Happy Frigay everyone! Today I’m— wait. Frigay. No, not Frigay, Frigay. FRIGAY. AS IN TOGAY IS FRIGAY!! No! I am SAYING that this gay is Frigay!!!! Gay!! GAY!!! GAY GAY GAY!!! …ok. Clearly there is a single word parsing translator issue here because I am clearly saying gay. NOT GAY, GAY!

EYYYYYYYY whossa say who mixed up the transportah settings and the mafia holoprogram huh? Cause the mafia don’t even exist, capisce? Fuggeddaboudid

NO ONE EXPECTS TACTICAL NUDE PARKOUR

THE REPLICATORS ARE LAUNCHING PEPPERMINT MOCHA QUARKA-FRAPPOS ACROSS THE PROMENADE WHILE JINGLE BELLS PLAYS ON A LOOP

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For THIS Tactical Friday, which is definitely an official DS9 thing and not something I invented, I’m wearing my tactical crocs, tactical socks, tactical jorts, tactical fanny pack, tactical tank top, and tactical fingerless gloves. I’m gonna engineer the HELL outta this trebuchet! Tactically.

Nonsense Ensign! I’ve repaired the universal translators and they’re working perfectly! It took me all night but I BATHED IN MILK and that was the issue! ……wait No I said I PLAYED IN SILK NO!! I said I MADE TIN STILTS NO!!!! I SAID I PLAYED IN FILTH NO DAMMIT!!!

THE REPLICATORS ARE PLUMMETING THE PROMENADE WITH PUMPKIN PIES

Well Worf, it IS frustrating that Temporal Affairs didn’t let us go back in time and…deal…with Cheney, but on the plus side, this is the day he finally kicked the bucket so we can—hmm? Sorry, what’s that Klingon word mean? “May his rotten soul burn in the fires of eternity”? Oh, that’s a good one!

Welcome back to TUBE TALK, with me, your host, Chief Engineer O’Brien. That’s Engineer. Not Plumber. So asking plumbing questions wouldn’t make sense would it? Patch through the first hail, Rom! Hello? Ms. Chloe Gedsync? HELLO

BBBUURRRRPH wow excuse me Ensign, Quark’s new “Seven Of Salsa” breakfast burrito special is BLLUURRRP actin’ up on me! WELP now that we’ve had our coffee let’s climb single file into this crawlspace and get to work! FOLLOW ME!!

Ok, time to put on my Halloween costume and—damn garterhose it always snags—wups hit the transporter control panel there—NO—the GUY FIERI holoprogram!!! Activating!!! MERGING WITH MEEEEEEEIIIIEEAAAA—- … ……. …………… WELCOME TO DINERS, DS9 & THE PROMENADE DUDEROONIES!!!!

Welcome to O’Brien’s Famous Haunted Engineering!! There are FRIGHTS and SCARES around every corner, not to mention TREATS and— OK WHO INSTALLED A “TOILETS OF TERROR” SECTION

THE REPLICATORS ARE FLINGING HARD-SHELL TACOS AT ANYTHING THAT MOVES ACROSS THE PROMENAHHHHG MY SHOULDER

THE REPLICATORS ARE LAUNCHING PUMPKIN SPICE EVERYTHING AT EVERYONE

Ensign, sometimes you just have to crawl your way into a vent that you may or may not have refurbished into a comfort nook with a heater, sleeping bag, pillow, stuffed vole, gallon of scotch, several pizzas, ice cream, books, scented candles, noise canceling headphones— Hypothetically.

WHO WANTS SOME OF O’BRIEN’S FAMOUS CHILI???? That’s right, step on up and get YOUR bowl!! I’ve updated the recipe and—hold on Quark wants me to read this sponsored message in exchange for using the kitchen: “Your hooman slop smells like Targ farts”—Ok that is UNCALLED FOR

Garak has asked for a scary Halloween costume. SCARY. How the bloody hell is a FRENCH MAID outfit supposed to— It’ll be scary if I wear it?? Oh HAR HAR jokes on you, now I AM going to wear it just to teach you a— What do you MEAN this was all “part of the plan”?!! NO YOU CAN’T ZIP ME UP DAMMIT

NONSENSE JULIAN!! Holo-Bowling ABSOLUTELY is an exciting game! Put your bloody shoes on and choose a ball!! Ok, first thing is to ensure our balls are nicely waxed. I’ll demonstrate: you HOIST like this and RUB it—Julian you’re doing that thing where you sweat and all the color drains from your face

Ensign, it’s Monday; the Voles are demanding a new union delegate, Garak’s shop has exploded three times already, and Keiko says she won’t be home tonight due to a special training session with Coach Gowron which would all be FINE if SOMEONE would just PASS THE BLOODY COFFEE

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WHAT?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE GEARS GRINDING MY FOOT! NO IT’S FINE, I HAVE STEELTOE BOOTS HOW CAN I HELP YOU

THE REPLICATORS ARE FLINGING PIZZAS OF EVERY SINGLE VARIETY ACROSS THE PROMENADE AT A VELOCITY THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS DELICIOUS YET DANGEROUS

What the BLAZING BLOODY HELL did I just EXPERIENCE in the holosuite Quark?!! You call that a KAYAKING program?? What do you MEAN, “it’s AI”?!!NO ONE WANTS YOUR AI SLOP QUARK!! THE KAYAK HAD A HUMAN FACE AND SCREAMED WHEN I PADDLED IT!!

