Uh oh, the word on the street is that I will be doing my debut show ‘How to Juggle a Ferret’ at the Edinburgh Fringe this August. 14:55 @ CabVol 2, Monkey Barrel Comedy. Details and tickets in bio.

Someone left this chocolate bar on the bus. I fear that the universe is testing me again.

When are they going to make a new sandwich that fixes everything

Beavers bring SO many benefits: especially to aquatic ecosystems, but also the climate, flood reduction, rural economies, etc., etc... And they *coevolved* with Irish ecosystems, so would fit in perfectly. We need to be having a national conversation about this. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/202...

You have crossed paths with the free blood pressure cat. After seeing the cat, you will receive ONE (1) free blood pressure. Deal is limited to one free blood pressure per person, not exchangeable for cash nor other blood-related goods.

Got to see Amélie in the cinema today and I feel like the lava lamp hiding inside of me has been switched back on again. 🙂‍↕️

I forget I have ADHD until moments like just now where I stepped onto a bus and the driver was playing ‘This Love’ by Maroon 5 full pelt on his phone. Threw me so much that I just stood there blank-headed, looking at the poor bus man like a 90s Furby ready to instil fear into an unsuspecting child

For World Book Day this year, I will be dressing up as one of my favourite characters from the 2000s Argos catalogues - Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh shoulder bag collection.

📢NEW SERIES📢 Live From The UK is BACK ON @bbcradio4 tonight at 18:30 and after broadcast on BBC Sounds I am so proud to host this show bringing you some of the best grass roots comedy from all over the UK for the next 6 weeks. This series comes from Edinburgh, Liverpool, Belfast and Brighton 🎉🎉🎉

Hello slugs and bugs. 🙂‍↕️ I'm very blooming excited to say that you can hear me doing stand-up as part of 'Live From The UK' on BBC Radio 4 tonight at 18:30 (or on BBC Sounds laters ons). I had such a gorgeous time recording from one of my old stomping grounds, Swansea ♥️

Tonight in Manchester 🙂‍↕️

Fidel Castro would’ve loved this post.

Me versus Cupid and any blooming cherubs this Valentine’s Day:

I wish I could communicate with spiders and tell them that whilst I’d prefer they didn’t hang out on my bed or on me, the attic is all theirs. Truly, they could build a spider Pizza Hut up there if they wanted. Have massive spider orgies or do spider Hyrox competitions for all I bloody care.

Ferraro Roger

I love this cubbyhole at Euston so much. Whilst everyone else at the station’s banging about like fleas in a tin can, I’m tucked away safely like a car in a parking spot.

My favourite way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is the Dutch we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed.”

27 MORE SHOWS ON SALE NOW! Even more tickets on sale for a spectacular array of shows, including: Stewart Lee, Finlay Christie, Anna Thomas, Ria Lina, Mel Owen, and many more! Tickets at machcomedyfest.co.uk 🎟️

The word armadillo is borrowed from Spanish and simply means “little armored one.” But an even better word for an armadillo, in my opinion, is the Nahuatl ayotochtli. It means “turtle rabbit.”

In a sentence never before uttered by humans, I am delighted to share that an alligator stole my conservation instructor’s hat by jauntily walking into the water while wearing it 🐊

The UK Government just released its national security assessment on #biodiversity loss: an actual intelligence assessment using the same frameworks as military threat analysis. The conclusion? #Nature is a foundation of national security and every critical #ecosystem is on a pathway to collapse. 🧵

This week, Govt quietly published a 'Global biodiversity loss, ecosystem collapse and national security assessment' after an FOI forced their hand. It is a deeply concerning read for anyone who cares about our future.

Me, doing some relatable William Blake (1757 – 1827) material in Dictionary Corner. Come and see me on tour: www.mickperrin.com/tours/alasdair-beckett-king-king-of-crumbs

For sale: Cat shoes. Don't know WHAT I was thinking.

Just trying to find the sun #oilpainting #art

For Jim Moir/Vic Reeves' birthday, a reminder it's thirty years this year since this advert.

Timeline Cleanse: Please enjoy this photo of a praying mantis that was sitting on top of my car windshield, but the angling and lighting were so weird it looks like a giant praying mantis wandering a corn field in Iowa.

just spent £120 on rail tickets for a journey that would have cost me about £40-£50 in petrol (don't @ me about cost of car/insurance/tax etc i know its not like for like yeah). Booking 4 weeks in advance. imagine if they'd spent last summer protesting this shit instead of asylum seekers

Beans: Taste Beans™

Got meself a wee project which took up my whole evening, I think people call this kind of thing a "timeline cleanse"?

I like how this gag turned out.

Manchester 📣🦡 The wonderful Justina Seselskaite and I are doing work-in-progress shows in your vicinity next month. Cometh if thou wisheth.

I’m treating this like football fans treat new signings

Mam found an old coconut that looks like a capuchin monkey. More news as we have it.

all it took was hearing their "theme music" for me to know that the Looney Tunes are unserious buffoons

The Sims

Aye, that’ll do me

You gotta stank your own kind of stusic. Stink your own special stonk

Me and the boys were gonna experience 10,000 years of hell later if you’re interested