using a mechanical contraption to physically force the horse to drink the water i just lead it to, before putting on goggles and diving into the water to look it in the mouth as it drinks, for it was a gift horse

ME, NOW: What a pleasant autumn’s day ME, LATER THIS EVENING: Ah. It would appear the Moisture has returned

Reminder: give me twelve thousand dollars

ME, NOW: What a pleasant autumn’s day ME, LATER THIS EVENING: Ah. It would appear the Moisture has returned

the BBC should apologise with a montage of all the times Trump showed support for 6 Jan and they should get the person who does the end of World Cup montage to do it

Sometimes I just love to be on a Scottish oil rig in the seventies that is being attacked by some unknown organic substance/creature causing my crewmates to become mutated monsters

I've just invented a new product that's like bubble wrap but each bubble contains a tiny portion of french onion soup. There is no market for this product and it's very difficult to manufacture. My business model is "buy it or I'll attack you"

It is once again that time of day when you learn against your will that I am pooping

[walks into barbershop] hello, yes i would like to purchase your services - specifically the ones regarding severing the hairs on my head

it's true you can get in a lot of places by wearing a high viz vest. but have you thought of wearing a *low* viz vest??

If you do nothing, Chekhov's gun won't go off in the third act, however if you pull the lever the trolley will shift tracks causing the number of parts in the ship of Theseus to double every two years

*whispering "see you soon" to my pajamas as I put them away after my morning shower*

I love to go to a Web-Page and fight for my very life just to view the content therein.

(seeing a bible chapter and verse sticker on a car window in traffic) oh cool. i'll be sure to go home and look that up. and then, believe in it

Ocean's-11-style slow pan + zoom across the casino floor to me fighting a horse-sized duck

incredible photo that's definitely worth at least 1,000 words from Andrew Harnik of Getty

Five Horses Trapped In Cabal Car

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

Breaking: The Darkness Returns

On the left, the refurbished Lincoln bathroom. On the right, picture I took in Saddam Hussein's palace in Basra in 2005.

I had diarrhea yesterday but not anymore. I guess you could say it's gonorrhea

I feel like they should let me into every building in the vicinity without question

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body] oh no [also it’s not usb-c] OH NO

JUDGE: How does the defendant plead? ME: I'd like to plead the 5th, your honour JUDGE: No, you have to say guilty or not guilty ME: Guilty or not guilty

I generally survive the occasions on which I hurtle through the air at hundreds of miles per hour

The next screen grab on this thread is perfect.

Welcome... to JarJarassic Park

Fitting a bio-implant GPS antenna to my brain has caused me only misery as I hear the satellites shouting their 1.5kB codes at me 24/7 with no way of understanding what they mean in terms of my global position

How do I explain to my horse that a Ford Fiesta is one hundred and twenty times more powerful than it

FRIEND: Is it going to rain tomorrow? ME: As I stand in the shadow of this vast meteorological apparatus, I– FRIEND: Ok forget it

The gift horse saying and the Trojan horse legend give us conflicting perspectives on whether or not to check the insides of a free horse

This week I have watched The Truman Show (1998), Sunshine (2007) and Snowpiercer (2013). The theme here is Ed Harris is the antagonist mastermind and/or Chris Evans is a protagonist who dies near the end of the film

ME: Management are bringing in another consultant to help oversee the audit GUY WHO GETS IDIOMS HORRENDOUSLY WRONG: Ugh, too many Popes spoil the Joint European Torus

BALIFF (placing my hand on bible): do you solemnly swear to drink responsibly, always read the label, and when the fun stops, stop ME: i do

using a mechanical contraption to physically force the horse to drink the water i just lead it to, before putting on goggles and diving into the water to look it in the mouth as it drinks, for it was a gift horse

Accidentally swallowed avocado stone an I going to die?

can’t sleep; I’m imagining takeaway coffee cups with little cowboy hats on them

I love a good paywall fade into madness, especially when it has just given a really good explanation just beforehand. www.spectator.co.uk/article/why-...

The strut holding Michael Cera up snaps, causing him to sort of fold up

my family: (staging an intervention) you have got to stop eating so much hummus me: (crunching down on a false tooth to release garlic hummus into my mouth) you have no idea what you're up against