Ensign, we’re re THIGH-DEEP in waste extraction. I THINK I would NOTICE if I wasn’t wearing any PANTS! Yes I DID have decaf this morning, WHY? Next you’ll be saying I’m not wearing a SHIRT!

Garak, I asked you for a SIMPLE design for my fudge packing apron, the one I use when I make my batches of O’Brien’s Famous Fudge, and THIS thing has a HOLE right in the MIDDLE!! How am I supposed—what do you MEAN “it’s tactical”?! HOW IS THAT—what? Yes I tightly pack the fudge WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING

THE REPLICATORS ARE HURLING VARIOUS AND ASSORTED FLAVORS OF CHIPS LIKE DISCUS ACROSS THE PROMENADE MORN IS LEAPING LIKE A FROG AND CATCHING THEM

Welcome back to Tube Talk with me, your host, Chief Engine O’Briens! I may have hit my head hit my head a few times on the pipes today but the show must go on! ROM!! Patch the first first through. Hello? Admiral Blah Stass? How can I query your answer? Hello?

I double checked and YES I am reading it correctly, QUARK!! “Wagon Wednesday Drink Special: Sex On The Beaches Of Risa” Don’t you think something WESTERN themed would be more appropriate?????? What do you MEAN, “ask your wife”??!! I LOVE MY WIFE QUARK

A taco eating contest? At Quark’s? On Taco Tuesday??? EVERYONE STAND ASIDE I am going to DOMINATE this—wups slipping on the sour creamAHHG MY BACK SLIDING TOWARDS THE GUACAMOLE FOUNTAIN AIIIEEEE NO NOT THE LOOP DE LOOP OF FIRE SALSA AHHHG MY SHOULDER

MY LEAF BLOWER IS CAUGHT IN THE REPLICATOR

WHO BEAMED MY LUNCH INTO THE WORMHOLE

Garak, I asked you for a simple task; to mend my torn pants. What we have HERE is a pair of pants with a mesh crotch and the phrase “IT’S HAPPY TIME” bedazzled on the front. Do you SEE how this might not BE what I ASKED— What do you MEAN, “it’s Wacky Wednesday”?!!!?

Hebblo eberboboy I’m absolutely chef engineer miles ofbrien and not an android that Quark, in his almighty wisdom, deployed to encourage people to COME TO QUARK’S WHERE THE BEST EVER IS, NOW

You’re making me a cup of coffee by HAND?!? I gotta say I’m impressed, Quark! When I came over early to fix your replicator I didn’t expect—yes I said coffee. What do you MEAN, don’t say “coffee” near the replicaaaAAAHHHGH COFFEE BLASTING ME IN THE FACE BOTH HOT AND COLD AT ONCE AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Black trans living in Poverty I have no family No help I have beg I have cry I am ask ko-fi.com/lilithtreah

// hey, every one of you liberal mother fuckers who thinks that everything that’s going on is no big deal? You voted blue so it’s cool? It’ll shake itself out in the next “election”? Fuck you. You’re part of the problem, nestled in your privilege. Let me remind you: 1/

THE REPLICATORS ARE PUNTING PUMPKINS ACROSS THE PROMENADE

DATA! I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m standing here in a bedazzled thong, my body covered with olive oil, parsley, garlic, warp grease, tomato paste, salt, hot cheeto dust, Four Loko spillage, pasties, flour, assorted potatoes, a series of small origami birds, spider webs, spiders, spiderman socks

WELCOME TO TACTICAL CLOTHING CLASS! Now, this is likely your first time optimizing for maximum tactical advantage. Don’t worry! The first thing to consider is: HOW can I make this tactical? For example, I’m wearing my tactical jorts. How’re they tactical? SPIN MOVE! PIROUETTE! HIGH KICKAHHHGMYGROIN

Welcome back to Tube Talk with ME, you host Chief Engineer O’Brien! We’ll return to our extended interview with Morn in a moment but FIRST: Your hails!! Patch the first one through, Rom. Yes, hello Nawta Plummer? What’s your question? Hello? HELLO?? I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING

Alright everyone, I was up ALL NIGHT programming the replicators for Taco Tuesday! As we all know, Admiral Sanchèz is visiting the station today and I want to ensure that there are no INCIDENTS to……taco bout!! HAR HAR AHHHHG A DELUGE OF TACOS TO MY SHOULDER AIIEEEEEEEEE

FUGEDDABOUDIT!! END THE GENOCIDE!!