Pam Bondi.....ugh.

A vegan friend is always going on about how those that sell meat are disgusting. And I say those who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer.

My Dr asked me: "Do alcoholics run in your family?" "No" I told him. "They mostly just stumble around and break shit."

I was out for a walk last night and saw 2 witches making out. I was like: "Get a broom!!!"

I'm still mad about that time that I went to Blockbuster Video to rent Batman Forever. They only let me keep it overnight!

The man who invented the Hokey Pokey died recently. Getting him in the coffin was traumatic for those involved. The trouble all started when they first put in his left foot.

I had my wallet pickpocketed while doing the Limbo. It left me wondering how someone could even stoop that low!

They say swimming is very good for you. Especially when you're drowning!!!

Of course I talk to myself once in a while. Generally when I'm looking for expert advice!

What do adult stuffed animals drink??? Teddy Beers!

Trump administration getting outplayed at every turn. This is a genius move and will allow the defense to paint a picture of federal overreach and bedlam in Minnesota. It's going to provide him with a pulpit to unload, and it's going to be glorious. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/10/u...

"Dr. Botstein got very sick, his spokesman, David Wade, said in a statement, and stayed in a bungalow. He wasn’t sure whether the bungalow was on (Epsteins) island. Dr. Botstein emailed Mr. Epstein 1 day later: “I had a great time. The place is great. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/09/u...

I'm not the only one that's sick of the cold! Willow has had enough too! Good morning everybody! Lots of stuff 2 do in the next 2 weeks before a vacation break. Crazy how the more the workload increases, as does the procrastination!!! Carpe Diem the shit out of this Tuesday!!! :)

Trump says he will not allow the bridge to open until “the United States is fully compensated for everything we have given them, and also, importantly, Canada treats the United States with the Fairness and Respect that we deserve.” Canada PAID for ALL of it. 🖕🖕🖕 www.cbc.ca/news/canada/...

Holy shite it's cold out there (still:)! Minus 10 F, really really had enough! Might hit 34 this week, it's going to feel like shorts weather!!! Somebody was kissing my Willow! Cheerio and happy Monday!

My wife caught me sucking in my gut while I was weighing myself. She laughed and said that's not going to help! Sure it does, I told her. That's how I see the numbers!

My wife and I raced to say those 3 little words that are so important to every marriage. "Coffee is ready!!!"

A dog gives you a glimpse of parenting. A cat gives you a glimpse of marriage!!! :)

I learned that spelling mistakes can really have a negative effect on your marriage. I texted my wife: "I'm having a great time, I really wish you were her!"

My Dr advised me to take 2 tablets, 3 times per day. And THAT'S how I got arrested at the Apple store!

Do you know what the Patriots did after losing the Superbowl??? They played the 2nd half!

Do you know why they refer to the Dallas Cowboys as America's team??? Because they were all at home watching the Superbowl, just like the rest of America!

Do you know why they refer to the Dallas Cowboys as America's team??? Because they were all at home watching the Superbowl, just like the rest of America!

After my girlfriend poked me in the eyes I stopped seeing her.

When my life learned that I had lost my job, she started cooking with my favorite soy sauce. She really likes to Kikkoman when he's down

They'll be sitting around, munching wings and beer; and then, the halftime show starts and they jump up, all indignant, and rush to turn the channel to this shit; 'cuz, nothing says weak, triggered, whiny little babies more that this fiasco that should be known as the pedo bowl #TheAlliedForces

Say's it's LA.

🤡 show. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/06/a...

Don't forget the Snowflake Superbowl Halftime Show! Brantley Gilbert Defends Turning Point USA Halftime Show Performance share.google/SQ40ojg22qmH...

Luke and Obi Wan go out for Chinese food and 10 min into the meal Luke is still struggling with the chopsticks and dropping food everywhere. Obi Wan finally snaps and yells at him: "Luke! Use the forks!"

I'm going to open a Chinese food restaurant that specializes in large portions. I'm calling it "All You Can Eat & Dim Sum!"

I love Chinese food just as much as the next guy but you're never going to convince me that a chicken fried that rice!

A lady was arrested for eating ramen noodles with chopsticks while driving. They ended up taking her license due to her wonton disregard for the safety of others.

This clown does things every single day that would've derailed ANY presidency of the last 200+ years. He is an absolute disgrace and not only an adjudicated rapist in the sexual sense, he is also raping and fleecing everything in government that he can get his tiny hands on.

@scottietakeson.bsky.social @jokestersonly.bsky.social

Do you know the ONLY way to bring an optimist down??? Gravity!!!

I've been having vision problems so I went to see the optimist. He told me not to worry, that everything was going to be fine!

What did Luke Skywalker say when Chewbacca was buried under a landslide??? "That's how the Wookie crumbles!"

Happy Thursday everybody! Off tomorrow thankfully. Still in a deep freeze over here and growing weary of it. Can't wait to bust out the golf clubs and the motorcycle! Going to Punta Cana in 2 weeks, that will help! How about another picture of Stella fawning over my son??? Cheerio!

Having a certain blood type can make you an optimist. B positive!

I ate an optimist once but I just couldn't keep him down.

My uncle was telling me that if I came to visit him, he'd take me to a building with more than 500 stories. I didn't believe him but he ended up taking me to the library.

Do you know the name of the most famous cartoon serial killer??? Bugs Bundy!

I made it to the origami Nationals!!! I folded under pressure.

I returned my box of animal crackers because the seal was broken!

Do you know why snowmen just HATE carrot cake??? Because it tastes like boogers!!!

You hear about the blacksmith that pounded 5 nickels together??? He's a quarter pounder!

Do you know how many blue whales there are in the world's oceans??? All of them!

I just learned about something called recency bias. And I gotta say, it's my favorite thing EVER!!!

Being a groundhog is just like being a weather forecaster. Only right 50% of the time and still has a job.