After 90 minutes in the drama school football match, they bring on the background actors. It’s extra time.

The corner flag doesn’t say much on here, but the goal posts.

Played a game of football in a garden centre. I made sure to take a hydrangea break.

I told a bloke wearing a transparent mask he was ugly. You should've seen his face.

Prank idea. Go into a bowling alley dressed as a centipede and ask for 100 pairs of shoes.

I won all the awards in the arts and crafts industry. I had a glittering career.

I get all my news from Heinz Tomato Ketchup. Why? It’s a great source.

I can’t find my Agatha Christie novels anywhere. I think I’m losing my Marples.

Given how different they are, do you think they messed up naming the moose and the mouse? Imagine the size of a moose trap.

I’m recruiting for a role in the Jamaican sprint team. Candidate must be ready for a fast paced environment.

When designing a bathroom it’s easy to only focus on the toilet. You need to think outside the bogs.

My LinkedIn says I want to be a salamander. I’m seeking newt opportunities.

I saw Celine Dion in the Balkans. Where was it? It was Bos-near, far, wherever you are.

Did you likey your holiday in Jamaica? No, Haiti.

During the Middle East Marathon, I knew there was only one way to the finish line. Iran.

FOR SALE Fake portrait of William Shakespeare. Just £2. For that price, it’s not bard.

Two fishing reels sat on a riverbank. One says to the other, “I hate people, they’re winding me up.”

A suicidal fish says while being butchered, “finally, someone guts me!”

Which European country has made the best film about a giant monkey? I think it’s time for a Eurovision Kong Contest.

Which European country does the best revealing underwear? I think it’s time for a Eurovision Thong Contest.

There’s a road near me that makes a twang sound as you drive along. I think it’s gui-tarmac.

If speed bumps help to stop speeding. Then why don’t goosebumps stop geese?

I heard a rumour that there’s a new pavement based letter guessing game. At least that’s the wordle on the street.

I went into a general store but all they had left was lieutenants.

Have you seen that film where this guy is forced to wank off a scary clown? He had IT coming.

Every weekend I dress-up as Gothic 80 year-old woman and sing "If I could turn back time." I'm practicing self-Cher.

The roof on my house looks aggressive. Yeah, it’s covered in hos-tiles.

I've got a speaker under my TV that looks like a pub full of cool people. It's a sound bar.

It’s actually illegal to go too deep underwater and lose your hearing. That’s deaf by dangerous diving.

For fancy dress I’m going as an animal that looks like a big duck and goes honk honk. What is it? You’ll never goose.

I can never remember who sings that song Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It was Deep Blue Something…

I know a guy who’s an organist. God he hates organs.

What do a grateful idiot and the US Army have in common? Many Tanks.

I saw a row of horse chestnuts. Must have been one of those conker lines.

My school didn’t use centimetres or inches to see how long something was, they used Hununkiputs. Strange I know but my school was under special measures.

I know a guy who’s a pub landlord and a rapper. Man’s got bars.

Forced to man the bric-a-brac stall the entire day. That was his village fate.

I saw the police have started a coffee morning for those over 70. Surely it would’ve been easier to use a speed camera.

I saw a bloke with bags of weed taped to the bottom of his shoes. I thought; he’s on drugs.

Do I have any more jokes about the states? Yes, but all the good ones Oregon.

What's the 49th state? My geography teacher, she'll know, Alaska.

I'm training an army of penguins. You heard of the movie March of the Penguins? Guess what they were marching towards? VICTORY!!!

Legally speaking, you can't name your child King. But you can name them lasagna.

Legally speaking, there is nothing stopping a duck running for Prime Minister. Genuinely true.

My uncle is a road sweeper for the police. So he's had a few brushes with the law.

I saw a bird driving an Aston Martin and firing a gun. I think it was a Bond Eagle.

You can't wipe your nose with a baseball team! What about the New York hanky's?

I wish people would stop making such a fuss about the world's largest meringue. What a pavlova.

I know a guy who does coffee enemas for the mafia. He'll bust a cappuccino in your arse.

My Irish mate is a prison guard and can rip off a bottle top with his bare hands. We call him the Cork screw.