This is the last time I buy fortified wine! I couldn't even open the bottle!

Two blind people were fighting on the street. I said loudly: "I'm betting on the one with the knife!!!" Both of them immediately ran away!!!

What's the favorite search engine of a group of geese? Gaggle!

Just so you know, you can't have any of my baby goats. I kid you not!

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.. Unless you're prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.

Two parrots are sitting on a yellow perch. One turns to the other and says... "do you smell fish?"

What do you call a two legged moose? Mussolini!

What does the stick say when it sees the beaver? Well I’ll be dam!!!

I can hear Ethiopian moms scolding their children at meal time.... "You have to eat it all, there are kids starving in America!"

Do you know which medicine makes your stomach ache much worse? Pepto Abysmal!

If you eat too many Navy beans, you will probably end up with a dishonorable discharge!

After hours of waiting, the surgeon finally came out and said, “I’m sorry, we can’t go through with your father’s transplant.” I said, “Why didn’t you tell us sooner???” He said, “I wanted to… I just didn’t have the heart!”

I have bad news for you… You have syphilis, leprosy, and Ebola! You'll have to stay in the hospital, and we'll put you on a diet of pizza. And how is THAT going to save me? I'm not sure, but this food can easily be slipped under the door!

My wife woke up with just the biggest smile on her face!!! I love Sharpies!!!

At least when you're not being paid to do your immigration job, you won't have to accept any passports without a person's biological sex listed. So much winning. You have no shame if this doesn't give you 2nd hand embarrassment. www.nbcnews.com/politics/sup...

Makes sense to me!

I'm sorry, but I would not show the world that I am so incredibly stupid and so full of hate for my family, friends, coworkers, etc. who have different politics that I got conned by a fucking moron who went bankrupt 6 times and was sued over 3000 times for not honoring contractual obligations.

We made it, peeps! Good morning! Happy the sandwich guy beat his charges. Apparently mustard and other spices were too much for the officer! He also now refers to himself as a seasoned veteran! Happy Friday Y'all!

Did you hear about the Witch that had triplets??? She could never tell which witch was which.

Did you know that you CAN'T buy a tesla that has that new car smell? They all have an Elon Musk.

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been Fostered!

A bar planned a costume party where everyone dressed up as their love life. That night, the bartender spotted some old guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says: Hey, you were supposed to come dressed up as your love life. The man replied: Oh, I have. My four scores were more than seven years ago.

When is Luke Skywalker not Luke Skywalker? When he's in a Tonton, then he's Luke Warm.

A person that does not want to be around people is an introvert. A person that DOES want to be around people is an extrovert. I like to be around cats. I think that might make me a purrvert!

It doesnt matter if you're tall or short, thin or fat, rich or poor, at the end of the day... It's night.

Police have issued a statement after a nine year old girl disappeared. They said she was last seen using a moisturiser that claims to make you look ten years younger!

Willow's a brat!!!

Not guilty! Womp womp, magats. www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

2/ More "Jokes @docatcdi.com Might Like" @drselvarajah.bsky.social @finsnerd.bsky.social @slidemanernie.bsky.social @leftbobgolfer.bsky.social @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social @karenab32.bsky.social @uncleshady777.bsky.social @punnyone.bsky.social @infobooth.bsky.social @dadsaysjokes.com tbc

SKKKOTUS

Cheney dying on the same day Mamdani becomes mayor is the sort of thing that is usually only found in the opening paragraph of an Allen Drury novel

Next week's cover of The New Yorker.

Now THAT’S a Project I can support!! 👊

Good morning all. It’s 7:51 am and I have already had my entire day‘s worth of listening to that raspy Queens accent spouting moronic drivel. “I have had the most successful nine months of any presidency.” No you haven’t. Please STFU. We are all sick of you. No more of this guy today for me.

Happy Thursday everybody! I think the sky is supposed to fall today. At least it is in Republican land. They all fear the inevitable blue tsunami that's coming for them. Anyway, lots going on at work today. Can't seem to find 1st gear!

I found a cool tool a dude posted here. bluecrawler.com/tools/bluesk...

Do you know why it's called CPR? Because by the time you finish saying: "we need to do cardiopulmonary resuscitation" they may already be dead.

Nowadays pennies taste horrible. Back in the day they used to taste almost like toothpaste to me... I guess it's because they aren't being minted anymore!

A psychiatrist was using my toilet. But I couldn't tell. Because their pee is silent!

BREAKING NEWS: Count Chocula, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and The Teddy Grahams Bear have all perished in a fire. S’more at 11.

Did you hear about the guy who threw a sandwich at an ICE agent? He’s charged with assault with a deli weapon.

My wife says I'm the cheapest person she knows. But I'm not buying it!

Do you know which states are the most promiscuous??? Swing states!

What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving??? Lucky!!!

I guess for many of us, it's also our 1 year anniversary of being here, no? I'm happy many of my twitter pals migrated when I did. I miss many of the big AND small accts I followed on Twitter. I sure don't miss the magats. Happy 1 year, y'all.

One year ago today, America. A big Fck you to everyone that voted for it. One down, 3 to go! (Ugh!) It looks like some people are at least waking up to the idea that you need to take your country back from the swamp!

We are going to make woke great again the amazing turn out proved it, I'm very proud America at the moment however our main task now is feeding our people, I love the smell of revolution in the morning, have a great day Bob📢💯🇺🇲🗽🐸

Happy hump day! Finally starting to pull out of my baseball funk! :) Republican heads are spinning today! Democratic Socialist? Gasp! The rich convincing those that would most benefit from DS that it's evil, has been the most profitable lie of them all. Good job America. Take it back!

I started working out to get rid of my dad bod, but I had to stop My body couldn't handle the ab use!