I used to date a twin and people would ask me all the time how I could tell them apart. That's easy I would tell them. Jennifer has the long blond hair and her twin Steve has a penis!

If Taco’s star is going to exist on Hollywood walk of fame, it should be accurate 🤣😂🤣

How's the smoke where you are? This picture is blurry but you can see the smoke. I'd say it's close to what we had yesterday. It's miserable, tempered only by the fact it's freakn' Friday!!! Cheers everybody, stay safe.

"He who is not capable of enduring poverty is not capable of being free." ~Victor Hugo #quote #hugo #free #poverty

🇨🇦 has 2nd hand embarrassment for 🇺🇲 after that demented nonsense last night.

They replayed Game 6 of '93 World Series last night. I happened to catch the 9th. I was downtown Toronto watching in a bar. After Joe Carter's HR, a million people came out and I have thankfully never again been in a throng of people where you don't control your own movement.

Do you know how to become a conductor? You train!

I just found out that the great Greek tennis player Steffi Graf has a sister. Her name is Polly, I'm not lying!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. It was not only embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps!

I'm pretty sure that venomous snake is scared of me. He seems rattled!

What's worse than a box that contains venomous snakes??? A box that SHOULD contain venomous snakes!

Yikes, I really hope somebody's working on this. This is apparently a photo of our North, burning.

Watching these men destroy America & then say we need more testosterone is like the Titanic saying we need more iceberg’s. The idiocy of this regime is only surpassed by the douchebrained sheepfuckles voting for it.

Stay safe out there people. It's miserable if you're still in the smoke and it's expected to worsen here throughout the day. Don't leave your kids or pets out there to play, please.

The survivors need to get away from the democrats, lawyer up, name their names and sue the shit out of the US gov for allowing blanche who is named in the Epstein Files handle the Epstein Files

Mike Dubke stretching the limits of incredulous logic daily on #CNN, #AudieCornish. No, questions about Trump's legitimacy from 2016 election is light years from the continuing nonsense assault on the legitimacy of 2020.

I accidentally poured my root beer into a square glass and turned it into beer!

There's a gang going through our town systematically shoplifting clothes in order of their size. Police say they are still at large!

After my neighbor spied on us for months with his telescope, I went to his house and stole his tripod! I felt it was time to take a stand!

My garden gnome was upset when he didn't win yard decoration of the year. Turns out, he wasn't even gnominated!

Iran has created their own version of Sesame Street. Everything is the same, including all the same characters except Count Von Count has been replaced by Ayatollah How Many!

Omg it's brutal outside with the heat, the humidity and the smoke. We're choking on it and it's not even as bad as it is going to be for the next 2 days. Stay inside if you can. Ugh!

This is why you're no longer working from home! Classic human nature to keep pulling rope until you hang yourself. www.facebook.com/share/r/1Gci...

Hey it's only going to be 110⁰ with the worst air quality in the WORLD today and tomorrow from Northern wildfires. It will be thick enough to block out the sun and it's going to be miserable. Ugh!

I didn't watch much of the All-Star game but having Smoltz talking to Dylan Cease WHILE he was on the mound pitching was really really cool. I love how the other announcer said to Cease on the mound: "Don't listen to him (Smoltz), he doesn't know what he's talking about!" That got a LOL.

He said don’t worry I won’t sleep in your bed. I’ll sleep in mine. 👍 IG: doggvids

Coffee tastes better when you have absolutely nowhere to be for the next few hours.

For Trump's prime time word diarrhea tomorrow.

My client's dog was apprehended when it attacked a little girl after breaking leash. I had to pick up his ashes yesterday for her. Nobody wins here, especially the little girl, who's ok physically. And the dog, owners protector, only doing what he thought was his job. And her, she's broken. 💔

Who's watching??? Not this guy. I can't take the same sneering, hateful and verifiable bullshit. Trump teases announcement on elections in primetime address. apnews.com/article/trum...

Do you know why the archeologist was so depressed??? His career was in ruins!

Do you know how young birds start to fly??? They just wing it!

My aunt bought a shawl for only 5 dollars. That's a steal my mom said. I replied, no mom, that's a stole!

I tried to tell the cashier a joke but it didn't seem to register!

What do you call a little boy who is half French and half Scottish??? A Oui Lad!

What is a World Cup player's least favorite sweater??? The Red cardigan!

What did they call a teenage executioner from the French Revolution? A guillotine!

During the French Revolution, thousands of people met their end with the blade of the guillotine including King Louis XVI. I guess he should've quit while he was ahead.

The pool guy letter says the president's motorcade destroyed the liner. Peak magat move. www.tampabay.com/viewpoints/l...

Morning Puppies

This was his time to churn. I mean shine.

The two ICE agents who murdered a civilian in Biddeford, Maine today. Let's make them famous.

Ok, who did this?!

Permasmile Stella says stay cool, Cats!!! Humidex will be 115⁰ F this afternoon. Don't ever believe that 🇨🇦 doesn't get hot! Happy Tuesday, one better than a Monday, as I like to say. Cheerio!

She might've only been a whiskey maker, but he loved her still!

I'm thinking that my cremation is going to go very smoothly. Because I'm already burned out!

Do you know what kind of music a fake Irish singer sings??? Sham Rock!

My wife said that I'm getting old because all I listen to is Dad Rock. Could be worse, I said to her. At least it's not Kid Rock!

We're going to start a business similiar to an ice cream truck but we will sell baked goods and play 70's rock and roll. We're calling it the Rolling Scones!