theonion.com/supreme-court-upholds-temporal-gerrymander-that-would-cost-democrats-1932-election/

Honestly a bit tired of the sport. Football could come home at this point and I wouldn’t even care

The humble bar graph taking a bold step into 3D here, while never losing sight of its passion: clearly showing which numbers are bigger.

I just cancelled a free trial before the automatic payments kicked in and the adrenaline flowing through me right now feels like I narrowly escaped a shark attack.

S.. Sully?

i don't need a nicolas cage. my nicolases want to stay with me because i feed them and tell them nice things

IF YOU LOOK LIKE THIS EMAIL ME

Captain's log, stardate 42157.4. We have located the USS Clitoris

getting rid of my bed to save space and instead just taping myself to the ceiling every night

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about... [opens briefcase to reveal dozens of bombs, which promptly explode killing the person instantly] Oops, wrong case

Spending 15 minutes in each aisle sucking air through my teeth and scratching my chin. Later you see me at the checkout with only a packet of croissants in my trolley

[Captain Picard voice]

hearing that my plans for a "Colin McRae Rally 3" themed bar mitzvah have not been well received by the Jewish community...

Lost in the woods, the search and rescue team are able to locate me quickly owing to the fact that i'm only 9 metres inside the perimeter of the woodland

ALIEN: We come in peace... Take us to your leader... ME: Ah, come on; aliens speaking english, thats bulshit ALIEN: [Takes off disguise to reveal the penguins from madagascar] weve been ratted out, boys

just once I would like to receive a text from an unknown number saying "11:00 am Alexanderplatz, Berlin. Come alone."

There’s some Bluesky type stuff happening over in my twitter replies. Thought you all might enjoy. Take care.

Keir Starmer Resigns Amid ‘Not Being Very Good Prime Minister’ Scandal

finally lads a new PM nows our time [everything continues to get worse forever] drat!

It’s The Summer Of Starmer

Hey, server, could you Don't Make this? Thanks.

Many are calling it the Summer Of Morbius…

Have you ever noticed how some people don’t notice things? Like you could fill their environment with noise and air pollution and they wouldn’t even notice?

"Tell Jabba I'll get him his money..."

I’m still having difficulty understanding just how hot 100F is. Perhaps you could contextualise it for me, on a scale from 0 to 100 where 0 is water freezes and 100 is water boils

Kasabian

What if my dick is too small and the AI doesn’t detect that I’m a man

Need to find the person who said trailing commas shouldn’t be allowed in JSON and need to slap them across the face with a large fish