What's the difference between the vegetables at Christmas dinner and boogers? Children will eat the boogers!

One day. I just want one fucking day when I don’t have to wake up and say “what the fuck?” Just one day. 🤦‍♂️

Tried to turn on a virtual fireplace on Netflix earlier, but it didn't work. Realized I forgot to put the login.

Happy Boxing Day everybody! I haven't been around much. Not back to work until the 5th, so just taking it easy. Hope you all had a great Christmas! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boxing_...

Last year I took my son to the mall to see Santa and he stank like booze and cigarettes. God only knows what Santa thought of my parenting skills!

Do you know why Santa's Little Helper was depressed??? Because they had very low Elf esteem.

Do you know why Chinese kids don't believe in Santa Claus??? Because they make the toys.

I saw a notice from Santa saying that he was putting Prancer up for adoption. This is due to his macular degeneration not allowing him to work anymore. I talked to my wife about taking him in but in the end, she said it was just a really bad eye deer.

I got a really really ugly calculator for Christmas. But it's what is on the inside that counts!

My super power is AWAYS being able to tell what's in a wrapped present. It's a gift!

I've been banned from caroling at the local hospital. Singing "Do You Hear What I Hear" was an admittedly bad song choice for the psychiatric floor.

It's become FAR more expensive to light the wood stove. Ever since the local newspaper went digital! :)

What sound does a train make when it's carrying ballerinas??? Tu-tu!

Why did the dad stop using his loyalty card to scrape the ice from his cars windows??? Because he could only get 10% off!

What's the difference between a knight in shining armor and a Reindeer??? One slays the dragon and the other's draggin' a sleigh!!!

I wanted to rent out the Lake House for the holiday season. So I posted a sign in the yard that read: "For lease, Navidad!"

Luxury hotels are the WORST! Their towels are so thick and soft, you can't even close your suitcase!!!

What's the difference between Iron man and Aluminium man? Iron man will stop the bad guy! Aluminium man will just foil their plans!

Making friends all over the world! "...the Republican administration is looking to begin a conversation with residents of the semi-autonomous Danish territory about the best way forward for the strategically important island." Best way forward for whom??? apnews.com/article/trum...

This morning I coughed up a pawn, a bishop and a rook. Looks like I have another chess infection. I'm still expecting a rough knight.

“VeggieTales” is doing their movie version of Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts baby carrots in a corner!!!

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He replied "probably, but I'm not sure you should count on it."

My dad asked me to name a country with no "r" in it. I was like: Noway!

Do you know why mice have such small balls??? Because very few of them actually know how to dance!!! :)

My girlfriend crashed the car again today. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. Police told her: "Ms, he can do what he likes in his own living room!"

He wasn't calling for an insurrection, he was calling for "reforms!" Omg how stupid do they think you all are??? www.cnn.com/2025/12/19/p...

What did Kenny Rogers say when he was driving down the road and a wheel fell off his truck??? You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel!

Pam Bondi just released a new batch of Epstein files.

Cartoon by Rob Rogers | Andrews McMeel

Breaking: White smoke has been spotted coming from The Conclave chimney. Cardinals have reported that this smoke DOESN'T have anything to do with replacing the current pontiff. It is due to 1 of the Cardinals burning the pope-corn.

What a clown. www.reuters.com/world/us/ken...

Here's another picture of Stella sitting on her favorite human's lap, when my son came over for a visit yesterday. I can't even say his name out loud or she'll start barking and run to the window. Happy Sunday everybody! Just 3 more days before I start my Christmas shopping!!! :)

I just bought some ginger biscuits. She didn't seem very grateful, either!

What do you call a gingerbread man with a broken leg??? Limp Bizkit!

Do you know Santa's helpers favorite photos to take with their phones??? Elfies!

What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie??? Beam me up Biscotti!

An old man was lying on his death bed when he smelled his favorite cookies. He crawled out of bed and into the kitchen and with the last of his strength, reached up to grab a warm cookie. When his wife slaps his hand with her spatula and tells him "No! Those are for the funeral!!!"

I really LOVE funny stories from the past. They make me laugh historically!!!

I took my wife out for a hot date! Unfortunately, the restaurant we went to didn't serve fruit! :)

Do you know how crabs get to school??? They use the side walk!

Ladies, if your man asks for matador equipment this Christmas, that's a HUGE red flag!!!

This is how Stella looks at my son when he comes over. He's her favorite human!

Not a populist, not a conservative, not even a man. He used to get together with his pal to fuck little girls.

Never trust ANYTHING you learn at a library. After all, it's not called a truthbrary!

The inventor of origami has died. RIP!

Christmas season isn’t the time to dwell on the past OR to plan for the future. It’s all about the present! Amirite??? :)

I heard P Diddy was having a tough time in prison so he joined the Italian Mafia for protection. He is now known as P Sghetti!

For my final philosophy paper, I was assigned to write a 3000 word essay. So I just put 3 pictures there!

Today I learned that Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not Joe King, but he is.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots???